Three things that will win at Cannes.
Rock-solid predictions for what the advertising world will be toasting at the annual festival of creativity.
This Sunday, over 12,000 creative professionals from 94 countries will swarm across the Côte d’Azur to discuss the year’s best work, usually while slurring and mispronouncing important French phrases like “Côte d’Azur.”
This year, there are over 37,000 entries in Cannes’ lineup of award shows. Nobody could see all that work. It’s hard enough sorting through the thousands of gorgeous, lavishly-produced double-page print campaigns for Legos.
So I’ve gone through the entries for you and reduced it down to these three guaranteed winners. My predictions are based on experience, past performance, as well as chats on the latest technology trends with that digital guy down on six— you know the one, Google Glasses? With the beard? Vaguely dutch accent? Yeah that guy. We came up with this:
The three things that will definitely (probably) win at Cannes in 2014.
1. YOUR OLD PARTNER
Hey isn’t that your old partner? They’re gonna win at Cannes.
Which is weird because you didn’t think he or she was all that great. Knew you could probably do better if you started connecting with that freelancer / creative technologist guy. I mean, your old partner was fun to hang out with, but their ideas were just you know, meh.
Wow, good for him or her. They look happy. Who’s he talking to? Is that Topher Grace? Weird. Should walk over and say congrats, see if they want to meet for a beer in New York. Or maybe I’ll just text them. Whatever. They’re so stuck up now.
2. YOUR IDEA FROM THREE YEARS AGO
Oh my god, that was totally your idea! Like three years ago! 3D prosthetic printing for bomb victims? Presented it to Clorox in 2009— totally didn’t get it.
Oh, and Jean Claude Van DAMMIT! You’ve been trying to sell that guy for YEARS. You totally had that idea too!
And it was gonna be more than a dumb web video— believe it. Dude, check it out. You were gonna put Jean Claude Van Damm in the middle of Times Square. On New Year’s Eve. And have him swallow a live grenade that just landed in front of a live crowd. And it was going to be real. Not to mention awesome and amazing and weirdly emotional because all those people were about to die, but Jean-Claude totally saved them from certain death. I mean, how many brands can say they save lives? Fucking Clorox could have— if they weren’t so scared.
Yeah, you had this idea YEARS ago. It’s going to win at Cannes.
3. CANNES
Cannes is going win at Cannes.
They won’t win any cool lion trophies, or get called up on stage for a halfhearted round of applause. Nor will they have the hottest, most creatively groundbreaking-ist case study that everyone in industry will drool over for like five seconds before completely forgetting about it forever.
But still, Cannes will win Cannes. Because Cannes is winning at the things that count. Namely, counting your money.
Cannes is going to charge you 40.00 Euros for a glass of Rose that’s gonna show up at room temperature if it shows up at all.
Cannes will beat you up, leave you broke and bloody, and still make you brag to everyone within earshot how uh-mazing it is and how luh-cky you are to be there. (Which by law must be followed up with a few choice complaints about the tedium and misery of spending a week in the Côte d’Azur on an expense account. It’s relentless. Exhausting. Definitely not what it used to be!)
That’s okay. Say what you want.
Cannes will win anyway.
Because Cannes is a Lannister. You are a Stark.
And they won’t just win ‘cuz of the money. Cannes wins Cannes because when this week is over, they get to live in Cannes. They get to live and work in the South of France all year long, 51 weeks of which are blessedly free of ad people. We have to live in Midtown where it’s always Midtown, even when it’s nice out.
So sign the check please, sir or madame. Gratuity is already included. Actually they went ahead and took 20% of your 401(k) and distributed it the waitstaff and bartenders earlier this evening. But additional tip is encouraged for excellent service.
And remember, lots of things will win at Cannes in 2014. But none of them will win Cannes like Cannes will win Cannes. In this year and all the years (or at least until the inevitable consumer revolt of 2021. But that’s a prediction for another time.)
MATT MACDONALD IS AN EXECUTIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR AT BBDO IN NEW YORK, A FINE COMPANY WHO MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT AGREE WITH ANY OF THE ABOVE. MATT IS JUST KIDDING. CANNES REALLY IS LOVELY AND AMAZING AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO. JUST NOT NEXT WEEK.
