A Modern-Day Family Conversation
(EMILY, a blonde 8-year-old, and MAISIE, a brown-haired 6-year- old, sit on the floor in their small bedroom. Barbie dolls, books, crayons, clothes and candy wrappers are strewn about the floor and bunk bed. The door is closed. DADDY, dressed in khaki pants and a blue oxford shirt, stands outside the door, cellphone in hand. DADDY takes a deep breath and dials EMILY’s cellphone number. The ringer is set to the theme of Austin & Ally. EMILY answers and puts on the speakerphone.)
(EMILY looks at MAISIE and rolls eyes.)
I’m sorry, she’s not available right now.
May I leave them a message, please?
Can you tell them that Daddy called? He’d really like them to clean up their room. Their Mommy will be home in two minutes.
I’ll tell them, but I really don’t think that’s going to be possible.
They really don’t like getting these calls. Particularly in the middle of the afternoon. People play, you know. How would you like it if someone called you while you do whatever it is you do?
(DADDY leans head on the door.)
I’m terribly sorry to bother them, but I’ve got a really good deal if they’re willing to listen. It’s only for a limited time.
For the next two minutes, children who clean their room get a second scoop of ice cream for dessert.
(EMILY pauses, looks at MAISIE and smiles. MAISIE smiles back, then goes back to drawing on the carpet with permanent marker.)
May I put you on hold for a minute, please, miss?
(DADDY pauses for ten seconds while rolling up his sleeves.)
My apologies for the delay. You're not going to believe this, but we can throw in the sprinkles. No additional work required.
Sorry,we don’t need them. I've just learned that Maisie has a can of sprinkles stashed inside the fake Hermes handbag she got from her aunt who lives in New York City.
Hmmm, let me see what else we've got. Well, they can also eat the ice cream on the couch. While watching TV.
That's show's really annoy–I mean, Jessie would be fine.
(MOMMY enters through the front door. DADDY covers the phone and briefs her on the situation.)
You won't believe this, but my boss just authorized me to offer them the opportunity to stay up an hour-and- a-half past bedtime. And let me tell you, I've worked here a long time. This never happens.
OK. And Maisie would also like a pirate ship.
How about a toy pirate ship? With toy pirates? And we'll throw in a toy parrot, with no obligation.
(MAISIE whispers in EMILY's ear.)
The parrot has to be real. That's non-negotiable.
Emily would like a new cellphone.
She can have Daddy's Blackberry.
OK, what about that Google phone, the Android, or whatever?
On Verizon, right? The AT&T service isn't good in their room.
OK, a Google phone. From Verizon. With unlimited texting.
And they'd like a cleaning lady.
A cleaning lady. Like Sophia has.
Yes. She has a cleaning lady. Her Daddy is rich.
Her Daddy is also an assho–I mean, a cleaning lady. OK. But that's it. I'm all out of offers.
So, we have two scoops of ice cream, eaten on the couch while watching Jessie, staying up an hour- and-a-half past bedtime, a toy pirate ship, a parrot, a new cellphone and a cleaning lady. Can we call it a deal?
Well, you know, they really don't like doing business over the phone. Can you send them something in writing so they can review it?
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