We all thought it would be great to go camping with our friends, even if it is the first time. When do things ever go wrong the first time? Here’s some ideas for your first group camping trip!

Have group sex for the first time! Sure, you’re still a virgin, but you can’t wait forever. You have to lose it sometime. I suggest initiating by sticking marshmallows between your toes, cooking them, and asking someone to suck them out.

Here’s another idea: Build your first outhouse. No one wants to go in a hole, and everyone loves privacy. Just take some lumber from the old cabin you found that surely no one lives in. Don’t worry about your leaf identification book you left at home either, you can use any old greenery for wiping. Even if it is poison, a rash won’t form until you get home anyways where you can use your hot shower head to provide relief.

Back to the group sex, now that you have initiated it’s probably best to howl like a wolf so that it may attract a local pack. Now that you’re having your first deviant adventure, you may as well get in touch with your wild side. Some of your friends may also enjoy the scratching and biting the wolves provide.

Something else you could try is getting that old hammock that you bought at Kmart up. National retail chain quality hammocks are the best and cheapest, it is just netting after all. Make sure you test it by loading it with all the rocks you can find in the area. You wouldn’t want anyone falling into the thorn bush you build it over.

Again, the group sex. Now that all the men are pitching tents and the women are fishing by the river, it’s time to bring this memorable night to a literal climax. The wolves may getting a bit rowdy at this point, so I suggest everyone jumping in the hammock and throwing any food you brought into the woods to wane their interest of you as they go chasing it. Now that you’re all together in a pile, it’s probably best to lay in a ladder formation, which I understand is the best finishing move in group situations.

You’ve probably all fallen asleep together in the hammock, which is a great and intimate way to build your friendships. Once you’re awake from the hammock snapping and falling into the thorn bush below, it’s time to clean up. Nature was your host, so don’t be rude and get everything. Pee out the fire, leave the outhouse for future campers, and leave nothing behind.

One you make your hike back to your cars with your longtime friends, jump into your old station wagon, turn on the radio, wait for everyone to leave first, and promptly delete them from your phone. That was probably a mistake.