5 Ways I Trick Myself Into Functioning ‘Normally’ — Understanding Autism/ADHD

So, I think there is a real temptation for neurodivergent folks for try and ‘overcome’ their neurodivergence in some sense.

‘Maybe once I get on top of my ADHD, I’ll be able to do that’

‘God, once my autism is more in control, I’ll be a lot more social’

‘Once I’ve learned to manage my bi-polar stuff, I’ll be on it.’

It’s something you hear a lot. It’s something I’ve said a lot. It’s one of those things people say. I think on that we can agree*

There’s definitely some truth here. Like, I have no doubts that I’d be more productive if I was actively on top of my ADHD. I would be more social if autism was a less dominant factor in my life. It might be easier to be ‘on it’ without a flare up of bi-polar disorder. All of this seems true to me. I hope you agree. I bet you do. You’re always saying smart things.

But. Here’s what I’ve noticed. You know what I’ve never heard?

‘I’m so on top of my ADHD right now. Everything seems totally manageable’

‘God. I used to have to deal with autism before social occasions, but now it just doesn’t affect me anymore.’

‘You know. I never think about being bipolar anymore. It’s just not really a factor in my life’

Right?

I mean I could be wrong. I’ve very often wrong. Remember when I claimed pizza was better upside down? I’m not massively social** and my social circle is very much finite, so people could be saying this all over town. Maybe there is a large network of ‘post-autistic’ folks who are totally on top of their lives. It’s very possible.

But I don’t know them.

I have never heard someone talk about how they ‘got over’ or ‘dealt with’ or ‘totally manage’ their neurodivergence. Especially not in the long term.

So we have an interesting contradiction here I think. Because it seems to be both true that:

1. Neurodivergents talk a lot about aiming manage their neurodivergence in a holistic or comprehensive way.
2. No neurodivergents in my life currently claim to be managing their neurodivergence in a holisitic or comprehensive way.

Which is interesting, right?

We are all actively trying (or talking about trying) to manage our neurodivergences holistically without anyone to copy from. Or without role models. Or without a proper method. We’re just trying, I guess.

So, clearly I think we’re framing something wrong. It just doesn’t add up. What are we meant to conclude here?

Some Possible Conclusions

The ‘Neurodivergence as a Curse’ Conclusion
Well, it is possible to conclude that the task of managing neurodivergence is inherently conceptually flawed. That managing your neurodivergence is literally impossible. It is something that will rule your life negatively, forever. I call this the ‘neurodivergence as a curse’ framework. You know, the ‘autism is a scourge so terrible that it’s worth measles, mumps, rubella, COVID, and any other preventable disease’ crowd. It is something terrible and there’s nothing to be done. I think the idea is that neurodivergents are almost kidding ourselves that progress is possible.

Yeah… I don’t buy that.

Like, sure. As someone autistic, I occasionally I get waaaay too into YouTube and sometimes I get so nervous about going to a pub I get stuck at the door. That’s not ideal. But I’m generally happy. I have had a wonderful life thus far. I’m a father, I have a cool job, I have 100 Medium followers (at time of writing). Life’s good.

But most importantly, I have seen positive changes in my life. I can now answer the phone to a stranger (to anyone but Student Finance). I now often notice when I’m info-dumping and ask if that’s something that’s working for everyone. I now stim, and I find that relaxes me a whole lot. Genuine progress is possible. So no, this isn’t the right conclusion.

It’s a bit eugenicsy for me. Next!

The ‘Valid Neurodivergent’ Hypothesis
Maybe statement 1 is the one we need to interrogate more. Maybe the task is silly, because neurodivergents don’t need to manage themselves better. Maybe, neurodivergents are super hecking valid as it is.

Fuck yeah.

But I think there’s two issues here that are getting conflated and I think it’s worth teasing them out with an analogy.

So, queer people are super hecking valid.

No matter what appropriately aged person you’re attracted to and what’s in their pants, you are super hecking valid.

However, even if you’re a super hecking valid queer person, you might want to learn or grow in your queerness, right? You might want to learn queer history. You might want to watch Drag Race. You might want to learn about enemas. You might want to trim certain fingernails. You might want to learn about dissociative bottoming. You might want to learn about queer politics. The list goes on.

You equally might not want to learn or do any of those things.

You’d be super hecking valid either way.

Or, in other words, the quest of a queer person to improve or educate yourself (in any area) does not at all affect the validity of said queer person.

I believe the exact same thing is true of neurodivergent people. Sure, they’re totally valid. And for the three squirming people reading this, yes you too. For what it’s worth, you neurotypicals are super hecking valid too.

But that’s totally separate from the fact that I want to get better at reading peoples faces. Or I’d love it if I didn’t have to wash myself three times in the shower every time. Or I’d love to not care if a pattern was interrupted. Or I’d love to be able to focus when I choose to. Right?

So, yes. Neurodivergents are valid. But that doesn’t mean the quest to manage neurodivergence is in opposition to that.

I’d actually argue it helps. OK, next!

The ‘We Just Don’t Have The Method Yet’ Approach
This one makes a lot of sense to me.

I was born in 1989. It’s one of the many things T Swizzle and I have in common including regrettable Christian teenage years, failed public attempts at reinvention and dropping questionable ‘bars’ over ‘sick beatz’.

Which means I went to school in the 90s and 00s. You know exactly how many times neurodivergence was addressed in that time?

Sorry, that’s the wrong punctuation.

You know exactly how many times neurodivergence was addressed in that time.

Say it with me!

ZERO!

That’s right. See, I knew you were smart.

So, I think it would be fair to conclude that maybe it’s possible for things to be improved or managed better, but we just don’t know how yet.

I get that. I think we’ve barely begun to understand the concerns of our community. And we’ve even barelier begun to find appropriate solutions. In addition, there’s very little neurodivergent media, few resources, getting diagnosed is still a nightmare of waitlists and gatekeeping, and so on forever.

Maybe my friends and familiar looking to manage their neurodivergence are simply too early, in a sense?

Here’s the thing. That could very well be true.

In fact, I very much hope we are not currently at the peak of kneurodivergent knowledge. I would be incredibly surprised if we were (as well as, you know, quite sad).

But, I don’t think that invalidates the impulse behind the first statement above. Like, sure, we might not have the best tools right now, but, it’s not like we can just wait until we do. We have lives to live.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s probably true that we are also probably not at the heights of, I don’t know, cancer or dementia research or knowledge either, right? But that doesn’t stop us trying to fight those or a whole host of other human misfortunes.

I think when people say that we don’t have a good solution to something, it often comes with the hidden follow up that we shouldn’t try to solve it. You know, what’s the point? It’s impossible. And I get that feeling. I really do.

But I genuinely think that the only way it becomes possible is if we try anyway. Because that’s how our community learns.

So, sure, it might be true that we lack knowledge or methods or solutions in neurodivergent communities. No. It is definitely true we lack all those things. But that doesn’t mean progress is impossible or the attempt is flawed.

There’s some truth here, but I don’t think it’s the key conclusion. Next!

The Last One in the List So You Know It’s What the Author Thinks

*ahem* Excuse me, someone turned the subtext filter on. Let me just knock that off and try again.

The ‘Maybe We’re Looking at This Wrong’ Solution
So is the goal of getting on top of your neurodivergence just fundamentally flawed?

Honestly? I don’t think so. It is absolutely normal and valid to try and ‘manage’ your neurodivergence more effectively (for lack of a better word).

But.

If I’m being totally honest, I think I’ve been going about it the wrong way. Because I have never once achieved success in managing my neurodivergence holistically, or as a whole. When looking at my neurodivergences as a whole, I don’t think I’ve ever made any progress concerning ‘the whole thing’.

To be clear, I definitely don’t think neurodivergence is a curse. I don’t think it’s something you can’t make steps to address. I have many friends who have made enormous strides in managing various aspects of their neurodivergence. But never as a whole.

And that is I think the key point. I don’t know how realistic it is to address ‘being autistic’ or ‘having bipolar disorder’ or ‘having Tourette’s’ or ‘having ADHD’ and everything that means. It would be like trying to ‘solve your deafness’ or ‘solve your dementia’ or ‘solve your mental health’ or ‘get fit’. It’s way too much for anyone to do. It’s too big a task.

Let’s bring back our original point one and highlight where I think the issue in this seeming contradiction is.

1. Neurodivergents talk a lot about aiming manage their neurodivergence in a holistic or comprehensive way.

The phrase ‘in a holistic or comprehensive way’ is the issue here, in this humble person’s opinion. I think the attempt to deal with your ADHD or autism as a whole is, and I mean this nicely, doomed to failure.

It’s like saying ‘I need to be fit’.

Now I’ve been trying to get fitter since my adult metabolism kicked in and I stopped being fit as a teenage default. And let me tell you what doesn’t work to help you get fit.

Aiming to get fit.

It’s too big a task! It’s too vague! It’s too much to do! Where do you start?! How do you know if it’s working!?

You have to break it down.

Maybe you walk to work. Maybe you exchange your snacks for a healthier one. Maybe you buy some exercise equipment and keep it in your bedroom. Maybe you buy a gym membership. Maybe you drink a sugar-free/caffeine-free soda from now on. Maybe you take the stairs instead of the elevator. Maybe you walk to a shop instead of driving. Maybe you arrange more active activities for you and the kids.

Right? It’s not one task. It’s lots of little tasks that slowly improve the situation. And doing them over a longer period of time.

This is the way that I’ve had the most success in managing my neurodivergences. Not any of the big sweeping changes I’ve made. Not any of the big declarative statements I’ve made. Not any of the big dramatic pledges I’ve pledged.

Just small sustainable improvements to how I manage my neurodivergence in specific aspects of my life.

It’s tips and tricks, folks. That’s what seems to work for me.

I’m fully aware that tips and tricks have a bad rap in the age of 5 Minute Crafts and life hacks. I get that. Cola isn’t magic. Pipe cleaners aren’t magic. Microwaves aren’t magic.

The reason that this introduction is so long (for a change) is because I want to be clear that I don’t managing neurodivergence is a glib matter. I don’t think it’s something that can be appropriately addressed with ‘life hacks’ or ‘tips and tricks’ because it’s in anyway small or easy to deal with.

I also don’t want anyone to think that these tips and tricks are disingenuous in a clickbait-y kind of way. I’m desperately not trying to pedal snake oil, healing elixirs or magic beans. I have resisted every temptation to title this something like ‘5 ways to manage your ADHD today!’ or whatever.

But, I still believe that the most progress I’ve made with managing my neurodivergences is through using situation-specific tips and tricks.

So I thought I’d share them. If you’ll indulge me. Fuck it, you’re high now, right?

Let’s dive in.

5 Ways I Trick Myself Into Functioning ‘Normally’ As A Neurodivergent

Enough preamble. Let’s dive in.

I think every neurodivergent has specific things about how their brain work that they wish they could just overwrite. Things that we do that we wish we didn’t. Things we think and we wish we didn’t. And, if we’re being really really, things that we are that we wish we weren’t.

I have a ton. I wish I could look at someone’s face and know exactly what it means. I wish I could project the tone of voice in my head outwards with accuracy. I wish I didn’t just stop for days at a time. You get the idea.

I think I assumed that once I realised I was neurodivergent that help would arrive. That there’d be doctors and counsellors and resources and community and direct intervention. That the world might go ‘no problem, we’ll make accommodations for that’ when I mention my neurodivergence. I expected, well hoped for, efficient diagnosis and effective treatment.***

Yeah, not so much in practice it turns out. No diagnosis, no treatment, no help.

Four years ago, I was on a 10 day Wilderness First Responder course for work. I can remember the introduction to it vividly. After a brief personal introduction, they introduced the course and wilderness medicine. They defined wilderness medicine as ‘being 60–90 minutes away from care’**** Wilderness medicine is when ‘help is not coming’. If the patient is going to die within 45 minutes, they are definitely going to die. Help’s not coming.

Help’s not coming.

These words have been burned into my mind ever since. Being told explicitly that I was on my own in this situation was honestly life-changing. Because I think people kind of always think help is around the corner. But even reading the words:

Help’s not coming

unnerves me to my core.

And I have some bad news for the vast majority of the neurodivergents reading this. Say it with me:

Help’s not coming.

I’d bet most neurodivergents have experienced:

• Doctors doing anything to get rid of you
• Doctors trying to persuade you that you aren’t neurodivergent
• Doctors trying to persuade you that your neurodivergent isn’t a big deal.
• Doctors trying to persuade you you might not be neurodivergent when you come back in two months.
• Doctors who have received zero training in neurodivergence telling you how neurodivergence works while reading it directly from Google.*****
• Therapists who have received zero training in neurodivergence going ‘oh yeah, that sounds…. tough’ and moving on from it entirely.
• Employers who don’t get it
• Friends who don’t get it
• Family who don’t get it
• Charities talking a huge game about support and offering very little of it practically
• Infinite, endless waitlists for diagnosis/treatment
• Being unable to access waiting lists
• Being unable to access doctors
• Being unable to access therapists and counsellors
• Being unable to access work related support
• Social discrimination

To be clear, I’m not saying there’s no support. I’m not saying there aren’t excellent people who support neurodivergent individuals and the neurodivergent community at large. They are. I know lots of them. They’re great. But I’m saying that there isn’t a lot of it. I think, on balance, it’s fair to say that, with deep regret:

Help’s Not Coming.

Well fuck me. Right?*****

So what do you do when help is not coming?

Well, if I’ve learned anything as a mountain guide in Iceland, you just make it work. You fix it however you can. You bodge it.

The sole of both your clients’ shoes fall off? A combination of hair bobbles and duct tape will get you off the mountain.

Someone steals one of your group’s shoes on day 1 of 6? You find that guy a shoe. (Thank you Einar).

Secret surprise vegan who decided not to let us know in advance of a catered 6 day trip? You can always make a ‘vegetable soup’. It just veg and water, right?

You get the idea. You make it work.

I’ve spent the past few months applying this approach with my various neurodivergences. Help isn’t coming any time soon (yay waiting lists!), so I’m just finding what works to get by.

And that’s been reeeeeeeeally working for me.

So I thought I’d share with the class.

5 Ways I Trick Myself Into Functioning ‘Normally’ As A Neurodivergent

1. Eye Contact and Eye Colour
I have never been very observant. There is a long running joke that I never know what colour anything is. You can literally close my eyes in the middle of a room I’ve been in for hours and ask ‘what colour are the walls’ and I have less than no idea.******* It’s just not information my brain cares about.

I also don’t naturally make a lot of eye contact. It’s a whole autism thing. I sometimes get asked why and I honestly don’t really know. Sometimes it feels really intense. Sometimes it feels like I’m being ocularly penetrated (which isn’t super comfortable). Sometimes I forget. Sometimes there’s more exciting things going on elsewhere in the room. Sometimes it’s easier to concentrate when I don’t. Sometimes it helps me visualise whatever we’re talking about. Like I said, it’s a whole autism thing.

So I decided recently I wanted to make more eye contact. Blogs tell me it’s important. If I make more eye contact, people will trust me more. It might help me bond a little better. I’ll project more personable vibes. Apparently it will also give me more of that sweet, sweet dopamine and oxytocin. Sign me up.

The Trick — What colour are their eyes?

Everyone in the universe likes having their eyes complimented. If you hear ‘wow, your eyes are such a lovely blue’ or whatever, it can easily make your day. It is also true that if you know someone well and don’t know what colour their eyes are, that they might get upset. Trust me.

So I’ve started to trick myself. I don’t try and make eye contact. I say to myself, ‘do you know what colours their eyes are?’. See what I’ve done? I’ve not solved my eye contact problem at all. That sounds hard. I’ve tricked myself into making it work.

By choosing to challenge myself to get to know the eye colours of the people I meet, I’m making much more eye contact (and presumably everybody trust me, right?). No deeper work necessary.

This was the first trick I used on myself this year, and it got me thinking. What else could I trick myself into doing?

2. Tripping Over Exercise Equipment
Executive dysfunction is a bigger part of my life than I’d like it to be. ADHD paralysis too. I talk about it quite a lot. Here. Here. Here. It comes up a lot.

One of the things I, and I think a lot of people, find it hardest to motivate myself to do is any form of exercise. Which is a real shame. Because it turns out that exercise is pretty good for you, all things considered.

It’s especially important for me this year. My doctor’s say that getting fitter is one of the best things I can do to manage my chronic pain. For the first time in 4 years, I’ll be a hiking guide again. I imagine I’ll have to do at least a little bit of walking as part of that. Plus the only thing growing quicker than my daughter is her desire to be constantly carried.

I really want to exercise a bit more. And I want it not to be a whole dysfunction thing.

One of the ways I’ve found you can trick dysfunction is by cutting out the thinking part of the process. Instead of deciding what to do, you do things that have already been decided. You follow a to-do list. You follow instructions. You get a friend to decide what to do for you. Hell, you could even pay someone to make you exercise if you’ve gotta hella skrilla. There are a bunch of cool ways to beat dysfunction.

The Trick — Leaving exercise equipment all over the house

I rent a room in a two bedroom apartment. The apartment was 6 rooms. I think I currently have 5 caches of exercise equipment in the apartment. There’s the dumbbells and kettle bells in the corner of my room for starters. There’s a stepper in front of the TV. There’s exercise flash cards in my desk. There’s a yoga mat propped up in the corner. There’s some stuff in the bedside table. Oh, and there’s stuff in the wardrobe too.

And this is by no means a flex, as the kids say.

Instead of thinking ‘urgh, I have to exercise today’ and trying to make a plan, I literally just fall into exercising. Almost by accident. The stuff’s just there.

So no thinking necessary! Executive dysfunction has been circumnavigated! I just do whatever is in front of me.

Is this the best or most effective exercise plan possible? I highly doubt it. But I work on the ‘any exercise you do is better than none’ philosophy of exercise. So by surrounding myself with infinite options, I find myself much more likely to actually do some exercise.

And sometimes I even use some of the stuff!

3. Adding A Vegetable
So, I’ve been a professional cook at multiple points in my life. I want to be really clear, though, I have never ever been a chef. For those who don’t know the difference, here’s my cheat’s definition:

Cook — Works and a kitchen and does as they’re told.

Chef — Works in a kitchen and does thinking.

As I said, I’ve never been a chef. I’m not really someone who has a lot of thoughts about what to cook, or recipe inspiration, or anything remotely like that. I don’t often find myself designing menus. I just know how to cook.

Which is a real shame. Because I live alone. Plus, it turns out that you need to eat multiple times a day to survive. AND it also turns out that you have to spend additional effort and money to make that stuff healthy. It’s like this whole thing. A constant grind to make sure you don’t die. Relentless.

I don’t think it’s unfair to say that the need to constantly feed yourself healthy food is a scourge to the ADHD community at large. The inability to regulate dopamine (and therefore attention/focus) means that menu planning becomes a Herculean effort. Every. Single. Day.

Especially if you live alone. When the little one or friends visit, I can cook no problem. But feeding myself… oof. Yeah, I’m not great at that. Time Blindness has mealtimes race by without me noticing. Executive dysfunction often prevents me opening the fridge to plan. Planning isn’t my strength at the best of times. Some neurodivergent people just can’t follow recipes. Let’s just say there’s a reason there are so many articles about the challenges of cooking with ADHD.

To be clear, I’m not here to teach neurodivergents how to cook. I have no idea how you’d do that. I can’t do it regularly myself.

I’m one of those people who has takeout (when he can afford it) and otherwise sticks to a very limited repertoire of ‘quick cooks’. Pre filled tortellini and pesto. The healthier frozen pizzas. Granola and yoghurt. Things that go straight into the oven. Stir fry. Ramen.

And there’s a reason that I pointed out earlier that I’m a cook. This isn’t due to the (surprisingly common) lack of skill found in men my age. It’s not that I can’t cook. I absolutely can. Sometimes. I just usually don’t. It almost feels like I can’t.

The Trick — Adding One Vegetable (or Fruit)

One thing you’ll notice is that my go to foods aren’t the greenest or leafiest. Carbs, fats and the occasional protein but a conspicuous lack of vegetables.

So just add a vegetable.

I have achieved almost no success trying to meal plan. Recipe packs overwhelm me (I’m so sorry SortedFood, I love you guys). I can’t cook on the fly.

But I can add a vegetable.

I can hear you, my ADHDers! You think I’ve got fresh fruit and veg lying around?! No, I don’t. I know exactly what happened to all your fresh fruit and veg. You bought a big bunch of fruit and/or vegetables, you ate one, it stopped existing, it rotted and it slowly becomes a puddle until you shame-clean it in a moment of hyperfocus. I hear you. I honour that. I am living that. There are three bananas on my dining room table slowly liquifying. It’s OK. We can be real here.

Frozen fruit and veg are your best friend here. In my freezer I have frozen peas, broccoli, peppers, spinach, raspberries and mango. And this is not a shopping day. This is standard. I actually usually have sprouts and edamame too. Because you can always add a fruit or vegetable.

Ramen? Whack some peas into the water as it boils! Broccoli too!

Pasta? Stir through frozen spinach. Or add peas to the water! Or both!

Cereal and granola? You can through some frozen raspberries through that.

Pizza? Your frozen veg will boil/microwave in the time it takes to cook.

Now. Let’s be clear here. Are frozen vegetables always as rich in nutrients as their fresh counterpoints? I don’t think so. If you have fresh veg use those. In fact, feel free to just eat a vegetable on the side. That totally counts!

But, are frozen fruits and veggies more nutritious if you eat them than if you don’t? Abso-fucking-lutely.

You can absolutely always add a vegetable.

4. Buying in Multiple
Hey, neurodivergent folks! Where are your keys? Where are your glasses? And, the bane of my life, where are your headphones?

Neurodivergent people lose stuff. Folks with ADHD especially. A lot.

I have always constantly lost everything. Here’s a list of things I lose on basically any given day

• Keys
• Wallet
• Phone
• Chargers
• Cards (like my pool card, bus card etc)
• Headphones
• Hat, scarves, gloves etc. (I live in Iceland)
• Shoes
• Coats
• Jumpers
• Every single piece of paper I’ve ever received.

You get it. I lose things.

It’s been such a constant source of stress my whole life and I’ve tried a million ways to solve it. Everything has a place. Everything has a particular pocket for it to go in. I still check for my phone, keys and headphones every time I get off a bus. But things get lost. Every day.

My friend Edda has this rule. She says that if you think something positive about someone, you should tell them. I like that a lot.

So, I have to say that my friend Fífa changed my life in regard to losing things.

I would spend so much time being stressed, mad or guilty about losing things. I’d think about how much money I’d wasted. All the better things I could have done with that money.

Fífa’s Tip — You can just buy multiples of what you need

She told me that I was told the sort of person who loses things. So I should just buy more of things. Sure, I’m probably going to lose them all eventually, but this makes it much more likely I can find what I need when I need it.

Wait? You can do that?

Yeah, turns out you can.

Pictured: The incredible unlikely scenario I know where both my glasses to demonstrate this point.

I have this idea. I call it The Inconsistency Inevitability. The idea is that everyone isn’t on top of their shit sometimes. And when I’m the mediocre-est me, I lose stuff.

Instead of getting mad that I lose stuff, Fífa gave me permission to just accept that I lose stuff. And to buy more stuff.

I currently have 5 pairs of gloves. I know where 2 of them are. But my hands will be warm if I need them.

And I’m much less stressed.

5. Mantras
Don’t worry, I’m not (consciously) whitely wading into Eastern traditions I don’t understand. I did more than enough of that doing my theology degree to last a lifetime.

We’re going to take Google’s second definition of mantra for our purposes today:

A statement or slogan repeated frequently.

It might go without saying, but autism is weird.********

You have to follow the rules. Or your brain really wants you to. Even if the rules are patently stupid sometimes.

It feels like there is a ‘right’ way to do things. In all cases. Like, there is a proper way to do things and it’s weird that people so often choose to ignore it.

Here’s a list of genuine questions I have had for the world this week. And they are all about rules I believe exist. For example:

• Why do you have HR policies you don’t follow? I mean, like, follow them or don’t have them, right?
• Why wouldn’t you indicate on a roundabout?
• Why you folks storing your sauces out the fridge when it says on the bottle to refrigerate after opening it?
• Why you folks trying to win capitalism when it’s clear in the rules that can’t?
• Why is DeSantis being allowed to do what he’s doing?
• Why you folks not storing your cups next to your kettle?
• How come there’s no established rules about how to greet people?
• How loud can you talk in the gym?
• Why don’t we have a slow and fast lane in high traffic pedestrian areas like we do for cars?
• How come alcohol and tobacco are legal when other intoxicants aren’t?

All of this is just to say that I care about the rules. Whether those rules are real, imagined, cultural, habitual or metaphorical doesn’t really matter that much. As an autistic person, I feel like I have to follow the rules. I feel like I have to make the best choice. I have to do the right thing.

Sometimes those are real rules. People should indicate while driving. Folks should refrigerate their sriracha. HR policies should absolutely matter. But some aren’t.

I call these rules ‘neurodivergent nonsense’

What’s this? An interruption after 4,700 words? You’re damn right it is!

Neurodivergent Nonsense

To be clear, I’m not saying neurodivergent concerns are nonsense. I’m not saying that neurodivergent concerns aren’t valid. I’m not saying that neurodivergent concerns aren’t real. Neurodivergent concerns are both real and valid.

But here’s what I’ve learned.

Neurodivergent concerns are always real and valid for you. Mileage does, however, vary on whether they are valid for anyone else.

Neurodivergent nonsense is how I describe my (usually autistic) neurodivergences that affect me and only me. It’s letting the folks around me know that this is a ‘me problem’. That whilst it is having a real effect on me, they don’t need to be alarmed or affected themselves. It’s just neurodivergent nonsense.

Here are some examples of my own autistic nonsense:

• I can’t touch microfibre cloths. It makes me feel like my soul is vomiting.
• Cutlery has to go ‘fork, knife, spoon’ in the cutlery drawer.
• I am not clean until I’ve washed myself three times in the shower. Ideally with two different soaps.
• Parking is easier when you turn right than left. I hate parking when turning left.
• I can’t wear red. I’m not angry.
• Long sleeve shirts have to have their sleeves rolled up or I can’t wear them.

Now. Are any of these actual issues other people need to take seriously? I don’t think so. Because they’re not real problems are they? It’s not impossible to achieve. Maybe it’s best to think of them as extreme preferences.

I can *wretch* use a microfiber cloth if I *wretch* need to. But I reeeeeeally would rather not.

They’re real problems to me. But they aren’t to the world. And I don’t know if it’s fair or sensible to expect to change around my extreme preferences.

It’s just neurodivergent nonsense.

I’ve decided to hack into the neurodivergent nonsense.

Here’s my thinking. I follow all the rules. Some of those rules are ‘real’ or more real or more socially accepted. Some are neurodivergent nonsense. Regardless of whether they are real or nonsense, I prefer to follow the rules. Even if I made them up.

Wait, though. If I can make up neurodivergent nonsense, maybe I could make up good rules too? And then autistic me would have to follow them? Because autistic people cannot be inconsistent (on purpose).

A mantra is just a rule you make up for yourself, right?

Sure, lots of them are ancient and wise and all that, but mechanically what a mantra is doing is making up rules for yourself.

Is it too bold to say mantras are basically neurodivergent nonsense?

Rules that matter for you and noone else?

(I know that’s probably not true, but I’m having real trouble identifying why. Let me know in the comments!)

Don’t worry I’m making the same skeptical face you are. This is my live reaction to typing that.

Ignoring my nuclear grade hot takes, I do think it’s fair to say that mantras work.

My best ones are in my tattoos. These are words I live by. Always.

Get through the day. Be kind. Be positive.

But here’s the thing. I have infinite neurodivergent nonsense. Maybe I could have a lot of mantras too? I’ve been experimenting.

Some of my current mantras are:

• Never walk backwards
• You can always say that more kindly.
• If we are kind and polite, the world will be right.
• We don’t cancel on family, unless we really have to.
• Maybe let someone else get a word in.
• Rarely hurts to smile.
• Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing.
• Noone cares about my dick in this public bathroom/changing room.
• You are not your neurodivergences.
• There’s always time to make sure you have what you need.
• You’re allowed to be sick.
• Wear your glasses, dickhead. You have chronic headaches.
• Edda’s rule — If you think something kind about someone, tell them.
• (Some) people want to hear from you
• There’s always time for feelings.
• Be patient with boring people. They didn’t choose this life.
• There’s always time to calm down before acting.
• Being right isn’t always enough to win.
• Enjoy writing. It’s a hobby.

You see what I’m doing here, right? I’m creating neurodivergent nonsense that works for me. Constructive neurodivergent nonsense, if you will.

Fundamentally, a mantra is just a motivational chant. It’s something you repeat to yourself to improve your life. The theory goes that if you repeat your mantras often enough they will become your rules for life.

I repeat these mantras (and many, many more) as often as possible in the hope that they become rules. Because I follow the rules. Always.

I think it’s starting to work.

In Conclusion

There are a lot of words here. Sorry about that. Here’s the take-away or TL:DR version:

In my opinion, there is currently no effective way to get on top of neurodivergence in a holistic way. I don’t know if it’s impossible, yet to be discovered or because help isn’t coming. But I don’t know anyone who’s on top of their neurodivergence.

Here’s what works for me. Identifying an individual situation you’re unhappy with and hacking it. Find something that works in that situation. Bodge it. Even if that solution looks or feels weird to someone else.

Life is iterative. Just make sure the next episode is a little bit better. Even if it’s with frozen peas.

Until next lovelies. Thanks so much for reading.

You did it! You made it through the whole thing! Well done you! I’m so grateful you took the time to read this. It means the world. Thank you.

If you liked what you read, feel free to smash the like button. Remember Medium lets you hit it up to 50 times. So, you know, feel free to!

We have now hit 100 followers!!! I’m so grateful for every single one of you and hope we keep growing this awesome little community. Feel free to join us!

I also love hearing from you! Do you have any tricks to get your mind to do what you need it to? Feel free to share in the comments!

Thanks again for reading. I hope you have a fantastic day and remember to be kind to yourself today. And, you know, always.

* If you don’t agree, feel free to hang out me and my friends until you do. Trust me, it comes up.

** No prizes for guessing why…

*** I can hear every one of you neurodivergents giggling at me expecting diagnosis and treatment. What can I say? I was a sweet and innocent summer child back then.

**** Like an ambulance, doctor, hospital etc.

***** Once it was Bing. Fucking Bing. I almost stormed out.

****** It might be more true (and less bleak) to say that ‘help is not coming soon’, or ‘enough help is not coming’, or ‘appropriate help is not coming’. I wouldn’t want to quibble about that. I’m mostly just trying to explain how it feels for me.

******* Although it turns out guessing magnolia or off white is right more often than not.

******** I wish I could say this isn’t the exact standard of writing you can expect on this Medium profile. But I promised I’d never knowingly lie to you guys.