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Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash

Absolutely every joke I know. I’m not sorry.

I promise you there aren’t THAT many puns…

Matthew DePaso
Apr 20, 2018 · 5 min read

There’s that moment at the party. It’s the perfect time for an impression. That one accent you can actually do. You speak up. The whole room pauses with anticipation. Let’s hear it.

What do you call a buck with no eyes?

No I’deer!

You could hear the voice in your head a second ago. But now it’s gone. After stumbling over a few words in a silly voice. You have to give up. “Ahh, sorry never mind”. You’re embarrassed, but everyone understands. We’ve all been there.

What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crook-o-dile.

It’s the same moment when someone asks if you know any jokes. “Uhh. None that I can remember.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Again. Seconds before they asked you that question, when someone else was telling a joke, there were five funny things running through your mind. But in that moment. Panic sets it.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says:

“Make me one with everything.”

You try not to think about paraphrasing that hilarious YouTube video you just watched. Or the GIF you just texted your best friend. The memes just aren’t as funny without the image.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven *eight* nine!

Your 10 year old self would be appalled. You used to live for these moments when you had the spotlight and could share THE BEST knock-knock joke.

“Knock, Knock!”
“Whose there?”

“Interrupting Cow.”
“Interupting Cow Wh — ”

“MOOOOO!!!”

Does anyone even tell knock-knock jokes anymore? Even if they did, you start to worry about the comedic timing. Are those childhood jokes too immature?

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and goes “Wheeew it’s getting hot in here”

The other one goes “Ohh my gosh a talking muffin!”

Or too dad joke-y?

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

People will groan. Are they supposed to groan when you tell a joke?

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little horse.

They won’t get it. The joke will fall flat or brick.

A bricklayer is building his dream house. He figures he needs exactly 999 bricks. He goes to the brick store and attempted to buy all 999 bricks. But there’s a problem. They only sell bricks in lots of 1,000. The bricklayer argues with the store owner for a while, but to no avail. He ultimately has to buy the extra brick. A few months later, the house is done. He has exactly one brick left over. To celebrate he pops a bottle of champagne and throws the brick in the air. It doesn’t land…

You used to think that joke was hilarious. Not that people get every joke anyway. But it wasn’t too geeky.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

Even if your joke passes muster, there’s a litmus test. Is it ok to tell that joke? Whole sets of jokes that have been categorically eliminated because they lask sensitivity.

Blonde jokes —

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are driving on Route 66 when their car breaks down. The nearest gas station is five miles. They decide each person will only take one object with them.

The brunette grab a bottle of water from the cupholder. “In case I get thirsty, I’ll have something to drink.”

The red head grabs a pack of chips from the passenger sit. “In case I get hungry, I’ll have something to eat.”

The blonde tears a car door off and drags it over. “In case I get hot, I’ll roll the window down.”

Misogynistic jokes —

Why don’t housewives — nope Nope NOPE!

Dead baby jokes —

Nope.

Neighboring country sheep jokes —

How did the Scottsman/Welshman/Englishman find a sheep in the tall grass?

Very satisfying.

You don’t want to tell one of those jokes and be remembered as THAT PERSON. The one who told the offensive off-color joke that made everyone uncomfortable.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice.

Bad pick-up lines. There must be better options.

Yarr, what’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

Aye, you think it’s be Rrrrrr— but pirates love the sea!

That can’t be it…

What’s a pirate’s favorite poison, matey?

Arrrrsenic!

Pirate jokes? You do have a treasure trove of them.

Arrrgg, what’s a pirate’s favorite element?

It’s not argon ya landlubber — gold!

What does it say about you that all the jokes you remember are thinly veiled puns.

A panda walks into a bar. He sits down and nibbles on a handful of peanuts. Pulls out a gun, shoots another patron and walks out.

People in the bar freak out. The barkeep keeps his cool. The patron asks the barkeep “Aren’t you going to stop that panda?”. The barkeep shakes his head, “No. That’s what pandas do.”

“What? the patron is flabbergasted. “See here.” The barkeep pulls out a dictionary and opens it. “Panda (n.) Eats shoots and leaves.”

Puns are the highest form of humor… right?

What’s a tree’s favorite drink?

Root Beer!

You’re not sorry. But there’s something missing…

A lady is standing in line at the airport ticket counter with her parrot. The bird is squawking, as the woman behind the desk tells her there aren’t any tickets available until tomorrow. She needs to get there tonight!

A man puffing a giant cigar further back in line hears there aren’t any more tickets, he get’s upset because he also needs to leave tonight. After much arguing. The woman behind the desk says they have a private jet available. The man with the cigar and lady with the parrot agree to split the cost.

On the plane the man keeps smoking his cigar. And the lady’s parrot continues to squawk. The man goes “Lady, can you get your bird to shut up?” and blows a puff of smoke right in her face! The lady is appalled. “Only if you put out your cigarette. The two get into a heated argument chasing each other up and down the aisle. Cigar smoke everywhere. Loud squawking — “Polly want a cracker!”. The plane is rocking back and forth now. Finally the captain comes back and jams a finger at them “Look you two. We’re going crash if you two keep fighting like this!” Before they can argue with him, he grabs the parrot and the cigar and throws them out the window.

The man and lady rush to the window and look out. They see the parrot flying by with something in it’s mouth.

A brick.

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A brick! Ehhh, ehhh ehhhhh!

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