Brexit: an unhappy breakup?

Michael Gove has sparked fresh controversy within the Conserative party by admitting he and former Brexit ally have fallen out for real.

Speaking yesterday evening from his parliamentary constituency of Surrey Heath, Gove said, “While I am in no doubt h-whatsoever that the public have not believed a word of my alleged backstabbing of my former colleague of the Leave Campaign and know full well that I only put myself forward for the Highest Office in this country because I felt no one else could do it…ahem…would do it, I regret to announce that rumours of our falling out are sadly true.”

The incident was sparked late yesterday afternoon while the former Secretary for Education and the current Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs were in detention.

When contacted for comment, Mr Johnson said he was “not talking to Michael any more” but sent a message through Louise Watkins of Year 9, saying:

“He started it. I was just sitting in detention minding my own business when Govey told me I was a ‘very silly boy’ and didn’t want to be my friend any more. I simply replied that he’d never been my friend in the first place and that’s when he went mad, spouting all kinds of abuse and drivel through that demented rubber face of his.”

This morning, Gove was keen to present his own version of events and sent this message back to Mr Johnson through Ms Watkins (who is now hotly tipped to become the next Secretary of State for Northern Ireland).

“As is well documented, Boris and I had been working together on an important extra curricular project, the success of which has brought significant recognition to the school from around the globe.

“I was in charge of writing all the speeches to ensure proper use of the conjunctive and Boris’s job was to deliver them.

“However, I noticed that every time he delivered one of my speeches, most of the paragraphs had been significantly altered, to the extent that they were being marred by his clownish sense of humour.

“I told Boris that I wanted to be the face of our project instead and that’s when he started laughing.”

Sources close to Mr Johnson suggest that Gove’s revelations have been prompted out of jealousy. Rupert StJohn-Smythe, a frequent drinking companion of the Former London Mayor, said:

“Govey’s always had a very pronounced sense of entitlement and while he still has access to the Common Room I’m pretty sure he sees his dismissal from, and Boris’s induction into, May’s circle of Senior Prefects, as an unforgivable sleight on his character.”

Recent activity on social media from the Rt. Hon. Michael Gove certainly adds weight to StJohn-Smythe’s view. A post less than an hour ago from Gove’s Twitter account simply stated, “I of course wish the mop-haired clown continued success in his role.”

Asked about the latest incident, former Head Prefect Davy Cameron was typically dismissive of its significance, commenting:

“Thankfully our peers from the local comprehensive who’d usually give us a run for our money in the regional debating competition have been off their game. For the last year they’ve essentially been fielding a team of one, a well-meaning but quiet boy called Jeremy who none of his peers actually want to team up with.

“This has given us a window of opportunity to introduce some of our edgier ideas with seemingly little opposition.

“This minor tiff within my own party is rather trivial in comparison, so I doubt it will make a pig’s snout of a difference.

“However, I am confident that Head Prefect May will not tolerate petty squabbles and will deliver a suitable punishment. We may need to request the services of the Chief Whip, if you understand me?”

Chief Prefect Teresa May was allegedly at a lunchtime club aiming to improve community behaviour by moving forward on plans to call for the expulsion of several new students on the grounds of their failing to grasp the finer details of Latin declension, and so was unavailable for comment.

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