Looking For A Partner In Crime
Whoa! I can’t believe I’m putting myself out here like this. I’ve never online dated, but I feel ready to get out there and meet someone and hopefully build something special.
Who am I looking for? I guess you could say I’m looking for my partner in crime, that special person who sees the world the way I do. And when I say partner in crime, it’s not a metaphor, I mean it romantically, but I also mean it literally.
I’m literally looking for someone to commit crimes with me. Murder, burglary, petty theft, armed assault, you name it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m just like most young adults starting their life in the big city. I want someone to read the New York Times with me on Sunday mornings, finish the crossword puzzle together over a cup of coffee, and hold hands while we bludgeon a poor store clerk’s head open and steal the cash in the register.
I’m super motivated and you should be too! I love my job! By day, I sell Canadian drugs via email spam and create virus software for the Chinese and Russians. At night I like to let my hair down and spread real viruses to people with needles I poke them with as I pass them. I’ve set my life up just the way I want, and now I just need a partner in crime to complete the picture.
I’m a recent transplant to the city and I love everything the city has to offer. I love to get lost, exploring new nooks and crannies, while keying cars, kicking unchaperoned kids in the head, robbing old ladies, and vandalizing homes by painting hate slogans on the doors, often with my own feces.
I would love someone to travel with! I love seeing new parts of the world, tasting exotic foods, experiencing new cultures, and it’s so much easier to remorselessly kill on foreign land. Whenever I’m in a new country I never feel like I’m dealing with “real people” y’know? They’re like toy people with Monopoly money I get to practice brutally murdering, raping, and robbing if I need petty cash. Bonus when you date me: I have a fake his & her passport for every country!
But you have to get to know me first! I’m not a wham bam thank you ma’am type of gal, unless the whamming and bamming is smashing someone’s brains in.
My favorite books are “Lovely Bones,” “American Psycho” and of course the Harry Potter series — I’m such a nerd! I have eclectic musical tastes too. Basically, if it has a good beat, I’ll take it. I like everything from Drake to Radiohead to Cannibal Corpse.
But let’s get one thing straight. You will have to love my dog, that’s a prerequisite, and I don’t see how you won’t. Booboo is an untrained Rottweiler I tie to a fence in a nearby junkyard with an unforgiving metal chain. He’s the sweetest. You’ll fall in love with him as soon as you see him tear out someone’s neck veins. I hope you don’t mind an “unofficial” third partner!
My friends and family — at least the ones who I haven’t stolen from, stabbed, or who have bailed me out of jail — would describe me as kind, caring, compassionate, adventurous and funny. And speaking of funny, major points if you can make me laugh! I love to laugh. Laughter is so important and I can’t live without it. I’d love to find someone I can laugh with while kidnapping a child or lighting someone’s house on fire.
Though I put on a tough face (you have to in my line of work! Russians aren’t the easiest people), I’m really just a girl at heart who is looking for a sweet guy who likes the simple things in life: walks, sunsets, a nice dinner, some wine, good conversation and a little identity theft.
Is this you?