Why You Were Killed & Not Fucked or Married

As you’re most likely unaware, your name and the names of two of your co-workers were recently put forth before a committee in which each member decided who they would fuck, who they would marry, and who they would kill. Your personality, physical attributes and many intangible qualities were carefully considered. And it is with great regret that I tell you that every member of the review committee concluded that you had to die.

Now, I wish I could say this wasn’t personal. What I can say is that this was a competitive round. Top talent from around the office. In fact, there was a lengthy, animated, and fairly revealing discussion during your review. Frankly, I learned a lot about our colleagues today. Yet at the conclusion, it was revealed that most of your friends wouldn’t fuck you to save your life.

I know, I know.

But I want you to think of this as a good thing.

You see, there’s a common misconception about being placed in the fuck category. Most think this would be flattering. The truth, however, is that the candidates placed in this category are the ones who lack depth. They have what we call “fuck appeal.” Their fuck appeal may come in the form of good looks, a great sense of humor, or maybe they have an alluring, one-night-standness about them. Whatever the case, they only have one redeeming quality and the reviewers want to redeem it in the form of a fuck. Think of those placed in this category as a new version of Mountain Dew that you would love to try but would never buy.

There are, of course, exceptions. Sometimes it’s simply a case of, “If I had to fuck one of them…,” but let’s not get into that. Those are dark reviews held by twisted selection committees.

That brings us to the category of marriage. Now, I imagine it comes as a surprise that you weren’t placed here. Your classic marriage material: not bad looking and not bad to be around. The type parents want to meet at Thanksgiving. Surely it wouldn’t be too terrible to hold and to cherish you for the rest of one’s life. So let’s review why no one wanted to.

When members of the review committee consider this category, they approach the decision through one of two avenues. The classic approach considers traditional values — things like personality and where and how often their interests overlap. What reviewers are looking for is someone who’s “endure-able.” Someone with whom they could share an easy, comfortable and loveless union. This is how most marriages are decided, which is why I thought you’d snatch up this category.

Unfortunately, you fell victim to circumstance.

You see, on rare occasions the review committee is presented a candidate that transcends categories. These extraordinary individuals possess such an overwhelming degree of fuck appeal — whether it’s through something like looks or wealth — that reviewers can’t help but overlook the candidate’s personality, interests, moral compass, aspirations, even their general opinion about this person in lieu of being able to fuck him or her until death do them part.

And this is what you were up against. It was the last candidate added to the pool and, well, they were a game changer. Up to that point the entire committee had accepted spending the rest of their lives with you. Yet the name was called and, as you must realize, the most endure-able often have the least fuck appeal.

As for how members of the review committee decided who they would kill, well, someone had to die.