Dear Sephora Employees

Matt Hyams
Apr 29, 2016 · 3 min read

Dear Sephora Employees,

It has come to our attention that some of you aren’t wearing ALL of the make-up and perfume we offer on your face and body during your shifts.

This is very serious and violates Rule #1 in the Sephora Employee Rule Book, where it states:

Sephora employees must wear ALL of the make-up and perfume manufactured by Sephora on their face at all times when working in the store.

Our first question is of course, Why? What could possibly prompt you to skip a step?

Get this through the ten layers of foundation you should be wearing right this instant: if you have a problem wearing Camera Ready BB Cream, Naked Skin Weightless Ultra Definition Liquid Make-Up, Tinted Moisturizer Broad Spectrum, BareMinerals Complexion Rescue, Cover FX Custom Cover Drops, Ambient Lighting Powder and the rest of the 10,000 essential facial products all at once on your face then maybe this isn’t the right place for you to work.

Sorry to be harsh, but it’s not nearly as harsh as the lighting in the store that will shine on every one of your imperfections, which we aim to smooth over with layers upon layers of make-up, that is ultimately really good for you.

Think of yourselves not just as a salesperson but rather a canvas, a blank slate, a tabula rasa onto which gallons of Sephora make-up and perfume must be poured.

To give you an idea of how much make-up you should have on, if your own mother walked in you should have enough make up on that she could look you right in the face and ask where the “Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet” is without blinking an eye.

If you were to say “Mom, it’s me, your daughter” she would walk out of the store and wait until you were gone to go back in. That’s how much we’re talking about. Of course we want you to have a good relationship with your mother, but you can tell her that night on the phone that it was you in the store.

These things are easily fixable. What’s not fixable is the face you were born with.

Try to remember this on your way to work: nobody wants to see your actual face. The only thing that should be able to move on your face is your eyeballs, like in one of those Scooby Doo episodes where the bad guy is hiding behind the painting.

On a different note, we want to take a moment to applaud the Philadelphia store for rushing to the aid of a woman’s husband who was having a heart attack in the store.

From what we understand the man collapsed onto the floor grasping his chest. Someone yelled, “Call 911!” And then a Sephora employee in a white lab coat immediately rushed over to color his face in with powder and blush, which had grown ghastly pale during the heart attack.

That’s precisely why we wear these lab coats, people. We’re technicians. The hierarchy goes like this: doctors, then us. When there isn’t a doctor in the house, we’re next up, so you have to be prepared.

Stay strong out there! And keep putting make-up on anyone you can, as much as possible.

We love the you that you are when we can’t see you!

Best Regards,

The Sephora Group


If you like my writing (and even if you don’t) please click the heart below. I’d love to hear from you!

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram.

Matt Hyams

Written by

Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade