Looking for win-win situations in relationships

Mattis S.F.
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read

My story starts with two tired parents, two twins that are soon two years old and one calendar slipping and sliding into one heck of a fight.


I am not sure if this is a common theme in relationships, but over time my calendar filled up with stuff I had said “yes” to without paying attention to the bigger picture.

Usually my plans are like a calm ocean where the waves are distributed evenly across the year. Maybe a couple things happening each month.

But for some reason, everything came crashing together in September — October this year.

Like a freak superwave, the coming months looked like President Trump's Mar-a-Lago visits: I was doing something every single weekend!

And then, just to top it all off, I was asked at work to travel overseas for ten consecutive days.

My girlfriend checked up on the calendar and noticed the absolute trainwreck we were entering into.

Writing this, I feel a bit stupid. The logical thing would have been to cut back on my plans to create fairness between us.

But of course I didn't do that. Because I can be a child. And I really wanted to do those things I had planned…

So instead of doing the sensible thing, I assumed an emotional and defensive position and tried all manners of excuses for why we shared responsibility of this mess.

Anyway, we went through a big fight, comparing everything we do for each other all the way from changing tires on the car and down to who carries out the trash the most.

Very constructive for our relationship!

In the end I became sensible and we cut back on my plans.

But even though the calendar was back in balance for the small stuff, the ten day trip still left a sour feeling. I had a bad conscience for leaving her for so long with the kids, and she was really not looking forward to this extended period.

In my opinion this is a lose-lose situation where we both ended up with negative emotions. I had to drop my plans and she had to take the unpopular stance of saying “no”.

Turning it around

At work I use much of my time negotiating with other companies. One of the philosophies is to look for win-win situations for both parties. If we can help the other company in any way, we are more likely to get a better price or more for the same amount. Both parties get a feeling of value.

To turn the ten day trip into a positive, what we ended up doing was a trade between ourselves.

My ten day work trip has been traded with a one week vacation for my girlfriend and her mom to Spain. Not a completely fair trade, but a much better situation than before.

I can now travel with a clean conscience, she can see me off with a smile and look forward to a vacation!

This arrangement works splendidly for us, and we have agreed to look for these kinds of win-win situations in the future.

Thanks for reading!

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