Buddhist Dirty Talk

Matt Hyams
Apr 20, 2017 · 3 min read

Life is suffering so let’s not waste any time.

I want you to take your shirt off real slow, and I want you to think about the interconnectedness of everything while you do it. That’s it, real nice. Oh man, you have a really hot body. Granted, a body that’s a mere temporal mask for what eventually becomes bones and shit that rots in the ground, but still, look how hard you’re making me.

I want you to suck my dick, which is not separate from you. Life is an illusion. You have really nice tits. Oh, you like it rough. I get it. No problem. I’m gonna have to recite the mantra for the wrathful deity, Vajrakilaya, a hundred and eight times after I get through with you, you minx.

You are a dirty little girl. You like to tease, don’t you. Go ahead. Tease me. Tease me until I transcend desire. Tease me so I burst into an explosion of incandescent awareness. Then I’ll thrust inside of you and ravage you. What’s the sound of one hand slapping your juicy ass? Irrelevant, because tonight I’m using two hands.

I can’t take it. I neither want or not want to be inside of you so bad. And I want you to remember that I was your mother in a past life, and so was everyone else. Have compassion for all beings, you little whore.

I can feel your body pulsating. I want to put my tongue all over the composite you. And after you come all over me, ask yourself, “Where is the mind? Can you point to it? Where does it exist?”

Buddha said, “As a bee gathering nectar does not harm or disturb the color & fragrance of the flower; so do the wise move through the world” which is exactly how I’m going to move inside your pussy.

Slide your panties off and come straddle me. Slap me in the face. Make me your bitch, and surrender your ego at the same time. I had a vision last night that I was your goat in a past life and you were my owner. Any surprise we should find ourselves here once again?

The 11th century Bengali master, Atisha, said “The greatest effort is not concerned with results” but Atisha is going to have to forgive me tonight, because I am concerned with results — very concerned.

I’m going to fuck you in the space between thoughts, where true wisdom resides. And when I’m done you’re going to realize that friends, wealth, and possessions are like dreams. Now reveal that ass to me, so I can give myself to it totally and realize my true nature.


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Matt Hyams

Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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