Dadical Honesty — Portents of Doom
You ever have an experience where it feels like everything suddenly changes? Or something happens that fundamentally made you feel like you’ve entered a new era? A moment of time that suggests that life will never be the same again?
I have. In fact, I had one of these exact moments yesterday.
Now, those who know me might be worrying. Oh no, did you get hurt? Do you have to move? Is something going on with Iceland? It’s nothing like that. The optimists among you might be thinking that it might be good news. Maybe I have a new treatment for my chronic pain or a new job? Maybe I’ve found some cool new technology or found an opportunity to do something cool? I’d argue that my choice of title effectively rules that out.
No. This was the moment that it felt like everything changed. This picture perfectly encapsulated the moment that my life changed (or at least started to change) forever.
This picture might not look like much. This might look like a lovely afternoon in the park after school. Honestly, it is a picture of exactly that. So Matt, what’s with all the Doom Talk?
Well first we need some context.
My daughter is almost 3. She’s in that wonderful age where she’s, in my conception of things, becoming a ‘proper person’. We’ve seen an explosion of language, an increase in curiosity and the birth of a cheeky, headstrong personality. She’s started to make her own jokes*. She’s started to make her own little plans and then goes to make them happen. She’s starting to tell me what to do and why I should do it. It’s been amazing to see her develop from a little lump to this cool, fun little toddler.
But throughout this progression from baby to boisterous there has been one universal constant in my toolkit as a parent. One thing that could always be relied on to solve a parenting situation. One solution that basically always worked in basically any scenario.
I could always pick her up.
If you don’t have kids you might not understand what a big deal this is. Or, you might not realise just how multipurpose this solution is. Picking your kid up can solve basically any problem. Don’t believe me? Consider the following scenarios. Imagine that:
You’re running late for something
Boom! Kid is in the arms and you’re on your way. You make it on time. Sorted.
The little one is sad and you don’t know why
Boom! Kid is in your arms receiving a wonderful reassuring hug and kind words. Problem solved.
The little one is about to get themselves into danger
You guessed it! You can just literally hoist the little one out of the road of danger and avert the entire situation. Nice!
You have literally no idea how to entertain your clearly bored child
Boom! You can pick them up and bounce them up and down or make them fly like an aeroplane or bounce them on your Dad-tum. Picking them up can be a huge source of entertainment for your little one!
They’ve made a huge mess and are dripping in it
You can just pick them up and put them directly in the sink, bath or shower and deal with it then. Nice and easy.
The little one doesn’t want to leave somewhere fun but time has run out
Sure, in an ideal world, you’d talk to them and they’d listen. But at a certain point it’s comforting to know you can solve the problem by just using your arms and bringing them with you.
The little one is taking stuff out of other’s kids hands or vice versa
Toddlers are horrible at sharing. Fights will inevitably arise at playgroup over the best toys. Whilst I always try diplomacy first, I’ve found that the best solution typically is to just literally move your little one to a different area with different toys. Diplomacy is an ineffective solution for 2 year old disputes it turns out.
Your kid is slower than a slow thing on a slow day
Sometimes toddlers move glacially. Every step takes forever. Every distraction is distracting. Every stone and twig on the path must be examined forensically at great length. Well, not if you pick them up!
I could go on forever. There is literally no solution that is as generally effective as a parent of a little one, than being able to pick them up. Which brings me to the picture above.
My little one isn’t really a crier or a screamer. She’s generally not one for tantrums. I’ve never had the entire shop turn around to look for the terrible Dad with the screaming kid** and to see me a toddler screaming for ice cream or whatever. No, that’s just not her style.
When my daughter is upset she has recently started doing the same routine without fail. When something doesn’t go her way, or, when something fun has to stop, or, when she wants something and can’t have it, we always get the exact same response.
She will flop to the ground without a sound and just lie there. Mostly face down.***
Time to stop watching Peppa? Flop to the ground.
Time to stop playing and get ready for nap? Flop to the ground.
Time to change a nappy? Flop to the ground.
Time to get the bus to head to Mamma? Flop to the ground.
Time to eat food which she didn’t pick out? You guessed it! Flop to the ground.
Now, the more astute among you realise that there’s a natural solution here. Of course, you want to try and talk it out with the little one if possible, but, as you’ve very cleverly spotted, her move is vulnerable to one particular parenting technique. I can just pick her up.****
So what if, dear readers, that (God forbid) no longer worked? What if the final failsafe just didn’t do its job? What if I just couldn’t pick her up?
And that is what happened in this picture. She flopped to the ground and I couldn’t pick her up.
Minutes of negotiation followed but luckily the next thing on the agenda was Peppa Pig. Realising that what she wanted to do was inside, she quickly stood up and left the park. It was a lucky escape. But the parenting landscape had fundamentally changed.
Some of you might be thinking I’m overreacting but I’m not sure you realise how big a deal this is. This was the one solution that literally always works. This was the thing that you could always do if everything else has failed. This was my parenting Get Out of Jail Free card. And Poof. It’s gone. Just like that.
The effects were immediate. In fact, I’m pretty sure the little one realised instantly that I was suddenly much less able to solve problems than I had been literal hours previously. Don’t believe me? Well…
On the way home a few hours later, we had to catch a bus. There is only one bus every 30 minutes at that time so it’s really important we catch it so we can make bedtime at Mamma’s house***** We left my flat on time and were about 300m from the bus stop when suddenly, out of nowehere, you guessed it, she flopped to the ground. Completely downed tools. The full flop. Fuck.
I know I can’t pick her up. She knows I can’t pick her up. We’re stuck.
And then I, like basically every parent has, started the humiliating dance of having an uncooperative child in public. I think most parents have been there. You: trying to wrangle your kid while maintaining your composure. Kid: trying desperately to make you look as silly as possible while building an audience for their shenanigans.
I suddenly realised how dependent on picking her up I’d been in terms of parenting solutions. I’d been so used to solving issues that way that my other skills were a little bit rusty. I tried asking her nicely. No dice. I said I would call Mamma and tell her that she was misbehaving.****** Not bothered. I told her it was making me sad that she didn’t want to join me on the bus like Philippa Perry recommends. Nope. I said that Peppa and George (Pig, naturally) loved getting the bus and that she does too. Head perked up at the shout out, but nothing doing. (The knowing giggling from the crowd at the bus station is rising with every attempt by the way.)
At this point, I was frustrated, out of ideas and late. So I used the ultimate empty threat and said that I would leave her and get the bus myself. Now, I may be misremembering this but I distinctly recall her raising her head slightly, looking at me and saying, ‘I bet you fucking won’t mate’ with her eyes. And she was 100% right about that. Urgh…. I could see the bus pulling up. I was running out of time.
Finally, I remembered some youth worker training from years gone by. Suddenly, as if my old Camp Coordinators were there with me at that moment, something somewhere spoke the words ‘make it a race or a game’ into my brain. I say, ‘Hey, little one, I’m going to run for the bus. Bet you can’t beat me there!’. She was on her feet and running. We made the bus. The giggling abated.
I got lucky. I worked it out this time. But next time, who knows? It feels like I’ve entered a new era of parenting. And it’s one I’m not entirely sure that I’m ready for…
Luckily, I have some time. There were extenuating circumstances for not being able to pick her up yesterday. Firstly, I also had to carry her scooter*******, which left me with one useful arm in this scenario. Secondly, I sprained my ankle last week, I’m still limping and I’m supposed to keep weight off it.. Picking up 17kg or so in toddler weight is pretty much the opposite of keeping weight off your foot.
Luckily these are both temporary. I still have some carrying weeks left in me. Life hasn’t fundamentally changed fully. Yet.
But it will. The portents of doom are there. Change is coming. The horse is bolting.
I think I need to buy some more parenting books.
Hi everyone, thanks for reading this new edition of Dadical Honesty. I love writing them and I hope they’re enjoyable for you too.
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Chase joy today.
* Most of her jokes involve deliberately confusing the food on her plate with other food on her plate as she giggles. She’s definitely an up and coming comic.
** This is a jokey phrasing but while I’m on the subject… If you get annoyed at kids crying in public places, you’re an asshole. Kids cry. It’s part of the whole thing. Parents are trying their best but it’s both not an exact science and not always possible to stop crying immediately. So crying is just something that happens. Maybe try sympathising with the upset little one, rather than judging or fuming. You were a kid once too. And I bet you cried.
*** Occasionally she will snore to pretend that she’s asleep to add to the effect that she can’t move. But she will always do this with a wide smile and her eyes open. It is genuinely one of the creepiest things I’ve seen.
**** It’s probably worth saying that picking her up is almost always preceded by attempts to solve it with words and followed by explanations and reassurances to make sure the problem is addressed. We’ve been struggling with transitions a fair bit recently and it’s been useful to have a big hug as we transition between activities in the past couple of months. So when I say ‘pick her up’ you can think more ‘gives love and support whilst moving her’ rather than ‘treats like luggage’.
***** Obviously it’s not actually that big a deal. If I was late, I’d send a text and it’d be fine but, you know, that’s not how it feels at the time, is it?
****** While we’re here, I don’t love this move from me here. I definitely see how it could make my co-parent seem like the ultimate authority or someone to be scared of and I don’t like that at all. But again, I was panicking. Every day is a school day, right?
******* The scooter is exactly as adorable as it sounds. She looks so happy scooting up and down the street. But her steering needs work so we can’t ride it in high traffic areas. Like the bus station I live next to.
