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I’m in love with the next Bachelorette, whoever she is

People say when you know you know. And I stand here to tell you, the world, that I know. What do I know? I know that I am 100% completely in love with the next Bachelorette contestant, despite the fact that I have no idea who she is.

I fell in love with her the minute I heard that the next Bachelorette had been chosen and would air come the fall TV season. Truthfully, I fell in love with her even before that, when the last episode of the last season aired. I had had a somewhat distant though stormy relationship with the Bachelorette of the last season, her being on TV in various locales around the world while I watched the show religiously week after week in my apartment, naked, my body completely shaven.

Around the last five minutes of the last season’s episode, when the winner proposed to the Bachelorette I could feel my love for the next bachelorette start to grow and blossom.

I had tried desperately to be a contestant on this past season (and every other season since I was 25 — I’m now 33) but hadn’t yet made the cut. That hasn’t stopped me from falling completely in love with every single season’s Bachelorette.

But there’s something different about this next Bachelorette from the others. I can’t quite put my finger on it. My critics are going to say it’s because I don’t know who she is or what she looks like, but that’s not it. I think I can’t put my finger on it because I haven’t known this feeling before so I can’t categorize it. This time it’s the real deal. It’s that special connection everyone always talks about. I can tell you it’s absolutely amazing when something feels this right. She and I, we just have this crazy connection, so much to talk about. I mean, she’s my best friend. I get to marry my best friend. I’m dying to know who you are!

But that’s not to say I regret the love I had for past Bachelorettes. I learned a lot from those relationships. They were right for me at that time in my life but we outgrew each other. I learned so much from them: how to love without expecting love in return, how not to possess someone, learning to set someone free, when to turn the TV off. That’s what I bring to this relationship.

I can’t wait to tell her parents, “I am head over heels in love with your daughter.” They’re of course going to want to know about me, how I’ll care for their precious daughter, what my plans are. I’ll assure them they have nothing to worry about. I am a successful pharmaceutical sales rep, I live in Texas, North Carolina, and Oregon, sometimes all at once, my jaw is strong, my hair is thick and gentile, and I spend 12–14 hours in the gym daily. What more could you ask for? Please tell me and I’ll do it!

I am assuming I get on this next season’s Bachelorette. I’ve certainly waited patiently and had my heart broken enough times for it to be my turn. Also it would be weird if someone else married my soul mate.

I’m just so glad I waited and didn’t rush into marriage or I would have missed out on ________, the love of my life.

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Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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