Things I’d love to be Normal — Asking friends to make low stakes decisions for you
I’m great in a crisis.
I always have been.
It’s actually something that I share with a lot of people with ADHD. Anecdotally it’s something you hear a lot. We thrive in chaos and disaster. Literally, every one of my friends with ADHD is great when the shit hits the fan.
I read recently that it’s got something to do with us producing extra Theta waves. I’ll be totally honest, I have no idea what Theta waves are…
I actually think it has more to do with hyperfocus. Whilst somehow not being an official symptom of ADHD*, it’s something that most (if not all of us share). It’s the moment that there is only one thing on your mind. The thing you’re doing. For me, personally, hyperfocus feels like everything else just fades into the background. More than that. It becomes borderline imperceptible. I mean that literally too.
There are other factors that make us good in a crisis too. The natural creativity that often accompanies ADHD leads us to be effective problem-solvers. We also have the ability to go from ‘first gear to fifth gear’ mentally with just a tiny bit of dopamine, so we are always ready for a crisis. Maybe we’re practised at having to ignoring the infinite distractions of modern life for exactly these moments. Noone really seems to know exactly why this happen. It’s a mystery!
But I can tell you what it feels like.
If I have my AirPods in, I feel the music but I don’t hear it. If someone doesn’t break my focus deliberately, I won’t hear them. I won’t eat. I won’t divert my attention. My phone doesn’t exist. And I suddenly become incredibly productive. I devour information. I am capable of learning an immense amount quickly. I make effective, quick decisions. I. AM. ON. IT.
And, to be clear, in that time, I make fucking excellent decisions. The relevant details shine bright. The path forward is not just clear but obvious. What needs to get done gets done. In a crisis, I’m decisive. I’m assertive. I’m in total control. Honestly, it feels great.
Just to be clear, by ‘crisis’, I don’t mean something bad that has to change. Because it is perfectly possible to argue that you might be in constant crisis if you define a crisis as a problem that needs solving, whether that’s the cost of living crisis, environmental crisis, housing crisis, opoiod crisis, you get the idea. That’s not really the crisis I shine in. I think Google has a usable definition here:
‘A time where a difficult or important decision must be made’
Common examples include:
- Medical emergencies.
- Leaks/broken household stuff that’s leaking and about to ruin the house.
- Kids going messy and/or dangerous stuff (I’m thinking of The Little One dripping in paint and touching everything)
- People (often my clients as a tour guide) going missing.
- Navigating when lost.
- Something that you don’t know how to solve and need to.
You get the idea. I could genuinely talk all day about crisis management. It’s where I really thrive. I’m weirdly comfortable in these situations. When the chips are down, when it really counts, I trust myself 105% to crush it in that particular emergency.
In fact, that’s part of why I love being a tour guide. Sure, 97% of it is taking photos of British tourists at waterfalls, but you never know when you might need to crack out the powers of ADHD! I’ve had people who lost the soles of both their shoes on the same 1 day hike on a mountaintop. I’ve had medical emergencies where clients can’t breath properly. I’ve had clients wander off without one word into the wintery wilderness. I’ve had clients scream at me to shut up when it’s my job to talk to them. Each time, click. ADHD engaged, problems were solved and everyone had fun.
Here’s the thing though…
How much of your life do you actually spend in a crisis?
Answers will of course vary. But as I sit in a lovely cafe in the 3rd happiest country in the world, my personal answer is not a lot. Not a lot at all.
And that’s a real problem for me.
Because I suuuuuuuck when there’s no crisis. So fucking much.
I fundamentally believe that there are two types of decisions in the world: decisions that matter and decisions that don’t.
When you’re in a crisis, every decision makes (or can make) a big difference. It’s getting to the hospital in time. It’s turning off the gas/electricity when the leak is dangerous. It is calling the right rescue service when the client can’t keep walking. I get all of that. I feel comfortable with that. Those decisions matter.
But, if we’re truly honest with ourselves, most decisions we make each day don’t really matter.
That sounds nihilistic. What I really mean to say is that there are multiple (if not infinite) acceptable answers to the question or situation. And it doesn’t matter which you choose. You can choose any of them. It doesn’t make any difference whatsoever to anything really.
It probably makes a difference if you walk up or down the hill on a broken leg, but does it really matter what I have for dinner tonight? Or what to watch on TV? It just fundamentally doesn’t really matter, does it?
There are loads of decisions we make every day that don’t matter. Like:
- What to eat
- What to wear
- When to go to bed
- What to do during leisure time
- When to shower/bathe
- What to buy at the store
- What kind of exercise to do
- What TV show to watch
- What music to listen to
- What video games to play/buy
And when we look through this list, we actually see that here we have listed basically everything that one does in a normal day.
I sure wouldn’t want to be the sort of person who couldn’t make decisions about any of that! Right? RIGHT?!
Wait! What’s that? Oh! It’s an interrupting section where Matt explains some of the ways he struggles to make decisions and why!!! Yes!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!
Now interestingly, there’s actually multiple reasons why I find myself unable to make decisions that don’t matter. Or, at least in my conception of things. Without aiming to be comprehensive, the main ones are:
Analysis Paralysis
The first and most widely known of the issues with making decisions that don’t matter is often called ‘analysis paralysis’. In the linked article, The Mini ADHD Coach defines it as:
“Analysis Paralysis is defined as the state wherein a person has trouble making decisions due to extensive contemplation of at least one of the possibilities”
‘The possibilities’ can be anything. The linked article chooses colour, which is a classic example. Sometimes it’s price. Sometimes it’s whether a particular purchase is ethical. Sometimes it’s not knowing if a certain brand is good or reliable. Sometimes it’s not knowing which option is the best. It can literally be anything.
Because I tend to make decisions analytically, I can get stuck in a loop where I look for criteria by which to make a decision. And when there’s no clock, that system can serve me poorly.
The article linked describes analysis paralysis as ‘too much worry’ to make an effective decision. I know what it’s getting at, but I actually don’t se it the same way. I see it more as literally never being able to make a decision because you can always get more info on an infinite timescale. I’m not worried. I don’t have a deadline or effective judging criteria. Either way, the struggle is very much real.
Executive Dysfunction
Slightly different but no less affecting is executive dysfunction. ADDitude lists some of the symptoms of executive dysfunction as:
- time blindness, or an inability to plan for and keep in mind future events
- difficulty stringing together actions to meet long-term goals
- trouble organizing materials and setting schedules
- trouble controlling emotions or impulses
- difficulty analyzing or processing information
That describes it well in an academic sense. But that’s not really how it feels.
Imagine you’re using a computer to do your work. It’s going to be a super productive day. You’ve mapped out your plan. You’ve got some breathing room in the diary. You’re feeling good. You’ve brought healthy snacks and an exciting drink. All signs point to progress. You turn the computer on. It bricks. It alternates between a spinning wheel of doom and making 1997 ADSL modem noises. Despite your best efforts, no work is happening until the computer lets you.
That is what executive dysfunction feels like to me. I know what I want to do. I’m motivated to do it. But the computer (my beautiful ADHD riddled brain***) says no. Nothing happens.
Having no good decision making criteria
I don’t really have preferences.
That’s clearly ridiculous. I guess I mean I don’t always have preferences.
I get the sense that neurotypical people make decisions based on what they want or like most of the time. Here’s a weird thing. I often can’t tell which of two options I like more.
So this might be ‘peak autism’ to say, but I usually make my decisions based on logical**** criteria. I buy the foods I buy because they are relatively nutritious, familiar and cheap. I go to the restaurants I go to because of price, location and my friends like to go there. My coffee order of a black decaf americano***** is a combination of health advice and being the cheapest thing on the menu.
So when it comes to making dinner, I have a problem. I could basically cook anything. There are literally infinite options of things to have for dinner. I’ve worked in multiple kitchens so no recipes pose any significant stumbling blocks. I like basically all food******. How do you choose between infinite, similarly priced, equally time consuming options?
I can’t. And it can be a bit of a problem in my life.
Others
It’s worth pointing out that this is by no means meant to be seen as an exhaustive list. There are so many reasons that people struggle to make low stakes decisions. Some other examples might include:
- Anxiety
- Abusive relationship dynamics
- Financial instability
- Decision fatigue
- Depression
- Addiction
- PTSD
- OCD
- And many, many more!
This is definitely something that affects a bunch of people. And, as you read this, it probably affects several people you know personally.
OK, here comes the big idea.
I think it should be normal to call up a friend, lover or family member to make ‘decisions that don’t matter’ for you.
I think it should be normal to text someone ‘hey, dysfunction is kicking my ass, what should I eat for dinner?’ or ‘I’ve gotten stuck in a loop, tell me what you’re watching and I’ll watch that’ or ‘My brain won’t let me make a decision, Doritos or Walkers’ and so on.
I think it should be totally normal to reach out to someone when you can’t make a decision that doesn’t matter and let them save the day.
Because it’s not just folks with ADHD that struggle with executive dysfunction and analysis paralysis! It might just be me who doesn’t really have preferences, but I know for a fact that lots people have moments where they can’t make decisions. So why should we struggle? Let’s get help with that shit!
Now, I think there should be some important caveats:
I don’t think it should be normal to ask just anyone to make decisions for you
Firstly, I think this is something that is for close friends and family. There’s real emotional labour here. You might not trust the consequences of making a decision for an acquaintance. But I think everyone should have a few people to turn to for low stakes executive decision making.
I think there are some people who you definitely shouldn’t ask to make these kinds of decisions for you.
I’m one of them. For the love of God, don’t ask me if you should have chicken or fish******* Not just anyone can do this. You need a person with a particular set of skills. You need to find someone who thrives at this.
No matter who takes the decision for you, you are responsible for the outcomes.
The only way this system works is if there are no repercussions (beyond banter). If someone chooses fish for you and you get food poisoning, that’s not on them. If someone chooses a colour for a new shirt and it ends up not working, that’s not on them. Making a meaningless decision for a friend is a gift. You don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
Similarly, ‘deciders’ need to take their responsibility seriously
Uncle Ben (Parker not the rice guy) was right when he said ‘with great power, there must also come great responsibility’. Don’t use this as a way to punk your poor friends with executive dysfunction. Whilst it might be (very) fun to choose hilariously complicated, gross, expensive or weird food for your friends, try not to. Try. Unless it’s really funny. Then tread lightly.
As always, consent is king.
To be clear, I don’t intend for this interaction to be binding in any sense. You can’t expect other people to make decisions for you. You’re asking for a favour. If you don’t get it, that’s totally fine and you don’t get to be pissed off.
Being OK being ignored when you give an answer
Sometimes when I can’t make a decision, someone else making a decision can show me what I actually want. So, if I ask what to eat, they might say pizza. Now that the decision has been made that sometimes frees my mind to make its own decision. I go, ‘Thanks for the suggestion. Actually I want thai food I now realise’. I don’t think the system works if you get mad that I don’t have pizza. The decision itself doesn’t matter. The fact that it’s made does.
Another Interruption! This time it’s to say something nice about my Mum!
My friend Edda once gave me some excellent advice. I call it Edda’s Rule. Edda’s Rule is:
‘If you think something nice about someone, tell them’.
I like that a lot and aim to do it whenever possible. I have also taken the spirit of that to mean that if you’re inspired by someone, let them know. So, in that spirit, I want to explain where this idea came from.
My Mum is also not one for making decisions. She honestly rarely wants to make a decision about anything (blah blah blah, something about apples and trees).
BUT she has done an excellent job assembling friends who love making these kind of decisions. Without exception, her closest friends are all people who enjoy choosing things like where to eat, where to go or what to do. I know that if my Mum ever struggled to make a decision she’d have multiple to call. That’s super smart. She’s way ahead of the curve on this one. I think having friends making arbitrary decisions for you be normal because she is making it work so well for her.
And Kerry, Rachael, Sarahs (and more I probably don’t know) if you’re reading this, I thank you. Both for helping my Mum do things but also for inspiring me to write this!
In conclusion
I think sometimes in life, we all forgot the actual point of what we’re doing. I certainly do.
I think sometimes when I’m trying to decide on what to eat, I get so obsessed with price, the time/effort it’ll take, nutrition etc. that I often forget to eat a meal at all. Or I’ve thought so hard about what I want to do at the gym that I don’t have time to actually go. I’m sure we’ve all spent more time than we’d care to admit in the menus of streaming websites rather than watching something fun.
There’s just so much unimportant stuff to decide on. Modern life is a constant stream of low stakes decisions that don’t really matter on an inidividual basis. And, importantly, if you regularly struggle to make those decisions life can become completely overwhelming really quickly.
So, I believe that if you struggle with this kind of decision that it should be normal to ask for help.
I think it should be totally normal to have your friends make low stakes decisions for you when you just fucking can’t.
If you’ve read all this and you still don’t get it, let me say the following:
Firstly, thanks so much for reading! (Like and subcribe! Share with your friends!)
Secondly and more importantly, I have good news for you my friend. You have the gift! You can make low stakes decisions! That’s awesome! And I have even better news! This isn’t an Uncle Ben situation! You don’t have any great responsibility!
But, if you wanted to do someone a huge favour, you could make low stakes decisions for them. You know, if they asked. Or you could offer.
I’m sure they’d appreciate it.
Trust me, they’d really fucking appreciate it.
Until next time, lovelies. Thanks for reading.
Hi everyone, thanks for reading this most recent blog. I really enjoyed channelling what I’m feeling into my writing and I hope you enjoyed an insight into my ADHD inspired mind.
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As always, I want to hear from you! Do you struggle making life’s little decisions? What do you wish would be normal? Answers on a postcard!
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You’re the best. Chase joy today.
* I don’t know why not. Everyone I know with ADHD has it, but I’m not here to argue with the DHM or anything.
** I’m not at all suggesting that climate change isn’t time sensitive. It absolutely is. But in a long term way. Anyone else think we need a new word for long term crisis? I suggest ‘catastrophuck’ but I’m open to suggestions.
*** Whilst I perceive executive dysfunction as part of my ADHD, it’s definitely worth pointing out that this is something everyone can (and usually do occasionally) experience.
**** Or more accurately, that is, logical to me
***** Yes, that’s super depressing. To be clear, I’m not recommending my decision making criteria to anyone whatsoever.
****** My current rule is that I won’t eat eyes or genitals but anything else is fair game to try.
******* I mean, feel free to. But expect me to open the fire hose of autistic questions on you to try and help you find a logical decision. It will most likely not help.
