The Birds n the Bees Talk in 2050

Matt Hyams
Aug 25, 2017 · 4 min read

Son, I know this is awkward, but I think it’s about time we had a talk. Yes, it’s the dreaded bird and bees talk. Look, I don’t need to know what you’ve done or not done already but I just want to take a moment and talk to you about love.

Back in 2016, when I was your age, learning about love and sex on the internet, like everybody my age did, it was a very different story. The internet videos we watched taught you how to treat a woman.

If you only remember one thing, remember this: Love is special and because it’s special you’re going to know it when you find it. How will you know what it looks like you might be asking? Well, I can only tell you what it looked like for me when I was your age.

If memory serves, love is when a man finds a worthless, cum-drinking whore, puts her on her head, and jackhammers her until she pukes. That’s what I want for you. That’s how your mother and I met. That’s what lovewas back in good ol’ 2016, that’s what the videos we watched taught us, not like this horror show you have today.

I remember the day I met your mother like it was yesterday. She was sitting by herself reading a magazine in a nondescript living room filled with rented furniture. I walked into her house, grabbed her, and shoved my cock into her mouth. I did not let up until she was gagging and puking a little bit. We didn’t speak a word to each other. Didn’t have to. Because there was that connection.

Here, finally, was someone with whom I could have a family. I’m going to spare you the lovey dovey details, but suffice it to say I jackhammered her that day as hard as I could and I also put it in her anus.

Now, mind you, we had not formally introduced ourselves to each other, but there was that unspoken bond of love I’ve been trying to tell you about. When your mother saw how big and hard my cock was she became very subservient and let me do whatever I wanted. I said very rude things to her that day, because our guards and defenses were down.

I’m worried you might get the wrong idea about the images you see today and mistake something else for true love. I see a lot of consensual murder happening with your generation, and I don’t think that’s true love. Skull fucking is not love. Necrophilia is not love, not in the way your generation is doing it anyway. No respect for the dead.

I want you to treat girls with respect, honor them. When you like someone, don’t be afraid to walk up to them with your video camera and offer her money to have sex with you in a nearby Czechoslovakian forest or abandoned train yard. She might at first act shy but that’s a game she’s playing. All whores play that game. They all want money, whether to pay their rent or buy new shoes. That’s the secret.

Or better yet, you and some of your buddies can buy a van and cruise around town. When you see someone you’d like to have sex with tell them you’re making a documentary. Don’t worry about what the documentary’s about, it’s just a ruse to coerce them into having sex with one of you for money. While she’s having sex with one of you in the van that’s the time for the rest of you to howl degradingly — but also respectfully, let me make that clear — at the girl.

There are so many ways to find love without stooping to some disgraceful level that I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. And by the way I know you don’t have a van and we’re not going to get you one any time soon, we don’t feel comfortable with you driving alone yet, but because we love you and we want you to be careful we’ve rented you a generic office where you can hold fake casting sessions.

You’ll have a black leather couch and a desk with no phone. We placed an ad for you in the paper asking for girl-next-door types. All you have to do is tell the girl that if she wants to get the job she has to have sex with you first. And there’s no job of course. But that won’t matter once she’s staring into the camera, second-guessing her choices.

You are going to wear nice slacks, a nice shirt and most importantly a nice watch. It’s important to be wearing a nice watch when you are grabbing her, if you’re serious about finding “the one” that is.

All I ask is that you act responsibly and remember to cum on her whore face.


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Matt Hyams

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Comedian, writer, housewife, deemed "Really Good Person" by Buddhism Magazine 2 wks in a row.

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