It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

HO HO HO! Guess who motherfuckers — it’s Christmas! You’ve just entered the most wonderful time of year whether you like it or not. Jews, Muslims, Hindu’s, Buddists — BUCKLE THE FUCK UP cuz you’re comin too.

Oh you still wanna give thanks? With your little turkey and stuffing? YOU HAD YOUR FUCKING MEAL — it’s time to Christmas up this bitch! I’m bringing trees inside, putting lights outside, hanging socks on fireplaces, setting up cute little train sets, choirs — I’m having some choirs sing some shit. And BELLS. I want a goddamn sleigh bell jingling on every door, in every store, and at every street corner. And for fuck sake DO NOT update that Christmas playlist we nailed in 1954…with the exception of All I Want for Christmas Is You and the Michael Buble version of everything because that angel-voice is pulsing with the Christmas spirit.

Let’s look in your kitchen. See all your beige plates and non-decorative mugs? NOW SMASH EM ON THE FUCKING GROUND AND GET SOME CHRISTMAS KITCHENWARE FUCKHEAD!

And when you speak, I want you to put a “Christmas” in front of everything. That new sweater? It’s a Christmas sweater. That cookie is a Christmas cookie. And any shopping from here on out is Christmas shopping for Christmas presents to put under Christmas trees that you better decorate in Christmas lights while watching Christmas movies or listening to Christmas music. Wanna take a picture? That’s your Christmas picture. And get words like “yuletide,” “twas,” “holly jolly” and “manger” into your vo-cab, pron-to. And don’t think for a second you can escape it. CHRISTMAS IS IN THE AIR.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

You bet your little-town-of-Bethlehem it is. And the weary world is rejoicing.

FA La-la-la-la,

LA-LA,

LA.

LA.