Hotel California Narrator Bores His Friend

Matt Hyams
May 2, 2016 · 4 min read

Narrator: Hey man, you’re never going to believe what happened to me last night. Crazy crazy story. So ok don’t ask me why, but I was on this dark desert highway, the cool wind was in my hair —

Friend: Is this going to take a long time? I’m kinda late for something.

Narrator: Just hold on, listen to this, it’s NUTS.

Friend: Ok, but leave out the poetic flourishes if you can. Last time you had me here for hours.

Narrator: Ok I’ll keep it brief. I was on this highway & I could smell warm colitas —

Friend: What’s a colita?

Narrator: I don’t know, that’s just the only way I can describe it, like this warm colita-ish smell. And up ahead in the distance I saw this shimmering light, right? My head grows heavy, my sight grows dim, I knew then and there I had to stop for the night.

Friend: That’s some light.

Narrator: Tell me about it. So then I saw her in the doorway —

Friend: Who? What doorway?

Narrator: Oh, sorry, I saw a doorway at this hotel. And there was a woman standing in it.

Friend: This is taking forever.

Narrator: Just be patient. Something really crazy happened to me. Right after I saw that woman I heard the mission bell.

Friend: What’s a mission bell?

Narrator: I don’t know, stop interrupting me, just suffice it to say I heard a mission bell and when I did I knew it was a mission bell.

Friend: Ok…

Narrator: And I was thinking to myself, this could be heaven or this could be hell.

Friend: A tad dramatic, no? Why would it be heaven or hell? Nothing even has happened yet, unless you’re leaving something out?

Narrator: Well it was dark and I had lost my bearings and that mission bell had just sounded and I don’t know what a mission bell is and that woman was in the doorway. Come on! Stop interrupting me.

Friend: Why were you on the highway again?

Narrator: Why I was on the highway is a whole other story and frankly I don’t want to get into it.

Friend: Why do I feel like that’s the story you should be telling?

Narrator: Look, you wanted me to keep it brief, so I’m trying. If I get into why I was on the highway I’ll never get through this. Anyway, where was I — oh right, that woman who was in the doorway? She lit a candle and —

Friend: The hotel didn’t have electricity???

Narrator: No.

Friend: Was it raining?

Narrator: No.

Friend: Was it a bed and breakfast?

Narrator: Not specifically, but it kinda had that feel I guess. So I’m walking with her down dark corridors by the light of this candle-

Friend: How much was the room?

Narrator: I don’t know, I didn’t ask. So this woman, she’s a piece of work. She’s got a Mercedes, she’s got a lot of boy toys who love to dance in this courtyard of the hotel, the dancing gets so feverish sometimes though, and here’s some crazy for you, some of the boys are dancing to remember and some are dancing to FORGET!

Friend: Forget what?

Narrator: Their MEMORIES.

Friend: Somewhere between you were stranded on a highway and the boys dance in the courtyard to forget their memories I lost interest.

Narrator: That’s not interesting to you? That they dance to forget?

Friend: Not in the slightest. I wish I knew why you were on that highway.

Narrator: Don’t worry yourself over the details, I myself was having trouble making sense of it all and figured I could use a drink. So I called up the captain and asked him to please bring me my wine —

Friend: Let me stop you right there.

Narrator: What?

Friend: Who’s “the captain?”

Narrator: He has all the wine at the hotel.

Friend: How did you know this?

Narrator: It’s hard to explain. When you enter this place you kind of just know you have to call the captain if you want any wine.

Friend: And you wanted wine?

Narrator: Desperately. I was feeling invigorated. He says to me, get this, he says “We haven’t had that spirit here since 1969” he says. Can you believe that? Since 1969 they haven’t that had that spirit there! And I brought it back! I mean, suddenly I feel like I’m in the right place at the right time, right where I’m supposed to be, like for the first time in my life everything is starting to come together —

Friend: Sounds like a crazy story, man, but I gotta run.

Narrator: But it gets better!

Friend: Just call me tomorrow.


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Matt Hyams

Written by

Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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