Preparing America for Trump’s Big Trip

Let’s face it — most of us simply don’t have the endurance to keep up with the pace of news in the Trump Era (where “era” refers to a period of time that is not to exceed 250 days). Just yesterday, the Washington Post had a piece that outlined six headlines that ran in a single 12 hour period…

  • Justice Department to appoint a special prosecutor
  • House majority leader told colleagues that “Putin pays Trump”
  • Flynn stopped military plan that Turkey opposed — after being paid as its agent
  • Trump team knew Flynn was under investigation before he came to White House
  • Israeli Source Seen as Key to Countering Islamic State Threat
  • Trump campaign had at least 18 undisclosed contacts with Russians

Who can cope with this stuff? I mean, we all know the jokes about local news being so dull that it reports on cats stuck in trees, but right now, I’d love a story about a cat in a tree.

Scientific studies have shown that the human organism can assimilate a news release like “Trump leaks secrets to Russians” or “Trump asked Comey to drop Flynn investigation” every 30 days. If the bombshells arrive any more frequently, our only coping mechanisms are prayer, meditation or the consumption of substances that will soon be available solely to Jeff Sessions. This situation is unsustainable — we must find some way to protect our sanity until Trump resigns later this summer.

To smooth out the emotional rollercoaster ride, I’ve worked with my many (non-existent) friends in the media to get an advanced look at the biggest headlines from Trump’s upcoming trip overseas. If you start preparing now, you just might be able to avoid lasting trauma or, even worse, a growing affinity for Fox News.

Consider reading a few headlines, watch 3–5 minutes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians to calm (shut down) the mind, then read a few more. Repeat the process, being careful to proceed with your mental health in mind.

Upcoming Headlines From Trump’s Trip

Saturday, May 20 — Riyadh

Trump Baffles King Salman With Odd Claim that “If We Combine Your Family Busines and Trump Steaks, We’ll Have the Best Surf and Turf on the Planet”

Trump Suggests that Saudi Arabia Build a Wall To Keep Out Mexicans

At Saudi Official Dinner, Trump Asks If the Queen is Wearing “Something Slutty” Under Her Burqa

Sunday, May 21 — Riyadh

Trump Insists Muslim Leaders “Remove Their Gucci Suicide Vests” Before Entering Auditorium

Trump Suggests Islam Can Thrive By Being “Christian Like Mike Pence”

Woman Traveling With Trump, Hidden in Niqab, Revealed to be Mike Flynn

Monday, May 22 — Jerusalem

Trump Compares His Treatment by US Media to Holocaust. “The Only Difference Is That I’m Getting Killed Every Day”, Trump Says

At Private Dinner With Netanyahu and His Wife, Trump Claims That Best Knishes Are From Trump Tower

After Dinner With Netanyahu, Trump Predicts “Peace in the Middle East by 3 pm Tomorrow”

Tuesday, May 23 — Jerusalem

Trump Refuses to Meet with Palestinian President Abbas Threatening “I’ll Meet with Arafat Or No One!”

Trump Praises Abbas Saying “Manolo Has Long Been a Great Friend to Me and America”

At Western Wall, Trump Says He “Hasn’t Seen So Many Guys with Those Little Curls Since I Pawned Marla’s Wedding Ring On 47th Street”

Trump Claims that “People Are Saying This Has Been the Most Peaceful Day in Israel Since 1930”

Trump Collapses After Holding His Breath While Insisting that Air Force One Return to DC for the Night

Wednesday, May 24 — Rome

Trump Asks Pope To Use His Powers to End the “Witch Hunt” that Threatens His Presidency

Trump Rejects Pope’s Proposal for Trump Hotel Adjacent to St. Peters. “I Gave Up Billions to Focus on Saving America”, Trump Says

St. Peters Lacks “High End Finishes Currently Available At Attractive Prices at Trump Grande, Sunny Isles”, According to Trump

Trump Claims Best Cacio e Pepe is at Trump Tower

Trump Disappears for 4 Hours, Tracked Down at Airport Attempting to Buy Ticket to NYC Using “Royal Presidential Credit”

Thursday, May 25 — Belgium

Trump Praises King Philippe of Belgium, Saying “Belgium is a Great City and Philippe’s Got A Real Crown. So Classy!”

Trump Refuses to Visit EU Headquarters Until They “Pay What They Owe Us”

Trump Accepts Check for 1 Trillion Lira at EU Headquarters. “No President Has Ever Negotiated a Larger Payment in US History”, Trump Boasts

At NATO Memorial, President Trump Tweets “My Mexican wall is so much better than Berlin Wall. Germans should have hired me!”

Trump Cancels Trip, Rushes to DC to Manage Threat on His Family from John Baron

Friday, May 26 — DC

Trump Tweets “John Baron is smart guy but I will beat him. I always do”

John Baron Unmasked: Trump’s Secret Identity Since 80’s

Trump Starts Weekend Early at Mar-a-Lago After “Best Presidential Trip Since Washington Visited Japan”