Seeing as re-litigating events is a favourite past-time of ours, let’s play the election blame game! As in, let’s assign random — err, I mean, highly scientific — scores to each person/group/team/idiot responsible for the election of Cheeto Jesus. Leave the tough questions like how to move forward from this election for smarter people, we’re all about hindsight over here!
A few ground-rules to go over first: 1) Blame overlapping is allowed, which means that if you’re white and male you may be separately assigned blame for being white and being male; 2) Donald Trump cannot be blamed. He’s the result, not the cause; 3) Mike Pence cannot be blamed. The scope of this exercise is limited to human beings with feelings and personality; and 4) All the scores must add up to 100%. This is not Trump University, we use normal, academically accredited math here.
We good? Good! Let’s get going.
The electoral college — 3% of blame
This seems like a good place to start. After all, in case you hadn’t heard, Trump didn’t actually win the most votes. My understanding of the history of the electoral college is limited to a viral post I read on Facebook the other day, but from what I gather it exists to prevent tyrants from becoming President. The electoral college places a buffer between the citizens who vote and the final electoral vote. As such, the 538 electoral college members function as a check of sorts on U.S. citizens. Of course, they’ve always just gone along with whatever the people decide because the people haven’t voted for a tyrant before. Well, electoral college, now is your time to shine! (We know you won’t which is why your meaningless existence earns you 3%).
Non-voters — 32% of blame
Trump is President even though only a quarter of the country wanted him to be. Trump is President despite having a favourability rating in the 30s. Trump is President because people decided that binge-watching Black Mirror was more important than voting. Good job non-voters, hope your protest non-vote was worth it and made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Democratic Party — 4% of blame
You’d think they would be at 100% the way some are villifying them. But we’ll give them 4% for their arrogance of assuming the midwest was impenetrable, and for their failure to encourage a more open primary with stronger candidates. Don’t pick a candidate just because they’re due, pick the one that’s best suited for the moment.
Hillary Clinton — 3% of blame
When your friend and current President is passively-aggresively calling you out for not trying hard enough during the campaign, you know you deserve some blame. Maybe if she spent a little more time stumping in the midwest and a crafting a more articulate economic message she wouldn’t have lost all those Obama voters from Pennsylvania to Iowa.
Republican Party — 14% of blame
But let’s not forget which side actually supported the guy! I mean, where to begin with this clusterfuck of a party? One piece of advice: Don’t expect Republican politicians in Congress to suddenly grow a spine and hold Trump accountable. They’ve had over a year to defend their values and go after Orange Vader, and none but a few actually did. The GOP and Donald deserve each other.
Reince Preibus/Paul Ryan/Mitch McConnell— 1% of blame
Reince because of his name. Ryan because of his cowardice. McConnell because of his carelessness. These three collectively represent the GOP leadership of the past few years. All three stood by and watched the Tangerine Tornado hijack the party from underneath them, and now all three are reaping the benefits of a Republican electoral sweep. Life’s not fair.
The media — 16% of blame
A personal pet-peeve of mine, I won’t get into it here. Just read this article instead. I’m also excluding investigative reporters, who by and large did some great work in this election cycle, but were too often relegated to the back pages by those in charge.
**Pauses to add up the total number so far**
Fake news — tbd, but seems like a lot
(Wolf Blitzer voice activated, KEY RACE ALERT flashes across screen) —We have a key race alert. A key race alert. An emerging post-election story, we’re declaring fake news too early to call. I repeat, too early to call. Fake news is too early to call.
White people — 21% of blame
More than 60% of white men voted for Drumpf and more than 50% of white women voted for Drumpf. White people suck.
**Has 6% left, stops to figure out how to divide it up**
James Comey — 2% of blame
In an election where there was an unusual amount of undecided voters, he sure made it a whole lot easier for people to make up their mind last minute.
Julian Assange — 2% of blame
Wikileaks can release whatever they want with information from whomever (whoever?) they want. So if Assange wants to release a bunch of stolen emails from Russian hackers, so be it. But can we all agree that it’s a bit of a dick move (and a tiny bit eyebrow raising) to exclusively post stuff on Western countries? I’ll stop short of calling Assange an a-hole because I don’t want my computer to be hacked, but... At the very least, witholding information on Russian/Chinese spying, which he’s surely doing, makes Wikileaks a biased media outlet just like all the other ones. He’s also just in it for himself at this point. I mean, the dude’s living in a broom cupboard and hasn’t stepped outside in years now. He saw a chance to cozy up to Russia while helping a demagogue become President, and he took it. I imagine political chaos can be good when you’re wanted in multiple countries for multiple crimes. Snowden I understand, but I don’t get why people idolize this guy.
Third-party voters — 1% of blame
At the very least, these voters made the difference in Michigan and Wisconsin. Possibly Florida too. Hey, look at that, those three states swung the election! Either they don’t know how to vote tactically (in which case go to the library and pick up a copy of Game Theory 101), or they preferred Donald over Hillary anyways. So third-party voters get 1% and would get a lot more if I wasn’t so close to 100%.
Everyone else — 1% of blame
You, me, us, we. Everybody. He’s the brainchild of the internet age, the deviant son born from partisanship, and the end game from decades of political misgivings. We’ve all contributed. We’re all guilty.