Understanding Autism — Mission Stim-Possible
Oooooooooooh, watch out, because here comes another series that will most likely only have a single entry.
What’s this one all about? Well, in the summer of 2022 it became practically impossible for me to ignore that I have a touch of the ’tism. You know, in the same way that the Hulk has a touch of the rage issues… So, having dabbled with the idea of being autistic for years, it was suddenly time for me to turn pro.
Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t know anything about autism, or, to give it its full name, Autism Spectrum Disorder. Did you know that Asperger’s isn’t a thing anymore? Or that boys are 5 times more likely to be autistic than girls? Or that dogs can make autistic life easier? I sure didn’t. Which isn’t ideal. You know, my brain works different from the average brain and I haven’t ever really learned or been taught a thing about it.
Well, at the tender age of 33, I have decided that now is the time to do some exploration into autism. I have three main goals. They are:
- To understand my own mind better. If autism is the lens I see the world through, I reckon it would be beneficial to find a map to navigate it better.
- To share some information on the off chance that other neurodivergent folks read it and gain a bit of knowledge which might make their life a little bit easier. Plus, I know that I often felt (and feel) so alone as an autistic person. So, if you’re autistic or neurodivergent: you’re not alone. Your quirks are totally valid. We’d most likely be friends.
- To share the autistic experience with non-autistic folks, especially my family and friends. I recently read a super inspiring book ‘I Take My Coffee Black’ by Tyler Merritt. There’s a quote in it that I love:
“proximity breeds empathy. And with empathy, humanity has a fighting chance. Distance breeds suspicion. But proximity breeds empathy.”
You might not know anything about autism. It might seem scary. We’re weird as balls. It’s fine to think that. We do. We are. But, with this series, maybe instead of autism being some far off scary ‘disease’, it could be just the way your friend Matt experiences the world. And that would be pretty cool.
OK, thesis statement established. Let’s crack on with the first installment!
You might not know the word ‘stimming’. I didn’t before I diagnosed myself as autistic. When I first heard it, I instantly disliked it. Stimming. It sounds gross. Vaguely sexual, vaguely medical, massively off-putting. It sounds like how an alien orgasms. No thank you. It definitely doesn’t initially sound like something I want to do or something that could be helpful to me.
Wait, I’ve done that thing that writers do* where I’ve tried to start the article in an interesting way, rather than an informative way**. Let’s start again.
Stimming, or to give it its full name ‘self stimulating behaviour’ is a method of self-soothing that is often recommended to neurodivergent folks. According to Wikipedia, stimming is “the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, moving objects, or other repetitive behaviors”***. Which I assume, unless you’re familiar with the topic, means absolutely nothing to you. It meant nothing to me. So let’s try and break it down a bit. Let’s ask some basic questions. And actually, the way that I first really understood what stimming is, and how it could help me (or you), was to ask:
Why would someone stim?
I never get asked what autism feels like. Or ADHD. Or anxiety. Or chronic pain. Which is weird, right? I fundamentally perceive and process the world in a way that most people don’t and literally no-one neurotypical has ever asked what it feels like. Maybe that’s something to think about.
But if you did ask, one of the things I’d say about how I feel being neurodivergent is that it feels like a superhero. But, not when a superhero saves the day and everyone loves them and puts them on their shoulders and T-shirts. It specifically feels like the ten minutes of t hemovie after a superhero gets their powers and spends their time wrecking shit completely inadvertently. It’s Superman freaking out in the school closet because he can suddenly see inside his teachers and friends. It’s Miles Morales sticking to Gwen Stacy and the walls of his high school, but not anything he means to stick to. It’s Bruce Banner being completely at the whim of the Hulk.
It is OVERWHELMING.
Stimming, or self stimulating behaviour, is a way for people (especially those with neurodivergences) to deal with those feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s a way to soothe your mind when everything feels like it’s a bit much. So in my own personal experience, sometimes ADHD means my thoughts whip up into a frenzy, almost like a washing machine spin cycle. Stimming helps me focus and slow down. Sometimes autism makes me feel like I’m alone, disconnected from the rest of the world.**** Stimming helps me feel a bit more connected. When anxiety strikes, the world feels like it’s “too much, man”***** Stimming puts things into a more realistic perspective. Many excellent writers have described chronic illness as a joy thief. Stimming brings reminders of and connection to small joys.
These aren’t the only things stimming does, but how it works for me. Certain repetitive actions calm me down, relax me, connect me and soothe me.
But, to be clear. It doesn’t cure anything. It doesn’t fix anything. It’s not permanent. It’s a momentary comfort. You could think of it like after-sun lotion on a sunburn, or a greasy meal after a hangover, or a cold compress on a minor injury. You feel a bit better for a bit.
Now you might be tempted to think…
Oh, so it’s a neurodivergent thing? It’s not a thing neurotypical people do?
Nope. Everyone stims to a greater or lesser extent.
Here I think we’ve arrived at the reason that I couldn’t connect to the term. The word itself. Because if I asked the average person how they stim, they’d look at me with confusion and/or distain. But if I asked them what they fiddle****** with when they’re on the phone, or what they faff with in meetings, or what they play with in their hands when they’re bored they’d probably give me an answer.
And as soon as I understood that everyone stims most days, the issue became MUCH clearer. Which means we can finally answer:
What is stimming, then?
To me, stimming is something you do repetitively because it feels nice.
That’s it. It’s not that complicated a topic when you really break it down.
It’s how you fiddle (stop snickering….). It’s how you faff. It’s how you play. It’s what your hands do when you’re understimulated by what you’re doing. It’s what you do when you’re overstimulated. It’s what you do when you’re nervous without realising. And everyone does that.
The only concept I think is even vaguely original in recent thinking on stimming is that you might not know is that you can do it with intentionality. Most people stim unintentionally or subconsciously. But you can absolutely go out of your way to stim for some self-soothing and that’s totally valid. Stimming feels good. And you can seek it out intentionally to soothe what ails you.
OK, I think I get it. Can you give me some examples?
Darn tooting!
So I’ve stimmed all my life, I just didn’t realise it. I could list hundreds of ways people stim but right now I’m going to list my 5 current go-to stims. Please note this is a small and inexhaustive list! OK, let’s go:
Fidget Toys
If you’re old like me and did your Christmas shopping in person because you don’t trust the interwebs, you may have seen these popping up in toy stores, department stores and whatever you’d call B&M Bargains.
These are toys designed to play with while doing something else.There’s all kinds. Squashy balls, foldy cubes, poppy boards and so on. There’s kind of no rules as to what fidget toys are. I use them when I’m writing (have I told you I’m a writer?), when I’m watching TV, when I’m on the phone, when I’m walking around. They feel great.
I’d go as far as to say, if you are the sort of person who prides themselves on being a good and inclusive host, I would thoroughly recommend that you have a box of these in your living room and signpost it to your guests.
Stroking Pets
I normally live in Iceland, where I don’t have any pets, but I’m currently in England staying with my Mum and one of the benefits of home is Ozzie.
Ozzie politely posed for the picture above. He’s about to turn 7. He sleeps approximately 98% of the time. He is not very bright. But when he falls asleep on me on the sofa and I stroke his soft coat everything feels better. Same for cats. You don’t need me to explain that stroking pets is a soothing thing do you? Of course not. Next thing!
Biting my Nails
I think that a lot of ‘bad habits’ are just stimming. I think of my childhood and 85%******* of what I was told off for when I was young were attempts at self-soothing behaviour.
I used to pick the individual fibres out of the carpet in primary school when the lessons were boring. The teachers hated that. In secondary school, I used to click my pen over and over when I didn’t know the answer to a question in exams. My fellow students weren’t huge fans of that. And I have always bitten my nails. My family still has thoughts.
Here’s the thing, it is a bit gross. It’s probably not good for me. My nails are a mess. But, honestly? I don’t care. It calms me down in a way little else can. It’s how I stim when anxious. And if you bite your nails too, I think that’s super hecking valid.
Snacks
Speaking of oral stimming, I love to snack. If I was listing things that consistently bring me joy, it would permanently rank in the medal positions.
When the world gets a little much, I love crunching something crunchy, sucking something salty, savouring something sweet, or feeling the heat of chilli burn delightfully across my palate. Basically, anything where there’s texture and flavour in abundance. Here’s my current top 5, in reverse order:
Chewing Gum — I love chewing gum (sorry Mum!). The initial strong flavour and evolving textures are really satisfying modes of oral play. And no, I definitely didn’t have to say it like that. I’m not sorry.
Kebab meat — I love the mild spice, salt and the fact it’s served in weird ribbons. Food is more fun when slurped as long, thin, flat sheets.
Fizzy drinks — There is nothing quite like the texture of carbonation on the tongue. Flat drinks are exactly that. Flat.
Ice Pops — I may have lost some of you here. I think Americans call them Freezies or Freezie Pops. Basically frozen luminous sugar water in thin plastic tubes that you can suck or crunch. Great texture, great flavour, excellent stimming. Pushing them up out of the plastic is awesome fun too!
Crisps — Basically anyone that knows me well, knows that I love crisps. I have very strong opinions on which are the best, but I think the old adage of adages about pizza and sex very much applies here: “bad crisps are still crisps”. Crisps have got everything. The crunch. The texture of the flavouring on the potato, corn or tapioca starch. Salt. Spice. Flavour. Joy. Variety. Looking into the face of God. Man, do I enjoy crisps. And… nope, do not get fixated on crisps, Matt. Finish the stimming article. Finally, there’s…
Lyle
I could have labelled this section ‘velour’ or ‘soft textures’. I absolutely love being in soft bath robe and feeling blankets against my skin. As I write this I am hugging a duvet.
But I’ve been noticing a weird backlash in recent media to the idea of adults with toys. And that’s super fucking stupid. It’s a direct corollary of the warped thinking that joy, fun and whimsy are only for children. Toys are great. Play is valid (watch this space for a ‘What I’d love to be Normal’ on ‘Play’). Feel free to completely ignore boring people who boring their lives boringly in boring houses with their boring stuff, thinking their boring thoughts and congratulatory their boring friends on their most recent boring purchase. I repeat, toys are great.
Anyway, this is Lyle. Lyle Ack. He’s a purple seal (?) and he often sleeps with me. He’s got soft fluffy bits that feel like heaven, a smooth tummy to stroke and a scratchy nose and whiskers. He has cute little hands and feet which you can hold or pull a bit if you’re stressed. He’s squashy and doesn’t mind being a pillow. He’s an excellent toy. And when I’m stressed and can’t sleep, he’s perfect for stimming.
So, what have we learned?
God, conclusions are hard aren’t they? When I write, it feels like a snowball gathering snow as it rolls down hill. It increasingly gathers pace and seems increasingly impossible to slow down, let alone stop. So forgive me, that I need to stop it with a clunky metaphorical fence of an explicitly labelled conclusion.
Hopefully, you know what stimming is (repetitive stuff that feels good)********. You know that everyone does it. You know that it can be really helpful for neurodivergent folks. You know that you can do it subconsciously or consciously. And, potentially most importantly, you know what snacks to buy me for movie night.
But what I hope you take away from this is an understanding that stimming is perfectly normal. People stim. For some reason, most cultures I’ve been a part of seem to judge, draw attention to or chastise stimming. So maybe let’s stop that? Yeah? Or, in other words:
LET MY PEOPLE STIM!
Thanks for reading, lovelies. Until next time.
* Yep, I’m just casually going to add myself to the collective noun of ‘writers’. I’ve written 6 blogs now, so, you know, that’s basically being a writer, right?
** It’s almost like I largely write these for my own benefit.
*** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimming
**** Fun fact: the word ‘autism’ actually derives from the Greek word “autos”, meaning self. It is better translated as “alone”.
***** BoJack Horseman should be required viewing for all folks with mental health issues, neurodivergences or non-straight sexualities.
****** It is a real shame that the word fiddling has such bad connotations because it really is one of the best ways to describe stimming. However, it would be naive be ignore the kiddy/bum/-on the roof association, so alas, we’ll stick with the off-putting term stimming.
******* Being a smart arse is, unfortunately, not a form of stimming.
******** There is a whole discussion absent from this article which is about some self-harm being used as a form of stimming. Some autistic people hit themselves when overwhelmed, or harm themselves in other ways. I have been that person. On multiple occasions. This is an important point to raise so I want to flag it, but I didn’t feel equipped to tackle it within the article. One day I hope to say more, but right now I can’t. I hope you understand. Here’s a link that you may find helpful: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/self-harm
