Tidy whities still suck

Yep they really do. Do not buy tidy whities!

Underwear Specs:

  • Model: ComfortSoft Brief
  • Brand: Hanes
  • Material(s): 100% Cotton, waistband probably spandex blend
  • Style: Plain old ass tidy whities
  • Price: Low $1.38 per pair
  • Approximate Steps To Chafe: ASTC 500

I had to do this review super stealthy so my wife wouldn’t see them. These things are not a turn on. Let me tell you. I felt way less attractive just wearing these things. I could feel what little chemistry I was aware I had just float away. Like bubbles into the night…

I took a shower before bed, slipped into bed, then put these on. I woke up the next morning, and the first thing that I noticed was that half of “My Boys” were hanging out. I mean, seriously! These briefs didn’t even hold up through the night. The “support” they provided couldn’t even make it to the dawn.

As soon as I got out of bed. I almost immediately noticed that they were running down my backside. My butt was showing almost as soon as I took my third step out of bed. By the fifth step it was all out. The crack was on full display. In many ways, I felt like I was wearing a straight up thin floppy diaper. A diaper that decided to give up, and end it all. Or, a super depressed diaper that just decides that it is going to flop around on my body. Like a dry piece of stupid diaper cloth. It wasn’t even trying to be a pair of underwear! Part of me was a little angry…

I knew that I needed to bring a backup pair to change into. These would not last me for an entire day. As soon as I started getting ready for work in the morning I started feeling friction between my thighs. I would go as far as I could. To try to get the best experience out of a standard pair of underwear. However, I knew the hours were numbered for these briefs. They were like a boring acquaintance who is always being a downer. Eventually you are going to want to part ways. Usually sooner rather than later.

I just thought about this now. Underwear are like people to me. I want underwear that is supportive, and brings freshness into my life. That I can feel good in. I want underwear that provides some resistance when I go a little to far. That will keep me in check. Underwear that you really feel like you can be yourself in. Underwear that doesn’t judge you, but holds you for the person that you are. Weird body in all.

Anyway… Lets get back to my review.


The war-zone of the morning walk.

I started out my morning walk pretty much knowing that it was going to be bad news. I have never served for my country, and have no clue what that sacrifice must be like.

But, I felt like I was going on the front lines of war (or at least what I see in movies). I knew when I started my walk that the pain would be coming. I knew what I was in for, and I did it anyway! The friction was already in full effect as I walked out the front doors. Passing the front of my work building. I could feel the heat rising. Then for a slight moment it would stop. As I took my next stride it would come back with a little more heat than the previous stride.

Around step 500 it hit. The dreaded chafing… It was due to the inseam of my pants. It started to rub the bottom of my thighs. Due to the inseam the chafing then spread throughout the rest of my thighs like a red hot sticky burn that would not be satiated. The chafe would declare its victory swift and brutally.

It did my friends. It did.

My morning walk is roughly 2000 steps. Which actually isn’t all that much. It’s usually a leisurely stroll for about fifteen minutes. After this morning’s walk I was defeated. That fifteen minutes felt like 4 hours. I started walking bow legged. I couldn’t take anymore. I went into the bathroom after my morning walk, and changed into my backup pair of boxer briefs as fast as I could. Thus ending my brief stint with the boxer briefs.

Pain Area Diagram

For these reviews I plan on doing “super scientifical” diagrams for my pain areas. I don’t think anyone wants to see an actual photograph of my pain areas. On a personal level I don’t want that much documentation of my pain areas. Using a diagram is a win for everyone all around.

My back-crack was pretty much in full effect. As well as part of my pubes were peaking out a little. All the areas in red were the areas that hurt.

Footnotes

Sometimes you get a little good in the sea of bad

I didn’t chafe at the very top of my thighs. Most likely this is because that is the only place the fabric is. It was a surprising result personally. I found is that tidy whities protect about as well as a cheap pair of cotton boxer briefs. I thought that they would have done a worse job, but in reality they do about the same job. In some places they perform marginally better. Since tidy whities still ride up. They provide slightly better protection around your package. While cheap boxer briefs after a short period of time. Just end up not providing any protection at all.

Approximate Steps To Chafe

It’s a completely arbitrary measurement I made up. Abbreviated ASTC, it is when chafing for a pair of underwear initially kicks in.