One month in
It’s only been a month?! I’ve hastily compiled a list of what we’ve seen from this glorious new administration, and believe me, I know I’m missing a lot.
- Mango Mussolini (“M.M.”) delivers his inaugural address, and talks about American carnage and how the country sucks and how factories lay dead like tombstones across the land and how he alone will fix everything. The speech, which in written form looks kindergarden-level when placed next to other inaugural addresses, was written by President Steve Bannon and Vice-President Stephen Miller (“the two Steves”), because of course those two baffoons would ramble on about American carnage.
- M.M. signs an Executive Order to start the process of repealing the Affordable Care Act. He has since repeatedly tweeted about how much of a quote-unquote disaster it is, seemingly unaware of the ever-revealing truth that in fact more and more Americans are supporting it (which — and this is just a wild guess — probably has something to do with those same Americans not wanting the government to strip them of their health insurance), and that Congressional Republicans (the “stormtroopers”) are now throwing around “repair” as the operative word du jour instead of “repeal and replace.”
- M.M. signs an ambigious EO regarding border security (*cough* PHOTO-OP *cough*) and claims its regarding the building of the wall, only the word “wall” isn’t actually used in the EO. A fence ain’t a wall buddy!
- M.M. gets the two Steves to write an EO banning individuals from entering the US if they’re from one of seven countries. The two Steves choose not to collaborate with the Justice Department or give them any forewarning about the EO. The two Steves choose not to collaborate with Homeland Security or give them any forewarning about the EO. In a shocking turn of events nobody sees coming, chaos ensues.
- The White House administration (the “goon squad”) and the stormtroopers vehemently deny that the Muslim ban is a Muslim ban, but then M.M. tweets that it’s a Muslim ban.
- M.M. argues that he is just basing his EO off of an Obama-era policy, which is mostly false.
- Press Sec. Sean Spicer (the “Walking Dead”) spends his first official press briefing berating the media and insisting that the crowd size for M.M.’s inauguration was far larger than what was reported by the quote-unquote opposition party (the media). This after M.M. bragged about his crowd size while in front of the Wall of Stars at the CIA where American heroes are honoured. He claims his speech at the CIA was as well received as Peyton Manning’s (???????), conveniently leaving out the part where he had his own people planted in the (small) audience clapping and dog-whistling him. It was afterwards reported in Politico that Trump had woken up in a sour mood earlier that day because of how the media was comparing his crowd size to Obama’s, and it was separately reported that M.M. had pressured the Walking Dead into criticizing the opposition party and then turned around and made a chide remark about the Walking Dead’s baggy suit he was wearing that day. All this happened during a Sunday afternoon on Day 2 of his Presidency. I swear I’m not making any of this up.
- M.M. gets in an argument with Prime Minister Turnbull of Australia — only one of America’s strongest allies — and hangs up on him, but not before bragging about the size of his electoral college win, which in reality was actually quite small. I’d like to think that Turnbull tweaked him by reminding him he lost the popular vote.
- M.M. calls CNN fake news and chides a journalist for reporting on the indisputable existence of the dossier and the well established fact that Obama and M.M. were briefed on it. Meanwhile InfoWars, an actual fake news website, receives White House press credentials.
- The stormtroopers allow for Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions to join the goon squad because the stormtroopers have abandoned all courage and principal.
- A couple weeks into his Presidency and M.M. is still found to be tweeting about voter fraud, citing demonstrably false studies as evidence. He claims Democrats bussed in thousands of voters from Massachusetts to New Hampshire to vote. He argues that he would’ve won the popular vote easily had he been campaigning for it. He says he only lost NY and CA so badly because of the illegal votes, as if those are the only two states where these magical illegal votes were tabulated. Through all this, he reveals his deep, DEEP insecurity about, well, everything. The voter fraud tweets would be funny if there weren’t real consequences. M.M.’s promise to crack down on voter fraud equals upcoming voter suppression laws from the stormtroopers plus upcoming voter suppression EOs from the two Steves.
- KellyAnne Conway (“Bellatrix Lestrange”) coins “alternative facts”, currently in pole position for buzzphrase of 2017.
- Bellatrix Lestrange refers to the now infamous Bowling Green massacre.
- M.M. announces his SCOTUS nominee in exactly the way you’d expect a reality TV host to announce such a thing.
- The Walking Dead uses the horrific Quebec shooting to defend the Muslim ban, despite the fact that the victims were Muslim and the shooter was a Trump sympathizer.
- M.M. questions a Dubya-era federally appointed judge by calling him a “so-called judge”, and goes on a twitter tirade against the entire judicial branch of government #SEEYOUINCOURT!
- After losing 3–0 in the appeals court, M.M. posits that the judges are to blame for the next terrorist attack, once again showing his remarkable leadership qualities.
- Meanwhile, M.M. continues to tweet from his private, unsecured Android device. Lock him up! Lock him up!
- The goon squad comes up with another EO, this time on Dodd-Frank and Wall Street deregulations. Concurrently, Gary Cohn, former Goldman Sachs COO, is rapidly moving up the goon squad power rankings. The swamp’s looking dirtier than ever.
- President Bannon gains a spot in the national security council, a team purpose-built to be arm’s length from the politics of the White House.
- M.M. re-affirms US commitment to the One-China policy after a single phone call with Xi Jinping. Wasn’t M.M. going to be tough on China? Tough negotiator my ass.
- M.M. approves his first air-strike as Commander-in-Chief with insufficient information and details, and an 8-year old American girl is killed, among others.
- Gen. Mike Flynn of the goon squad is found by the fake news NYT/WaPo to have had several calls with the Kremlin regarding the sanctions against Russia, which took place in the weeks before inauguration day. He then lied to goon squad VP Mike Pence about it.
- Bellatrix Lestrange says that Flynn has the full confidence of M.M. The next day Flynn is fired. We’re also now pretty sure M.M. knew about all this for several weeks, and his campaign had been in contact with Russia for months. Many stormtroopers seem fine with these developments despite being the same so called humans who were screaming for impeachments and resignations left, right and centre after Benghazi a few years ago (which was a nothing scandal, by the way).
- Bellatrix Lestrange tells people to go buy Ivanka Trump products on national TV, a clear-as-can-be ethics violation.
- M.M. hosts Shinzo Abe of Japan at the Winter White House to show off the fact that he’s profiting off of his Presidency and the stormtroopers aren’t going to do a damn thing about it. During the festivities, North Korea launches a missile test and M.M., the goon squad, and Abe huddle around the dinner table in a crowded area to discuss issues of national and international security, and do so while literally googling updates because surprisingly enough the Winter White House is not properly equipped for rapid response measures the same way the West Wing Situation Room is. Obama would’ve gotten absolutely shit on by the stormtroopers if he had done such a thing, but of course he and the 43 POTUSs before him would never be so reckless.
- As of today, M.M. has started tweeting about how the media is using “illegal” leaks coming from his goon squad to corroborate reports regarding the Flynn/Russia scandal (hint, it’s Javanka. How else do you explain their inexplicably positive press coverage?). The irony of M.M. complaining about leaks after celebrating Wikileaks’ modem operandi for months is too rich. The only thing more ironic would be him complaining about how the FBI should stay out of politics, which is exactly what also happened today, a few months after the FBI Director all but handed him the Presidency.
- Finally, and also today, M.M. broke from the long-standing US policy for a two-state solution between Israel and Palestine. He says he wants peace. And how exactly do you get that without recognizing both countries as equal?
Whew! I mean, what’s next? Will the Walking Dead or Bellatrix Lestrange be fired next? Will President Bannon get Reince Preibus (Trump’s Chief of Staff) fired and replace him with Vice-President Miller? Will the two Steves re-write the Muslim ban EO to make it even worse? Will M.M. and members of the goon squad get called in for a congressional hearing? Will Jared Kushner really bring middle east peace and save the world?
47 months to go.