From Freud: My Oedipal Complex Theory is just a theory!

Matt Hyams
May 27, 2016 · 2 min read

Dear Patients,

It has come to my attention that many of you, motivated by my recent Oedipal Complex theory, have taken to having sexual relations with your respective mothers and fathers. Please, for the love of god and for the sake of my freedom to practice therapy in the United States, hear me now and hear me clearly: IT IS JUST A THEORY! I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. I’m not even sure it’s true. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a certain brilliance to it, I like the symmetry of it very much, but by no means did I mean for you to go and literally act on it.

You were supposed to resolve this complex in therapy, through exploring your memories and your childhood, not by going home and having sex with your 70 yr old poor mother or father. What must they have thought! A few of you wrote me letters that began “Dear Dr. Freud, I’m cured! Couldn’t have done it without you. Best wishes, xo.” I wish you had done this without me! I don’t want hugs and kisses from you, not after where your mouth has been.

One of you wrote me to say, “Dear Dr. Freud, How many times am I supposed to screw my mother before I feel better? 10? 12? 20? Can you just give me the number? Feeling terrible in Missouri, xo.”

Oy gevalt, what mishegoss! Have a little saykhel! For those of you out there considering having sex with your mother and father based on my Oedipus Complex THEORY, know that I am not condoning this act nor am I suggesting it. I was merely SUGGESTING that there could be this conflict of emotions in our beginning stages of life. Do you all take every THEORY you hear about literally? Don’t you know what a theory is?

For those of you who don’t know and might very well be having sex with your mother right now a theory is this:

an idea that is suggested or presented as possibly true but that is not known or proven to be true

Pay close attention to the words “suggested” and “possibly” and “not known” and “proven.” Don’t you know that nothing I say can be proven? I thought that was a given. I mean, on the one hand, definitely believe me, but on the other hand take it with a freakin grain of salt. It’s just a bunch of hok a chainik.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sigmund Freud


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Matt Hyams

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Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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