Dadical Honesty — The Curious Quandry of Quality Time
I woke up this morning with nothing to say.
Now, I imagine that at least ten people reading this just laughed to themselves and said some version of ‘yeah, right…’ or ‘in what world?’. That’s fair enough. It’s very unusual. As I’ve said before, I’m usually a man of many words.
But this morning I woke up without an idea in my mind. I spent all of yesterday in bed with a headache and it seems that every single erudite or articulate thought I had to write about has been replaced by indifference and chronic pain.
It is on days like this we look in our Drafts folder to see what pearls of wisdom or fun detours that Past Matt has left for us. And, let me tell you folks. The drafts folder is much… weirder than I remember.
In amongst the nascent article series and half finished thoughts, there are, by my own admission, some pretty good ideas. There’s a few articles I’m mulling over before I write them. There’s a few thoughts on neurodiversity or chronic pain that I really want to write about but will take a lot of time or emotional energy that I don’t currently have. There’s even a few in there basically written but I’m not feeling brave enough to press publish on.
But folks, let me tell you, in amongst the hidden gems and burgeoning ideas, there is some absolute dreck. Some dross. Some drivel. Utter hogwasgh.
Which makes sense, right? Not at all your ideas are good ones. It’s nothing to get upset over. It’s literally part of the natural editing process and all part of the fun.
And, to be clear, this doesn’t at all upset me to say. There are hundreds of valid reasons for why you might not end up writing an article in your drafts. You might realise:
- That your question/topic has an obvious answer (e.g. Does Genuine Spontaneity Actually Improve Anything? — yes sometimes).
- That you don’t have the words to explain your feelings properly or adequately on an emotive topic (e.g. I don’t get ‘coming out’ (which is a good sign))
- That you only have a title but you don’t actually have anything to say about the topic (e.g. Five things I like about myself right now)
- That your Mum reads these (e.g. An ode to medium dick energy)
Like I say, there are a bunch of reasons you might not want to write an article you drafted.
The reason I bring this up is because this morning I experienced a new one:
It was way too dark.
The title I wrote down was ‘An Unrepentant Vent’. Ominous, right? Do I remember what I wanted to vent about? Nope. Do I feel the need to vent now? Nope. Life is good. And yet the title is staring me in the face. What is Past Matt so angry and/or upset about?
Sometimes Past Matt leaves Future Matt notes so he knows what the article is about if the title isn’t obvious. I’m a bit hesitant to share what I wrote. It says:
‘An unflinching look at all the things that make you truly angry’
I have no idea what that means. I am literally not angry about anything currently. Past Matt was clearly going through some stuff.
Are you OK, Past Matt?!?
Literally, the only thing I can think of is that Past Matt’s 48 hour bout of a spring cold last week led him down this dark and scary path. Honestly, it’s a little nerve wracking to think that all that separates me from ‘An Unrepentant Vent’ is a blocked nose and a scratchy throat.
So, yeah, I hope you’ll forgive me for ducking that one…
Let’s talk about quality time instead.
I have always been relatively obsessed with quality time as a parent. As someone who doesn’t live with their child and whose time with their kid is limited, the importance of quality time is something I feel keenly.
It’s also something you hear a lot in general conversation. You’ve ‘got to make the most of your time together’. After Dad’s weekend you will be told without fail that ‘it must have been nice to have some quality time’. You’ve got to ‘make your time count’.
And I took that to heart.
I actually think this is something I’ve always done. Whether it’s with friends, family or in romantic relationships, I aim to make sure the time we spend together is of the best quality.
I want to make sure that time I spend together with anyone I care about is the best it can possibly be.
So how did I do that in practice? Did I relax and enjoy every single second? Did I try and maximise time together? Did I think about what activities the little one and I would enjoy the most?
Nope.
I did what a lot of dads do (I think) and I filled all of time together with activities. Wall to wall things to do. Never a dull moment. Activities. Games. Places to go. Things to see. Educational activities. New toys. You know, what all the good Dads do…
In fact, if there ever was a dull moment, I would feel incredibly guilty that I wasn’t spending enough ‘quality time’ with the little one. Because that was just time. It wasn’t quality time. Right?
Wait a minute, before we get going, what actually is quality time?
I think when a lot of people hear the term ‘quality time’ they might be reminded of ‘The 5 Love Languages’. It might even be the ‘go-to’ definition for quality time. On his website, the author of ‘The 5 Love Languages’, Gary Chapman, describes quality time as “all about giving the other person your undivided attention.” The idea is that you turn off your phone, you give up all distractions and give that time to someone else.
About that…
A brief aside — The 5 Love Languages
You’ve probably heard about the 5 love langauges. Since its publication in 1995, Gary Chapman’s ‘The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts’ has achieved an impressive level of cultural ubiquity. I guess selling 20 millions books and hanging out in the bestseller lists for 8 years will do that… Anyhow, it’s everywhere. Friends tell each other their love languages. Some marriage therapists/counsellors use them in their treatment. There are infinite self help books based off the principle, including several in Chapman’s ‘5 languages’ series. I’m sure some studio is looking into making a ‘5 love languages’ expanded cinematic universe as we speak.
For those unfamiliar, the basic idea is that we both receive and give love in one of 5 main ways:
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- (and importantly for our purposes) Quality Time
And, to my mind, there’s a lot of good ideas here. I think it’s good to think about how other people might ‘feel loved’ and to realise that it might look different to how you receive it. This is something that I experience especially keenly as someone with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It’s also good to think about developing new and interesting ways you could express love to a partner/friend. This rubric gives a good basis to start that exploration for sure. It’s also good to be able to see how others might be trying to show love without you realising it. I could keep going. There are loads of ways it can be positive for a given relationship to think about how you communicate love, affection and care.
But I think that Chapman’s idea is guilty of what I can ‘thing-ification’.
Matt now pauses this interruption to interrupt it with an interruption-interrupting interruption. Can you tell he didn’t plan this one out and just started writing? Bear with him, he’s going somewhere!
Thingification
Forgive me, professors.
Thingification is something a lot of writers are guilty of, particularly philosophers, theologians, psychologists, anthropologists etc. Here’s what happens:
- The given thinker finds a useful lens or interpretation of/for a given topic (let’s take the love languages)
- The thinker then creates categories using that given lens (for example, the 5 love languages).
- The thinker really likes their idea.
- The thinker (and this is the important point) starts to believe that their idea is no longer a lens or a framing device on an issue. They believe that their lens is describing objective truth. (Shit, there are really are only 5 love languages)
- The thinker starts to think their idea is a ‘thing’. Like gravity. Or the laws of thermodynamics. (i.e. there actually are 5 and only 5 love languages).
A lot of prominent thinkers are guilty of thing-ification. They decide that their ideas are a thing. A universal truth. Profound insight. When the truth is far more likely that their insights highlight certain helpful aspects of an issue whilst being limited in other ways.
Recent examples of thing-ification might include:
- Everything is order and chaos (Jordan Peterson)
- There are 5 love languages (Gary Chapman)
- Utilitarianism (various)
- The Secret (Rhonda Byrne)
- Expected goals (XG) and expected assists (XA) (all of football Twitter, TiFo football, the Athletic)
- Sigma/Alpha/Beta males
- Rizz
Now this is not to say that there is nothing to these ideas (Except you, Jordan. You’re a terrible academic and a worse person). There are definitely useful ways to use these concepts. They describe something that exists. (Again, not you Jordan. You’re definitely and provably a bad academic.).
But it would be going too far to claim them to be universal rules or unbreakable truths. Similarly, the 5 love languages aren’t a law of nature. The team with the most expected goals doesn’t always win the league. Someone might have rizz in one situation, but not another.
In short, these things aren’t a thing. They’re a useful idea, lens or framework that highlights helpful aspects of certain given topics.
Sorry about that. Back to the original interruption.
As I was saying, the 5 love languages aren’t really a thing. They’re a useful, creative way to conceptual relationships but they aren’t natural laws or universal concepts that always apply.
Off the top of my head I can think of a bunch of other languages that I experience ‘receiving love’ for that don’t fit comfortably or neatly into the 5 love languages:
- Sharing knowledge on a subject I’m unfamiliar with
- Smirking at me
- Accepting my neurodivergences publicly
- Asking questions about my interests when you have no interest in it.
- Effective parallel play
- Being goofy in public
- Smirking at me
- Sending me memes when you can’t sleep
- Giving me the space to obsess over whatever I’m currently hyperfocussing on
- Taking the time to understand the reasons I do things
- Wearing bright colours
- Folks, I can’t stress this enough, smirking at me
Similarly, I show love in ways that don’t really fit the love languages either. For example:
- Researching things they love so they can talk about them if they want
- Keeping my hair the way they like
- Not changing things during difficult emotional times
- Not dominated board games like I could so it’s fun for everyone
- Not info-dumping and turning it into an article
- Liking everything they do on social media
- Setting effective boundaries.
- Discussing consent (to the extent that’s relevant or useful)
- Responding promptly to messages
- Taking their side whenever I can
- Wearing my best and brightest colours
- Bigging them up in public settings
Again, I’m not here saying that I think I’m a groundbreaking lover or friend. I’m saying that love is complicated, broad and vast. That there are infinite ways to love someone and to be loved in return. Not just five.
Now, you might look through those two lists and go ‘well, responding promptly to messages is kind of an act of service’. Or, ‘accepting neurodivergences might actually be words of affirmation’ Or, whatever.
This is why I try to resist thing-ification. Because I think we can sometimes get obsessed with trying to make ideas fit specific narrow categories, instead of using the framework or metaphor for its intended purpose, in this case to think about how people communicate love.
Because that’s the point, right? To better communicate love. Not that there are definitely 5 love languages or whatever.
To be clear, I’m not actively trying to rubbish the 5 Love Languages wholecloth. Other people far more qualified than me have done that effectively here and here, if that’s what you’re looking for.
The 5 Love Languages were created to provide people with a way to discuss and improve their relationships; it’s not a universal truth. It’s a helpful idea, amongst thousands in life, you can use to make incremental improvements in your life.
Finally, back to the main article.
As an autistic person, I have a slight tendency to interpret these things literally. I would take a definition like Chapman’s for quality time and actively seek to achieve it. Literally.
Undivided attention. Check.
Phone off. Check.
No distractions. Check.
In the pursuit of maximal quality time, I would plan my structured activities. I’d also make an effort to complete my learning objectives (especially around English). I made sure that I did my trips to cool places and to see cool things. I was absolutely determined to ‘do quality time’ and to do a lot of it.
And it didn’t really work.
Sure, we had lots and lots of fun. The little one’s English is much better (though a strong argument exists that Peppa Pig is more responsible for that than I am). We saw lots of cool stuff in lots of cool places.
But I didn’t feel like it was quality time.
In fact, it felt like exactly what it was. It felt like a man and a 2 year old checking off various to-do lists of things that people do when they have quality time. It felt rushed. It felt pressured. It felt whatever the opposite of relaxed is.
Thinking about it, there are many things that are impossible to achieve when trying really hard to achieve them under time constraints and/or emotional pressure. For example:
- A good first date — If you turn up to a first date and declare it’s going to be a good time, it often isn’t.
- Being relaxed — Very rarely has someone telling me to ‘Relax! Geez!’ relaxed me. Similarly, just trying to relax isn’t usually all that relaxing.
- Being ready for love making — Without being too graphic, all genitals need to achieve certain textures or ‘states’ to be ready for effective lovemaking. Trying to make your body get there basically never works.
- Being chill/easygoing — Actively and/or explicitly attempting to be chill will generally leave you with a large case of ‘cool mom’.
I’ve not seen a good word to describe this kind of thing. You know, the sort of thing where they more you try, the harder it is. And, as a writer of literally no renown, I feel like I’m allowed an attempt at naming it.
I call these scenarios: Inverse Effort Situations.
An ‘Inverse Effort Situation’ is one in which the more you try to achieve something, the less likely you are to achieve it.
And I’ve come to realise that ‘sharing quality time’ is an ‘inverse effort situation’.
Which makes sense intuitively right?
For instance, imagine a friend who you are not super close to comes over. They don’t say what the plan is, they just turn up at your house. Once they arrive, they say ‘Right. I know you have 3 hours spare so I’ve brought 7 bonding activities and we are definitely going to spend quality time because we are definitely going to be close friends. The best of friends.’
Now, this may be the autism talking but I’d absolutely hate that. Not only that but the pressure of sharing ‘quality time’ would immediately make me incredibly uncomfortable. Plus, I’m not at all convinced it would be an effective prompt for quality time.
Furthermore, what if I was in a different mood? Or, I was super tired? Or hungry? Or sad? Or sleepy? Or all of those? Or in hyperfocus? Or in dopamine deficit? Or all of the above?
And yet. That’s what I was doing to the little one. For the right reasons, sure, but I was putting so much pressure on each and every 3 hour after-school visit that I made quality time functionally impossible.
In other words, I had made two mistakes:
- I had turned quality time into a thing. Total thingification. Instead of taking the broader point that it’s good to spend time with the people you’d love, I’d gotten bogged down in the specifics of a made up category. Because quality time is a useful concept to make sure you remember to prioritise spending time with your loved ones. It’s not a thing.
- I had forgotten that quality time is an inverse effort situation. I was so trying so hard to make quality time happening without realising that my efforts to do so were literally making it impossible (or much less likely) to achieve.
As my Peppa Pig loving daughter would say, ‘Silly Daddy’. Very well-meaning but silly, indeed.
Thinking about it I don’t think quality time is actually something you can aim for.
To be clear, you can and should absolutely aim to spend time (and in my opinion, as much time as you can) with your loved ones. But I don’t think you can aim for quality time.
Because quality time can only be seen in retrospect, right? That’s the secret here. That’s how to do it.
You spend the time fully engaged in the moment, whether that’s some elaborate adventure or time together on the couch watching cartoons. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you look back on time spent together and go, ‘yeah, that really was quality time’.
Or, maybe, I’m being too cynical. Thinking about it more, maybe, all time spent with loved ones is quality time. And quality time isn’t a thing at all.
I really don’t know.
But what I do know is that you can’t create quality time by trying really and relentlessly hard to have quality time.
Last week, the little one and I went swimming. Well… we went to the swimming pool.
We went into the changing rooms and immediately something was off. She was sluggish and sad. I started to take her shoes off and she just broke down and sobbed.
“I don’t want to go swimming, Dad”.
I don’t know for certain, but I reckon two weeks ago, I reassure and comfort her but insist on going swimming. We’re here, we’re almost ready and we both enjoy it. But also, this is quality time! Swimming is a bonding activity! I don’t want to miss out on quality time!**
Last week I did something different. I listened. I asked if she was sure and that we didn’t have time to come back if we left. She said she just wanted to go to my flat. So we go back to my flat. She asks to watch TV. I say sure.
When I sit down on the sofa she sits as close as possible to me. She pulls my arm so it’s round her. For the next hour we cuddle, we laugh and we talk about whatever adventure Peppa is on.
When her Mum picked her up that evening, I suddenly thought:
That was quality time.
Because I think the secret to quality time isn’t effort or planning. It’s taking the time to listen. It’s taking the time to be present. It’s taking the time to be in the moment. It’s literally just making time for the people you love.
You know, to the extent that it’s a thing at all.
Either way, I make a lot fewer plans for me and the little one these days. And I think we will probably share a lot more quality time as a result.
As always, thanks for reading lovelies. Until next time.
Thanks for reading this meandering treatise on quality time. As always, I massively appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read my writings. It truly is a gift.
Oh my goodness, there’s so many of us these days! Over 70! You’re all very welcome and feel free to subscribe for more.
As always, I’d love it if you liked this article (if you did indeed like it), feel free to leave a like. For some reason Medium lets you like things up to 50 times. So feel free to really go for it!
Also, if you know someone who would get a kick out of this article, I’d love it if you shared it.
Also also, if you had anything you wanted me to write about feel free to send me a question anyway you like. You never know, you might end up on the next edition of Matt’s Mailbag!
Have an amazing day folks. Remember, drinking water is rarely a bad idea. Unless you have hyponatremia. In that case, maybe see a doctor.
* Unless, of course, we’re dealing with the second bullet point on the above list. Maybe it’s better to say the more you actively try, the further you are from your goal.
** That small sound you may have just heard is me physically cringing at ‘two weeks ago Past Matt’.
