Whoa! I can’t believe I’m putting myself out here like this. I’ve never online dated, but I feel ready to get out there and meet someone and hopefully build something special.

Who am I looking for? I guess you could say I’m looking for my partner in crime, that special person who sees the world the way I do. And when I say partner in crime, it’s not a metaphor, I mean it romantically, but I also mean it literally.

I’m literally looking for someone to commit crimes with me. Murder, burglary, petty theft, armed assault, you name it.


Dear Joe,

Where’d you go? We went to bed together last Thursday and sometime in the middle of the night — poof! — you vanished and I woke up to a Jew in the bed, sleeping where you sleep.

Wherever you are, I want to let you know that I’m doing well, as are the kids, surprisingly, given that their father was replaced by Schmuel Rosenthal.

But truth be told, Schmuel’s transition into our lives has been rather seamless. …

Son, I know this is awkward, but I think it’s about time we had a talk. Yes, it’s the dreaded bird and bees talk. Look, I don’t need to know what you’ve done or not done already but I just want to take a moment and talk to you about love.

Back in 2016, when I was your age, learning about love and sex on the internet, like everybody my age did, it was a very different story. The internet videos we watched taught you how to treat a woman.

If you only remember one thing, remember this: Love is…

You work at an airport and notice the same person waiting in “arrivals” every week. Each time, they leave alone. One day you muster the courage to ask who they are waiting for.

I work in one of the least populated stores in the airport: the Ermenegildo Zegna men’s clothing store. If you’re not familiar with the brand, don’t shoot yourself. It’s not widely known unless you have money to burn. It’s an Italian luxury fashion men’s clothing brand. Why it’s in the airport I have no idea. We get zero business.

Turns out, no one goes to the airport…

We know how you think of us. We know what we’ve been to you and what we are. We’re here today to tell you we can be so much more for you. The Vaseline company is here today to tell you we are not just for anuses anymore.

We are here for so much more than merely your anus. But before we go further, make no mistake, we want to assure you we are still here for your anus. To make it smooth and gelatinous for the probing of a thermometer. To cure anal crust after a bad bout with…

Life is suffering so let’s not waste any time.

I want you to take your shirt off real slow, and I want you to think about the interconnectedness of everything while you do it. That’s it, real nice. Oh man, you have a really hot body. Granted, a body that’s a mere temporal mask for what eventually becomes bones and shit that rots in the ground, but still, look how hard you’re making me.

I want you to suck my dick, which is not separate from you. Life is an illusion. You have really nice tits. Oh, you like it…

My clients come in, they say they want to buy a house in the country. I ask them, “How many times do you think you’re going to go to this country house in a year?” They say maybe two three times. I say back, “No times. You’re never gonna go.”

They keep telling me they’ll go, they love the country, I say no you don’t, you’ll never go, save your money. They ask back “why won’t we go?” I say cause you won’t, it takes too long to get there, you don’t have the time.

They insist they have the…

Before we get started, have you been here before? Do you know how it works here?

OK, let me try and explain this. Everything we serve here is on the paper you hold in your hands, which we call the menu. Use this as your guide to order what you will be eating and drinking, what will comprise a meal, not to be confused with my name, Emile.

So you’ll have the food or “meal” you’re eating here tonight and then you’ll have me, E-mile, your waiter, helping you with everything, and whom of course you will not be eating…

People say when you know you know. And I stand here to tell you, the world, that I know. What do I know? I know that I am 100% completely in love with the next Bachelorette contestant, despite the fact that I have no idea who she is.

I fell in love with her the minute I heard that the next Bachelorette had been chosen and would air come the fall TV season. Truthfully, I fell in love with her even before that, when the last episode of the last season aired. …

So what did I do after college? I immediately went into finance. I was working next to guys who were making $5–10 million a year. And I wanted to be exactly like them. So I worked hard and started from the bottom.

At the beginning life was tough. I was only making about $40k/year. And struggling in Manhattan to make ends meet. But soon I started getting better, and I started making more money. And I started chasing that money. And the more I chased it was never enough. I could never have enough. …

Matt Hyams

Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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