I’ve never understood how me and that pathetic loser of a brother I’ve got could actually be related.

He’s always been like some complete saddo who’s never had any friends and never finds anything funny, and like, I’m the total opposite. Proper loads o’ mates, me. If I wanted to and if I didn’t have so much shitty homework every bloody night I could hang out with a different person every night of the week and have a blast every single time.

But one conversation with Ben, which is more like a monologue cos you’re doing most of the talking, and you’re so bored you’ve fallen asleep in about ten seconds.

Seriously, I think he must have been adopted or summat, or maybe me mom shagged the next door neighbour. I did ask her once and for once I actually made her react, her eyes almost seemed fixed on me for a change, even though they were wobbling all around like usual, and she even tried to clear her throat to say something before deciding it was too much effort.

She’s got MS, see. When God was pissing around allocating major illnesses to new foetuses he thought he’d give my mum a sclerosis or four. Not one sclerosis – multiple fucking sclerosises. Wanker.

And because our dad fucked off as soon as mum’s MS started getting majorly bad when she was pregnant with Ben, we’re the ones who’ve got to look after her instead of getting on with enjoying our lives.

I say ‘we’ – the reality is that recently I’ve been doing sod all for mum and my little goody two shoes of a brother has done it all instead. It’s fair enough, I reckon – she does sod all for me, and he was the little scrote whose imminent arrival got us all into this mess.

You probably think I’m being a bit of a dirty mouthed cow doing all this bitching about my family. I’m just trying to set the scene so you know just how completely different Ben and me are. Miss Ford my English teacher would probably say it’s an example of ‘juxtaposition’ and even though I hate Miss Ford’s guts I’d have to agree with her on the most part: I’m popular, Ben’s not. I’m a selfish bitch, Ben is a saint.

But at least I’m able to speak my mind. That’s the one thing I have on Ben.

When all’s said and done, he’s just a lying coward.