Jesus and mate — circa 1979 on set

Bogan Bible: Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand

Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias) on his jet ski, 2 and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the signs he had performed by healing the sick and transforming the water into goon. 3 Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with his mates. 4 The Jewish Passout Festival was near.

5 When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Phil, known as ‘Phazza’ to his mates, “What are we gonna feed all these peeps? I left my wallet at home, plus I dunno if Dominos deliver out here.” 6 He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.

7 Phazza answered him, “It would take a bloody lot to buy enough pizza for each to have one slice. Plus, people will want ham and pineapple and I sure as Hell don’t.”

8 Another of his mates, Andrew, known as ‘Toots,’ spoke up, 9 “Oi, I found a bloke with some KFC. But it won’t get us far. It’s only some chips, mash and gravy plus some popcorn chicken.”

10 “Shotgun the popcorn chicken,” said Peter (‘Peteos’), another of Jesus’ mates.

11 Jesus said, “Tell them mofo’s to sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand people were there). 12 Jesus then took the chips, mash and gravy, gave thanks to the Colonel, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the popcorn chicken.

13 When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his mates, “Grab the food that’s left. Don’t scoff it all down — that’d be bad banter.” 14 So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of popcorn chicken, chips, mash and gravy left over by those who had had a feed.

15 After the people saw the sign Jesus performed, they began to say, “What a legend. I was pretty hunger. I wonder if he’s some like magic dude, or something.”

Bogan Bible is a series by Matt Querzoli, wanting to make fun about the most serious topic of all — religion. This section used the New International Version.

Like the bloke.

Follow the bloke.

Be the bloke.