Finding my way at 36…
Let me answer the first question you have. ‘What, you’ve found your way?’ No. What does this statement mean anyway? I don’t want to stop loving, learning, living, dreaming. My life is a continuing journey, and the last few years have been like riding the most terrifying roller coaster I could find at Walley World. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Now I have finally exited the ride, and it’s hard to express how that feels but I will give you some insight into what it has taken to stop feeling like every morning I wake up feeling sick to the stomach.
“Even when change is elective, it will disorient you. You may go through anxiety. You will miss aspects of your former life. It doesn’t matter. The trick is to know in advance of making any big change that you’re going to be thrown off your feet by it. So you prepare for this inevitable disorientation and steady yourself to get through it. Then you take the challenge, make the change, and achieve your dream.” ~ Harvey Mackay
At 32 I had come out of a long term relationship which included a three year marriage followed by divorce over the course of the following years. It was amicable, and possibly the most understanding and mature separation there has been, not to be confused with it being easy. Around this time I was working for myself and running a one man design studio with several clients working primarily in web design. This was one year into moving back to Sydney after living previously in Melbourne, my home town. To move my attention off myself and managing my feelings I went back to working full time as an employee at one of Australia’s top digital agencies, DT who share offices and clients with Ogilvy in North Sydney. This was a really great time, my attention shifted to meeting new people everyday in a large office environment, having an Associate Design Director role which meant various responsibilities above and beyond just designing. Along with this the stability of an income to support myself living comfortably in the ever expensive city that I was now calling home. Moving from one studio apartment to the next every six months for a change, living in the activated and cool spaces of Alexandria, Newtown then Bondi. You can see what I was doing to myself here, in the moment I was doing what I thought was right, really I was just suppressing my emotions and not allowing myself to feel.
After the first year in my full-time employment the job shifted to becoming the highest stress level environment I have ever worked in. A drink or two after work with colleagues became commonplace when you get use to leaving the office at 8pm. So I faced it head on and worked harder than ever before to produce my best work yet, we won new business after new business for some very big names like Choice, Macquarie and Australia.com. When I said I produced my best work yet, visually it was — up to date, appealing, wowing the crowds. I based it on being the best because it was winning our business the best. What it wasn’t doing was anything for me, it was fast design, produced to influence and inspire yet I was just trying to hit deadlines and didn’t feel the work was refined or necessarily the ‘right’ design as I didn’t get the time to try other avenues, iterate over and over or step outside my bubble and be inspired by nature, the sky, a new book, or even a new TV show on Netflix. I only have myself to blame for the other option was to stop and reflect and give myself the time I needed which meant thinking about the personal position I was in. Alone. Changed. Fearing my own emotions.
“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~ Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
I realised none of this was what I really wanted. It did not mean I knew what I wanted but I started to learn what I didn’t want. Before I let the job get the better of me I put a plan in place which was simple. I set a resignation date which was Friday July 11, 2014 to resign from my job. I gave work five months notice and they accepted. I had come to the decision I wanted to leave but I didn’t want to race out the door, I did enjoy what I was doing and who I was working with, I just wanted to relieve the pressure I was putting on myself and I knew I needed a change. They accepted. And many times over the course of the five months tried to get me to change my mind. I saved as much money as possible during this time. Then I stopped. I just stopped hiding from myself. I woke up on Monday July 14, 2014 and I didn’t check emails on my phone first thing, I didn’t get dressed for work, I didn’t rush out the door at 7:30am to get the next train from Bondi Junction to St Leonards. I was able to just be, just me with coffee and all the time in the world to look up into the bright blue sky above, breathe and daydream.
I am thankful for the role the internet has had in my life, while also hating it a little.
From here on in I had no plan. This was intentional. I didn’t know what was next because I had lost sight of who I was. I felt if I planned during the time I knew I was leaving my employment those decisions may not have been the right ones once I finished. I found this to be the right decision for me. I wanted to explore other paths that most resonate with me as opposed to what I am good at. The fear of the unknown was to become my driver. As a creative my mind was exploding with ideas and I didn’t know what to try first. So I didn’t, I took a holiday to Byron Bay for a couple of weeks to unwind with the locals, the beach and some old friends.
Taking a little step back there was a big change that happened around the time I announced I was resigning. I met someone special and we hit it off instantly. This was the first person I dated since I was 24 years old. I began to open my heart to someone new, and let them in. What followed was a beautiful 9 month relationship, we shared, we laughed, her touch was powerful, her words profound, and her ability to listen amazing. I began to heal. This ended, being mature and open to each other we faced up to the fact that our relationship had hit its ceiling. We had a great time and I believe we came into each others life for a reason.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
I’m guessing your wanting to now know what having no plans looks like, well here is a list of projects and activities I took on over the six months following July 14, 2014:
- I set up Diligent in Denim, a mens fashion Instagram and blog (targeted at men and showcasing how to style everything in your closet, not all at once — think Joey in Friends). I’ve since removed this.
- I came to experiment with and find cement fascinating in small format and created KFTD (Krafted), a cement jewellery line of necklaces and earrings which I sold online and at Bondi Markets a few times. This faced a real fear I had of putting myself out there and selling in public. I closed this idea down eventually.
- At times I freelanced, when projects came up that I found to be interesting I said go for it, and enjoy yourself so I got to work with some great people.
- I up-cycled furniture and took a class teaching woodworking with some friends on a weekend away. I’ve always loved making things and working with wood.
- I brought a surfboard and tried my hand at, who am I kidding I was rubbish. I’ll stick with Body Boarding which I’m way better at and have been doing since I was little.
- I continued to run and got back to playing basketball, my first love.
- I worked on an App design with a few friends, The Pixel Gentlemen and designed the whole thing, which we didn’t get off the ground but it was a fun experience and I must say a beautiful design.
The key project I took on during this six months was on myself. Among all of my ‘doing’ this was the best step I took. I was given a great reference by a friend of a life coach who he was visiting. Once I worked up the courage, I went to see her. I engaged her during a time in my life when everything seemed unsettling, and I had a lot of change going on. Her work with me was holistic and one of the few things during this period which helped me see myself in a different light. Being an action oriented person, she showed me that I needed to create space around my ideas, learn to still my mind, and let my life reveal itself. Through this work I gained the confidence to challenge some relationships I had in my life, how I related to certain people and to regain the balance for myself for those who I gave too much and received little. And removing those all together whose beliefs and values were not aligned to mine. A tough prospect to face but well worth it.
Coaching is a process that helps you to find clarity in the seemingly unrelated aspects of your life. The life coach allowed me to see that I had a deeper inner exploration calling me, and that I should follow my intuition. Her communication, energy and presence were a powerful influence for me. I went into the life coaching with the idea of improving my creative career (commercially) but came away with so much more. Her encouragement led me to an energy healer who worked with me to release energy I had been harvesting over long periods of time from loved ones. This was an incredibly personal and confronting experience of exploring ones inner self and releasing what I thought no longer existed within myself. For those of a curious nature I suggest you give this a try, it may not be for everyone, but how would you know if you didn’t try it. I was excited to give it a go and I’m so thankful for my open-mindedness.
“You come to life with great strength, compassion, wisdom and insight. You are courageous and authentic enough to own your experiences, reflect and adjust.” (A note from my life coach to me.)
The beginning of 2015 is where I started to explore an avenue of interest that was just sitting there, waiting for me. Over the last four years I have worked with a Non-Profit Organisation called PlaygroundIDEAS.org, from designing their first website back in 2011 to preparing presentations and graphics for them. If you read about them you will come to understand that they do something wonderful for children, they support anyone, anywhere to build playgrounds using local materials, tools, and skills. I am now a close friend of the founder and we catch up regularly for coffee. At this time in early 2015 I got to talking to him about doing a physical project on behalf of PlaygroundIDEAS.org. We came up with the idea of me documenting the process of building a playground somewhere, with someone and me filming the entire thing.
The challenge was set, and this was what I was looking for. I was still in Sydney at this stage living in Bondi, and he was based in Melbourne and he found someone I could work with in Guatemala, at that time I confess I had to Google where that was exactly. From Sydney, via Melbourne and over Skype and email over the course of the next few months I planned a trip to Guatemala. Completely throwing myself out of my comfort zone and setting one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I didn’t speak Spanish, I had never filmed anything other than my sisters cat and I was going alone. Travelling alone I have done all over the world but for a particular project like this it was a nervous thought even for a man in his early thirties. I have created a documentary of this project, see below and it is here on YouTube, so take a look when you get some time — I would really appreciate it and so would the children and school involved. The experience of being in Guatemala was invigorating, wholesome, grounding, peaceful, this project was one of the most fulfilling in my life to date.
I took the opportunity at this time to turn this project into a travel trip as well. It made sense given I was heading as far away as Central America. So for three months following April, 2015 I spent the first month in Guatemala, then I travelled around Mexico, Belize and Cuba for a further month before heading north to spend some time with close friends in Calgary, Canada and some smaller trips to Denver and San Francisco in the US and Vancouver, Canada. During my month long stay in Calgary with a very dear friend and her young family I was able to cover off a bucket list item, that was to go to the Calgary Stampede. It was fantastic and highly recommended, provided you arrive in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.
What did all of this travelling mean to me, I felt adrift, lonely yet at home, I was able to make wherever I was feel like home. In some ways it was like being a double agent where I was able to mould into any situation I wanted and side with any side I needed to, to get by.
Finding myself back in Melbourne for the last quarter of 2015 I was living with my parents, at 36 years old. I didn’t own a car or have my own place to live but I’m fortunate that my parents have a weekend farm in Daylesford so I wasn’t in their way all the time. Given the success of the playground build I set out to edit my first ever film in Final Cut Pro. I completed the documentary in under three months after many scrapped edits. With the finished film I set out on a fundraising drive to raise further money and awareness in Australia, to send over to the school to aid them in completing other works needed for the classrooms. Another target set and achieved. Light was shinning around me and everything seemed bright my way.
Earlier in 2015 my e-divorce (it’s a thing) was finalised. It was an interesting time. Do you celebrate, or commiserate — well we just shared an awkward email moment which went like this.
The only thing remained now was a house that we owned together. A decision was made to sell and we sold this successfully at the end on 2015, and did very well off the sale. This was the last door closing on a long chapter of my life and the last part of my grieving process. Ending the chapter that was 2004 to 2015.
Given the success of the playground build in Guatemala, my friend who runs the playground organisation asked me if I wanted to take part in another 12 month project overseas for 2016. He was in talks with the East Timorese government on helping to build 150 playgrounds for kindergarten children throughout their country. I jumped at the opportunity with open arms and an open heart. This would mean I would be heading off mid January, 2016 for 12 months or possibly longer living in Dili, the capital of East Timor and riding around the country side on a motorbike helping oversea the build of the playgrounds — not all at once. Throughout the end of 2015 we met various times to discuss the status of the project, started to think about what we would need to action before going and I even passed my motorbike learners for the gig. Then the project just stopped. I always knew this could happen. And I have to be honest with myself here, I had left all of my eggs in this basket and saved none for anything else. My heart was set on this project and it would be something that was taking me in an unexpected direction and one that could open doors to other worlds again. A questioned remained within myself at this time, what was I not facing up to? Was this another lost opportunity at finding my way.
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ~ Kurt Cobain
This left me at the end of 2015 feeling rather deflated, I stopped to breath in the fresh country air, tended to the animals on our farm, cleared fallen trees, mended fences and even spoke to a local boutique hotel in Hepburn Springs about taking on a groundskeeper role. See through all of these changes, trials, projects, travels I was starting to strip down life to the bare essentials for me. I started to focus on things I wanted to do, so I took on a new challenge of learning to play the acoustic guitar which I have wanted to do since I was young. I made the time. So far I have a bunch of the main chords down and I can play the opening to ‘Come as you are’ by Nirvana which I am very proud of.
With a clear road ahead of me and my renewed love of the outdoors I took on a project landscaping my sister’s backyard. I’ve mentioned I always love making things, using my hands, so I spoke with her about the idea of doing this work, which she loved. This kept me busy from the start of January until early April. Each day was a challenge, learning something new or using knowledge I have long had and putting it to use. It was easy, I mean it took time and was tough, physical work but mentally it was a peaceful process where I found myself constantly in my own state of flow.
During this three month period I had two moments of clarity, thoughts I had allowed to breathe, that really resonated with me. The first was looking into further study, outside the world I know of design. This lead me to key reoccurring thoughts, they were the outdoors and the idea of working in National Parks as a Park Ranger someday. So I took on studying part-time through OTEN a Certificate III in Conservation and Land Management which I am still doing to this day. It’s refreshing to learn something new, at times I find it hard to make the effort but knowing myself I will complete it, whether it is is used or not in the future. Knowledge invigorates me.
The second moment of clarity was that I was not ready to settle down, not in Melbourne or Sydney or anywhere. Travel is always on my mind, those who enjoy travel understand that constant sense of adventure pulling them to Google their next great escape. This time I didn’t want to leave Australia, I knew that. So I decided to buy myself my first ever new car, a 4WD and drive around Australia, something that has always interested me and another of those bucket list items. If not now, when? It was a simple decision with a simple plan, just me, my ute, my swag and the open road and I could be ready to go at anytime. I was also able to study whilst on the road, giving me a focus during that time. I made myself aware that this wasn’t going to be easy, the road can be lonely, especially by yourself. Reading this now I see that reoccurring theme, isolation.
“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel.” ~ Rosalia de Castro
The one man trip began in Tasmania on April 11, 2016. The struggle was real and began on day one. What I found was not a feeling of being homesick, remember I haven’t had a home for myself for almost two years now, it’s hard to explain but although I was on a journey I still felt lost.
After 34 days on the road, including crossing back into Victoria, I followed my gut feeling and turned around, I returned to Melbourne. I had all the time in the world for this journey, I came to realise it just wasn’t the right time for me. The day I decided to return was the most comfortable day of my trip, I was just driving and smiling, and singing. I felt open and reinvigorated. I had made the right choice.
Where has this landed me. Firstly with an awesome 4WD ute, nicknamed Max! Seriously, I am ready to settle down, to call a place home, and start to care about life, my life and the life of those around me. Distiling my passions in life I am looking at ways I can combine my love of design with my love of coffee while surrounding myself with good people, allowing others to join me in my life experiences as I do in theirs.
Design is in my DNA, coffee is in my blood.
What does this all mean now, what are my key insights. I manage my highs and lows in all aspects of my life and at all times look to stay neutral and grounded. This makes for a very calm persona no matter what my life circumstances are. All of these life experiences makes me a better person, I am a life living.
