Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks : My Ugly Friend

I do not want to write this. I sense that I must. Most people do not know this part of my story, only a few. I decided it was important to write briefly about because 1) it is real, 2) it was a huge developmental time in my life, and 3) I know that it has helped others a few times. So here, maybe it will encourage you! The photo above is a photo secretly taken by a peer of mine at a business meeting in the middle of the day. He did not know the torment and pain that was swirling in my mind, the tears I was fighting with every moment that went by, and my heart feeling like it was about to bust out of my chest.
This was several years ago. The time-frame is mildly a blur and I do not want to sit here and figure it out because, like I said, I do not even want to be revisiting this. I have often told those that know my story that there is no way I can communicate in any form, written or verbal, what the experience of fear, panic, depression, and anxiety feel like. Simply, Panic Attacks are VIOLENT! It feels like your chest is caving in, throat closing up, limbs tingling, heart racing, can’t breath, dizziness, nausea, sweaty palms, confusion, darkness, feeling of imminent death and unexplainable and irrational fear. I am not going to waste anymore of your time trying to explain something unexplainable. Simply, it sucks, it hurts in every physical and mental way possible, and hopelessness rules! Oh, and by the way, do not tell someone dealing with this , you have un-repented sin in your life and you need to recognize what it is and repent or you are not trusting God enough. This is a dark place, a very very dark and lonely place.
Here is the crazy part. There was NOTHING going on in my life that would lend itself to me going through this localized insanity. My marriage was wonderful, I had a great paying job, my children were healthy, I had several hobbies that I was enjoying, money was not a problem, church life was healthy, and home life was wonderful. I remember days and days and days, 36 to be exact, of asking WHY ME and what the hell is wrong with me! You see, I went through 36 straight days of 24 hour 7 days a week panic attack mode! I am not exaggerating or making this up. It NEVER relented. I literally “jogged” around my living room for 5–6 hours at a time just trying to get some of this adrenaline out of my system. Never Worked.

I went and checked everything out that I could. I went to biblical counseling, even paid for it. Went to doctors for several physicals and sleep exams and blood work. I prayed, I cried, I threw things, I screamed, I cussed, I looked for bridges to jump off of and trees to drive into. In every one of these the entire time internally or externally screaming WHY!! What is physically wrong with me? What is spiritually wrong with me? What is mentally wrong with me? What is emotionally wrong with me. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Get the point? In my tests almost everything came back normal except for something called mitral-valve prolapse which has a side effect of anxiety but didn’t come close to explaining the emotional violence and torment I was experiencing! SO, there I was, spinning and reeling out of control asking, why why why!
I had somehow mustered up the energy to “search” sadness and depression in the Bible. What I found was profound to me! First, David, saying “How long, Oh Lord, will you hide Thy face from me”. I could not think of a more depressing statement that has ever existed. To think, better yet, feel that the Lord was not looking upon you. The second was when Paul was exhorting his brothers to not forget them and the trials they had experienced in saying they felt like “they had been given the sentence of death”. YEP! That sums it up well! Here was the interesting and profound thing I discovered as my eyes dripped tears all over the pages. These great men of the scriptures spent little to no time asking why but instead remembering what God had done, is doing, and will do! Pulling us from the pits of the grave, sanctifying and refining us even now, and giving us glory and the inheritance of the Kingdom in the future!

Do I think this cures every issue every time, NO! Do I think it was helpful in my story, absolutely! So, what was wrong with me? In my estimation, as I look back, absolutely nothing! I am living in a fallen, broken, dying world. I experienced an incredibly dark and lonely place filled with anxieties and fears and depression. I chose to be outwardly focused and try to care for those around me. I coached teams, I went to work, I decided the greatest cure for me was not selfishness but instead selflessness. I accepted my broken condition and I stopped asking why and started remembering what He had done, is doing, and will do. I cannot say that I am completely over experiencing these episodes but it is not 24/7.
Let me leave you with this from my experience. It’s OK. It’s ok to be having a hard time. It’s ok to be suffering. Its ok to be a “little off”. I am not saying don’t get help. I am not saying just deal with it. I am not saying stop whining. I am not saying it is not the most difficult challenge you could ever imagine. I am not saying its only some sort of spiritual problem. I am not saying you should not seek medical advice and medications. I am not saying repent and get over it. What I am saying is, don’t do it alone. Don’t hide it. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed that something is “wrong” with you. As long as you are still breathing and God is still God, there is HOPE! You are a beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made person who, at times, needs someone to help walk you home!