My unconscious gives the worst advice

Matt Hyams
May 16, 2016 · 3 min read

ME: So I’ve got a problem.

UNCONSCIOUS: You’re checking into a hotel with friends. You didn’t make a reservation and the only room available is $1800/night. You aren’t fazed by the price, but then you realize you know of free places to stay so why would you take this hotel room. You ask the clerk to void the charge but a lot of small receipts are printing out and he can’t seem to get to the next step where he could void it. His billing machinery is very outdated and while you can’t see anyone behind you it’s clear there’s a long line of people getting annoyed.

ME: No, that’s not my problem. If you could just listen for a second I’ll tell you what it is. You’re not the best listener.

UNCONSCIOUS: You’re late for a job interview and you have a child with you who may or not be yours, but you have a feeling it’s not, though the mother may want you to be? Anyway, you can’t believe you have this child with you when you’re late for a job interview.

ME: No, that’s not my problem either. You’re a terrible communicator. I never know what you’re talking about and I never feel like you hear me.

UNCONSCIOUS: Third grade teacher you were scared of.

ME: What?

UNCONSCIOUS: Naked in a high school room for a test you didn’t study for, in fact you haven’t been in school for weeks.

ME: I’m just gonna cut to the chase.

UNCONSCIOUS: You’re walking, you’re running, you’re flying.

ME: I wish I was flying. That would help me with my current problem.

UNCONSCIOUS: You’re making out with a woman and she has enormous breasts. One of her breasts, turns out, is shaped like a big penis.

ME: Look, I’m not gonna say that everything you’re telling me isn’t a problem I have in some way, but that’s not the problem at hand. The problem at hand is this —

UNCONSCIOUS: Bombs going off everywhere. “Is this the end of the world?” you’re thinking. You know you’re not gonna get hit if you keep running and ducking but so this is what war is like.

ME: I have a schedule conflict. Are you good with schedule conflicts?

UNCONSCIOUS: It’s the house you grew up in but also not, it’s like it feels like it is but it doesn’t quite look like it. In any case, it is. For the most part. Who knows what this house is.

ME: If I cancel on either person it’s going to cause offense and I can’t figure out which is more important. Help!

UNCONSCIOUS: You and this beautiful woman are in love, this is the best life has ever felt for you. She won’t ever have sex with you but she’s so beautiful you don’t necessarily care and you’re thinking, “Maybe this is what love is?”

ME: So I should cancel on the guy then.

UNCONSCIOUS: You’re having a sexual relationship with your mother, something about it doesn’t feel right, you kind of can’t believe it’s happening, you don’t want it to. It’s gonna happen.

ME: Kind of makes my schedule conflict look small.

UNCONSCIOUS: Huge hard penises everywhere.

ME: I’m sorry?

UNCONSCIOUS: Something something, person you can’t remember the name of, a place, weirdness, something, feelings of residual anxiety.

ME: So what you’re saying is don’t worry about my schedule because I am caught in the past and my sexuality is at stake.

UNCONSCIOUS: Staircase, 7–11, the beach.


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Matt Hyams

Written by

Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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