Dear Consumers, We’re Not Just For Your Anus Anymore

Matt Hyams
Apr 20, 2017 · 2 min read

We know how you think of us. We know what we’ve been to you and what we are. We’re here today to tell you we can be so much more for you. The Vaseline company is here today to tell you we are not just for anuses anymore.

We are here for so much more than merely your anus. But before we go further, make no mistake, we want to assure you we are still here for your anus. To make it smooth and gelatinous for the probing of a thermometer. To cure anal crust after a bad bout with toilet paper. And we’re aware some of you use us for the bedroom. We’re here for that too.

But why stop there? After you’ve used it to cure your sore irritated rectum put it on your mouth when your lips are chapped. Vaseline does not spread infection so you are safe to use the same jar of jelly you used for your rectum on your mouth. Your lips will feel shiny and smooth, ready to greet the world.

Speaking of your mouth. Ever find that your teeth sticking to the inside of your lips in dry weather? In the same way it heals dry flaky skin in or around the anus you it can also prevent your teeth from sticking to your lips.

Once you’ve smoothed the edges of your irritated anus with it put it on your eyelids if they are dry. And put it under your eye too. If you’ve already got the jar out to cure the sore, rough skin around your anus why not take care of the dry skin around your eyes too?

GOOD NEWS ALERT: in the same way you can matte down the hair that grows around the perimeter of your rectum you can also tame your unruly eyebrow hairs with Vaseline. Define your eyelashes with some creamy vaseline to make them glow.

Thinking about using tanning lotion? If you’re going for that even full-body tan with no bikini lines don’t worry: we’re safe for your vagina too! Rub Vaseline on your vagina to ease any peeling and sore skin there. It’s only going to help. And then put it in your hair to help your dry scalp.

Look, we’re a 2 in 1 product. And we want you to get the full use of our jelly. Whether smoothing away the folds and wrinkles of your puckered anus hole or simply curing chapped lips Vaseline is there for you. And please, always be safe!

Sincerely,

The Vaseline Company


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