There I was in a bathroom of a hotel in Spain plagued with depression not knowing how ill I was. I was on holiday with a friend who was playing in the same team as me for a professional football club nr Northampton. I had my second groin operation and hadn’t been in the first team for 3months, I had been feeling unwell for some time having panic attacks on the training field not understanding what they were. before coming on holiday in was very nervous and couldn’t even pack my own case. My mum was a rock and I was blessed to have an amazing family reluctantly I made the drive to Crawley to meet my friend. we stayed up until 4am until we had to make the short journey to Gatwick airport. we landed at malaga airport and went on our way to the hotel. after a few days I was feeling unwell and felt as if my heart was going to explode! My groin was very sore still after being operated on 2 weeks prior to coming out to Spain. The club manager was refusing to get me the help I needed to have the operation intact I was used goods and Surplus to requirements I had a massive move to Bristol city 2years earlier and had been transfer listed after a 2year contract. My carrrea felt like it was over intact it was I had another year on my contract and after the operation I knew it would not be renewed. I had even bought a house nr Northampton and had a mortgage on it, alot went wrong that year a failed relationship and the death of my dear cousin Simon I was all alone in a house and not even playing the game I used to love. I remember mum calling me up while I painted my living room, bad news Simon comited suicide last night! I had been with him the weekend before he had suffered with pyscifreenia and wasn’t handling his condition very well. However the news complety destroyed me and the drinking began I would often drink to excess most nights, pub home the lads who weren’t in the match day team including me would regularly go out together until the early hours to clubs and bars in Northampton. back to the apartment losing my mind I was staying in days on end thanks to my friend Simon wormull a great guy he would buy me some food although I didn’t eat anything I was punishing myself for feeling the way I did feeling guilty why I should feel the way I did considering I had an amazing family and friends.
Back to the apartment bathroom, I had been sitting on the toilet seat for what seemed like days it was probably hours at this point i was in severe danger feeling an out of body sensation and then the voice of reason was at war with what seemed like the 😈 devil ! My mind was leading me astray playing dreadful tricks on me. I was battling the demons my next thought was where is a rope or cord I could just tie around my neck and jump from the 3rd floor balcony at least that way I would be at ☮️ peace. I couldn’t find anything so I was at a dead end no way to end my suffering desperation and paranoia set in thinking everyone was reading my mind , Simon was getting worried he also had lost someone to suicide a few months before. He then made the decision to call my parents and made plans to book another flight to come home. He was my rock for those few days he helped me get on the plane . I somehow managed to drive home from Gatwick to reading to go home to myum and dad’s house. there it all came out I collapsed in a heap and let all those years from the last year come pouring out. this was only the beginning of the torture I spent months at home petrified on any noise the telephone was my nemesis my manager bran Talbot would ring soon to see how the operation went also the club physio would be calling getting me back early to do rehab after the operation. Weeks of living like a hermit crab and not eating and hardly drinking again feeling sheer guilt I decided to go with my brother for a jog, which helped loads the manager was on the phone to my dad asking about me I decided to make the pain striking decision to end my career a year early. Some of the stress was eased knowing I didn’t have to go back to the football club as I knew what some of the players were thinking the whole reason for not going to the club doctor was I didn’t want the stigma of mental health to affect me I thought it would end my already fragile football career. Building my life back together was a slow process, I felt better and was reunited with an old friend from school we always got on well and were part of a great group of lads I flew the nest early moving to Bristol to continue my football career while the others pursued an acedemical route. I sacrificed alot growing up following my dream! Moving away from an early age not going out while my friends were having fun, that didn’t bother me at all I was single minded and knew from an early age I was going to be a professional footballer what I didn’t know is how tough it would be I traveled around from club to club trying to find a another contract after Bristol I moved on to Yeovil still contracted to Bristol city. My two year contract was coming to an end I was in Bristol one minute then Rushden and diamonds came in for me offering a three month loan deal,The following day I packed a bag and made the 2hour journey to Northamptonshire arriving at the training ground for 9.30am there to meet me was the manager it all seemed so wonderful the facilities were outstanding I really felt part of a real football club. I knew I had to prove myself as I was on loan with a view to a permanent move a month passed and after a great month playing first team football I was offered a three year contract then the manager was informed I was taking 6 voltorin a day and during my medical I had to convince him I was fit to sign a three year deal. Eventually I passed the medical and signed longest contract i have been given. I signed the deal with my agent present and moved into digs near the club my land lady was a character a big drinker with a good heart her food was terrible I remember the first meal she combined spaghetti Bolognese with Brussel sprouts a first for me. It was nearly Christmas and we had two games one boxing Day and another New years Day, we were allowed to have Christmas with our families but we had to meet at the training ground at 5pm that day we stayed in a hotel in Stevenage and played the game we draw and I played well. New years Day we were at home and won my family were at the game and again I played well signing autographs for the fans in the players bar. It all seemed very right, I fitted in finally playing the beautiful game and getting payed a house was next to come a pretty little town called towecter next to Silverstone. A few months passed and I had played 8 games the next game a tough fa trophy against bath city I started the game and got pulled of at half time not knowing why looking back I should have asked the manager straight away but being naive I said nothing. The next game I wasn’t e en on the bench still with no explanation from the manager I drifted off being made to train with the youth team. Months passed and my football career was again in the balance although I had a cushion of a three year contract. The season finished and I was due in to see Dr Holloway a groin speachilst he had operated on me whilst I was released from reading as a young professional footballer 2years earlier the operation went well and was at home later that day. I had 3weeks off to recover but had to return to training 2 weeks prior to pre season training. Pre season came and went I felt good and was determined to stake my place in the team then I realised I was not part of the managers plans I was training with the reserves and felt like I had been frozen out. The season started and I was playing in the reserves still trying to prove myself yet again ! The season was well matured and Christmas came and went I spent it with my family at home which was nice but a footballer having Christmas off was not a good sign. Back in to train on the 2nd January the season flew by being made to train with the reserves football was no longer a pleasure to play it was just a stress, I started to look around for other clubs but was told I could not go back to Yeovil where I played whilst being on loan because it could be seen as a threat to Talbot’s first team chances of winning the title , how could I be a threat if I was not in his plans anymore? After training with the reserves and not even traveling to away games or selected in the squad I drifted into solitude and would regularly ease my frustration and pain. Weeks came and went when suddenly one Friday afternoon at training I was pulled over and informed I was playing and would travel with the first team to Southport, we made the 3hour trip and were given our room mates two players per room. I didn’t sleep well that night but woke up feeling refreshed and fit. We traveled to the ground Haig avenue it was pissing down and blowing a Gail. The game started and I was doing my job winning the ball and passing it well. Suddenly the game was drifting me by I had hardly touched the ball for 10 minutes then the ball was lobbed over my head I turned wanting to prove myself I was eager to win the ball miss timing the challenge on the all ready saturated pitch I took the player down. Yellow card shit my first challenge a booking ! Now I could be in a bit of trouble another foul would surely see red! 22 mins and already a yellow card on my first challenge, the game seemed to pass me by with limited influence on the game I felt Talbot would pull me off at half time as he did last season, another opportunity arises a chance to make an impression on the game I closed an opposing player down and lost my footing and barely touched him with my trailing leg, shit the referee called me over I was quaking in my boots then I saw him reach into his pocket and saw the red card come out. I pleaded with him not to send me off as the player obviously played up to the challenge knowing I was on a caution already. I walked off the boos and horrible chants from the home supporters sat down in the changing room with my head in my hands and my heart on the floor, I was sent off in the 42nd minute and felt like I had let the players down the team got back to the changing rooms I said sorry to the boys and held my hand up. We were 2–1 down when I was sent off the game ended 3–1 and the chance of winning the title was very slim even if it was very slim already with Yeovil top by 3points. As before I was out casted. with only 4weeks to go until the end of the season my already operated groin was feeling sore it felt like I was being stabbed in that area I was breaking down in training and playing games were agony. This time I didn’t have any pressure of proving myself to extend my contract i knew it was the end even if I had another year to go. I went to the physio and he was very understanding we went together to see Dr Holloway again he game me a hydrocortisone injection in my groin the needle was at least 5inches long he hit the point where it was hurting . We returned to club and yet again during training I broke down, this time it was agony even sleeping was painful I tried to play Una reserve game at Kingstonion I wasn’t feeling right but still the chance to impress any manager of other teams I grit my teeth and played on. Complaining again to the physio we went to have an MRI scan in Aston Birmingham . There I met Gareth Southgate which was awesome he had an ankle injury while playing for England the night before. The MRI scan showed nothing out of the normal. I was disappointed I thought I could have another operation, Talbot asked me to run the line in a practice match I thought to myself what response I would give him I felt something inside me burn up and gave my reply no go and fuck yourself! I walked across the pitch and went inside to the gym and started stretching off my already torn groin. in came the youth team coach the gaffer wants to talk to you. I went out to the pitch and we exchanged words afterwards I got into my car and drove back home. Weeks passed, I spent days after days trying to get through this difficult time the season seemed to drag on the manager called me to his office and told me a few clubs in the league below were interested in signing me. wait he really wanted was to get me off the wage bill as I was earning £500 pounds a week which was very good money back then. I declined the offer as I had a good wage coming in and still had a year on my contract to run . I knew I needed another operation on my groin but couldn’t convince them to have a second oppion the manager would say things like are you sure it’s not something more serious he would call me at home suggesting it might be something sinister. Scare tactics I thought he said you don’t really want to be cut open again. At this point I started to believe him maybe it was something more serious.? My agent Dave Robinson went to the training ground to sort the problem out and argued that I needed the operation fair play to him for doing so much for me in that period. Myself and my dad arranged a meeting together to discuss the next plan, we decided to go down to Harley Street to see top surgeon Mr Gerry Gilmore he assed me and after sticking his finger underneath my testicals said im pretty sure you need an operation here. cat scans and stork scans it was clear I needed this operation. I was still in denial thinking I might not need this operation silly really but when you’ve been bullied into thinking it might be something more serious it makes sense. The operation went well I had to wait all day to have pre meds and was operated at 5pm. Woke up didn’t feel to bad sore but not as much as the previous ooertions. In came Dr Gerry Gilmore he had a sample pot in his hand said I fished this out of the groin. bingo ! That’s what the pain was practically the wire stitching came undone and was basically a foreign body . Life without football seemed bliss! No training eating whatever I wanted and not being stressed by not being 💯 fit. Meeting up with my old mate Eddie we were going out 7days a week more than often staying over at some random girls house we met that evening, at this point I was starting to put on weight and enjoyed rebelling against my football career. I had my contract paid up from Rushden and was spending it on Champaign and prostitutes my sex drive was through the roof! I was getting alot of joy with the 40 y olds most divorcées my life seemed like a constant party . I also got my first job outside football at yellow pages I was popular so got away with not doing too much. then I decided this was not the life I wanted my body was unrecognisable to me and others around me! I was ready to start a new chapterin my life so decided to think about my old friend mikell who emigrated to Italy 5 years ago. I didn’t have any contacts for getting in touch with him I remembered he had a brother who lived nearby and vaguely remembered where he lived so I drove down to see if he was in. I was lucky he was at home and said mikell was doing very well which was great to hear as we were very good friends and very close . I rang the number he answered and we got chatting it was like old times he was living together with his fiancé in a small town called Paestum 100 kilometers south of Naples . I booked the flight to Naples airport and arrived there on the 19th may 2003 it was a night flight and I arrived around 11pm we embraced eachother and went on the 1.30 hour car journey stopping off for a beer and admiring the stunning views of the Amalfi coast. we arrived to his home and was greeted by his fiancée Sofia and there two dogs joy and … a white fox looking dog and a large but soft farmer dog. The next day mikell was knocking at the door right we have some gardening to do so we went outside and gardened for an hour or so. Next a 5k run around the country side it was beautiful and could hear the sea nearby. We completed the run myself a good minute behind as I hadn’t done much to increase my fitness quite the opposite! I began eating some great food and limiting the carbs and training I was losing weight fast, mikell was taking me up to the football pitches and doing some drills with the ball by this time I was getting the buzz back for the game he would organise football matches against other teams and we were playing once a week he looks great very fit and was playing well with more quality than before and more speed. We would reguarly go to pubs and night clubs and I was loving this new chapter in my life with my old pal. I was told a family at the house opposite his were from Naples my nan was neopolitan from my dad’s side my grandad was a British soldier based in Naples so the family history and all his stories were a huge part of our families history. The family were due to come down on the Friday for a long weekend with eager anticipation I was introduced to the whole family Giuseppe the baby only 2years old Roberta the younger sister mariapia the mum gennaro the father and Veronica well wow what a beauty her long dark curly hair cascading down her slim back I was instantly attracted but saw two things in the way first language barrier second her dad a military policeman built like a tank with a goaty and a shiny helmet like head. Mikell would translate very well he was part of the family and was almost adopted by them. We were invited to lunch the weather was just right 26 degrees but fresh from the sea breeze and beautiful countryside. I remember Veronicas mother beevering away in the kitchen i instantly felt a connection with her she was a very kind person and had warm eyes. The lunch was superb penne zucchini and caramelised onions with an egg white twisted in to make a velvet like texture something I had never eaten before basic ingredients but packed full of flavour. Gennaros red wine was flowing and the conversation flew thanks to my pal mikell for translating I kept trying not make eye contact with Veronica but she would only make eye contact briefly with a sympathetic smile. We stayed for hours at the table finishing off with some homemade limoncello, I thought this is the life well at least for a few weeks. I stayed for 6weeks in total and we kept on living this great life in a beautiful country going out for meals clubs bars keeping fit in the day time with the training. Veronica and the family returned to Naples on the Sunday as her dad had work on Monday. I hounded mikell to call Veronica up he handed me the phone all I knew was come stai how are u? And Che fai? What u doing? She replied stavo reposando which meant I was resting. The conversation was really directed to mikell he asked when would the family be coming back to Paestum? Veronica was finishing off her studies at college she was only 19y me 25y. It turned out the family would return in two weeks time so not long before I was to see Veronica, the two weeks flew by we were playing football 4times a week and also keeping up the night life. The family returned on the Friday and I was waiting with anticipation we were playing head tennis in the garden and heard the sound of the gas engine big the fiat Ulysses come to a halt, we went out to greet the family and sat down on the terrace and chatted smoking far too many cigarettes. I decided that night I would ask gennaro permission to take his daughter out so I was constantly repeating the phrase . E possible uscire con Veronica ? Veronica had known about this and was preparing to go out and I was preparing one of the most nerve wracking moments in my life . I played Infront of thousands of fans but this was a different ball game! I gingerly made my way across the garden there was this man very intimidating build like an Italian war tank, with a pensive straight face I thought oh dear ! Then I attempted to say in Italian can I take your daughter out this evening? I said my bit and I think he understood, as I stood there in limbo I caught a glance of Veronica dressed to kill short snake printed skirt and a short cut off top revealing her tight slim torso and her belly piercing glimmering in the kitchen light. He looked at me then turned and said something in Italian to Veronica. Pappa ma Che cazzo! Which translates to dad for fuck sake! Her dad told her to get changed and I slipped off very sheepishly back to mikell. I told mikell of the ordeal and he laughed and said don’t worry you’ll get your chance! He was right after a discussion with gennaro he convinced him let me take her out. Gennaro called the shots Veronica was his little girl! Gennaro eventually said yes on one condition you go out as a three. So the next day we went out just three of us apparently he didn’t want it to look like Veronica was going out with just myself as it looked wrong in the eyes of the other locals. All three of us went down to the arcades on the beach front mikell left us to it , Veronica offered me a game of clacio balillia table football I accepted this was a great ice breaker and we laughed and had a great time as we walked back along the road just us two we tried to communicate she kept saying stelle guarda stelle! Obviously I didn’t have a clue what she was trying to say, then we walked back to mikells house and sat down we were finally alone and she sat down next to me I pointed out the stars and said your eyes are beautiful like the stars! Not knowing she was trying to tell me the same thing earlier walking down the road. She got up and sat on my lap I felt a strong feeling for her and was a bit embarrassed by this. We kissed and now I thought to myself this is it! What I wanted to happen surely now she’s mine. we sat there together arm in arm and looked up at the beautiful stars we were constantly staring into each others eyes I loved the expression of her face she could say a thousand words just with her deep blue ocean like eyes. The evening drew to a close and mikell came out and we accompanied Veronica back across the dull dusty lane back home. Her father was in the back garden waiting he was again sterned faced but at least I abided by his rules it was midnight and the amazing evening was over. I was brimming with joy and trotted back home myself and mikell had a chat about the evening and watched a film.
The next morning we decided to meet up to go to the beach I met Veronica outside on the iron bridge ponte di ferro this was a safe meeting point away from her dad. Ried We walked alongside each other arm in arm. I tried to say to her I will always look after her I tried to imitate this by cuddling and stroking my beach towel she just gave me a look and her eyes explained the rest she didn’t have a clue what I was trying to say so we just carried on walking to through the eyqaliptus filled wood towards the sea. There was the family Giuseppe toddling along with a bucket and spade Maria pia sitting down on a chair relaxing in the sun Roberta with guiesspe and gennaro hands on hips accepting the sea breeze onto his already sun kissed body.i decided to break my hold of Veronica it didn’t seem like the right time to show our affection to all the family she didn’t want to break away but I felt it was necessary for respect to gennaro not to be all over each other at this early stage. That afternoon we went to the market all together with Mikkel also and we saw a book Italian to English translation brilliant I bought it and we started to try to communicate it was quite a find, we tried it out it was the only way we could communicate intact we were never without it. It was like our best friend even if we couldn’t really make sentences from it. We pigeon talked our way through the next couple of days. It was time for the family to return back to Naples. They returned a week later for the weekend a party was arranged for Maria pias 40th birthday the I bought her a big boquet of flowers which I delivered to her that evening the whole family and friends were there we ate and Maria pias father Guido popped the cork of a bottle of spumante the cork landed right between myself and Veronica perched on are intertwined hands wow an applause. We stayed long into the night gennaro then said to me Matteo you are always welcome in my house my door is always open! This was the last evening of my adventure and I didn’t want to go back. Veronica asked permission to go on a walk with me gennaro agreed instantly without a second thought we walked to our bridge ponte di ferro and held each other and kissed agin the stars were shining for us it felt right and we both said stelle ! Stars the moons glare lit up the Mediterranean sea.this was are special place and what a spot! The next day I was preparing for my return to England it had been an amazing time spent with amazing people. Mikell started the car and myself and Veronica sat in the back on the way to Naples airport,I saw that look again she spoke with her extraordinarily beautiful eyes and I understood immediately that she didn’t want me to leave. We arrived at the airport and before I went through the other side she handed me our book I later read it on the plane she wrote in Italian I love you and miss you already I smelt her perfume she had sprayed on the front page and inhaled the sweet smell into my nostrils. I landed in Gatwick airport to be greeted by my dad he is an amazing dad and embraced me back home my mum was eagerly waiting to greet me again I am blessed to have a mother like her. I told them of my adventure but couldn’t tell the whole experience as we would have been up all night.feeling lighter and fitter I spoke to my agent and we arranged a trial for Scarborough town a couple of days later I was on the road again hoping to extend my football career i set off at 6am and got to the training ground for 10am the manager ran the bollocks off us and already feeling tired I struggled through afterwards I was back to the digs to relax, I fancied seeing the town it was by the coast and I had a stroll along the promenade Later I found a nice little Italian restaurant still beaming with pride I spoke in Italian limited but told them of my journey in Naples I finished eating and headed back to the car around 10pm my car alarm was screaming I looked over and the window was smashed shit ! That’s the first time I’ve had my car broken into, my Henry loyd jacket was gone I niaevly left it hanging up on the back seat rail. The next morning more running and then a ore season friendly in the evening I felt good and played well. The next morning I called autoglass and they repaired the window, with little dialogue with the manager I was feeling a bit despondent we trained that afternoon and later I called Veronica we would speak most days, she was upset and crying down the phone I asked waht was wrong ? Mi manchi ah this meant i you! I said ok me too! I had our book with me and looked up don’t worry. Non ti preocupare . She settled and all I knew was Che fai what u doing? The conversation wasn’t really going anywhere as she didn’t speak English and my Italian was very limited. We said goodnight and I slept. I was contemplating my next move I was in a dilemma should I stay here in England or follow my heart ?I woke up early around 7am my mind was made up I was prepared to bolt! I packed my case and shot off to the car without telling anyone I made the car journey south I called mum and dad to explained my actions as always they stood by me. I spoke about my intensions to return to Italy and they were very encouraging about this. I gave myself a two week plan I organised my life so when I left England for a new life in Italy my old life would be sorted. I still had some money left over to live well. I rang Mikkel and told him of my plans, I sorted my old life and planned for a brand new life in italy. I settled in and mikell and myself did some English teaching in the school in the next village it went well and we got paid this was good and I felt a very good vibe it was early September and still hot so we would play football non the beach with mikells friends Later that week mikell suggested that I should go to Naples and meet up with Veronica so we arranged to meet at a tube station Veronica was there waiting for me dressed to kill, she said we have to go back to her house because her shoes were hurting so much so we made a short tube journey back to her parents house there waiting was Maria pia and the little one guiesspe Maria pia welcomed me into her home with the same friendly smile and her warm eyes I felt instantly at ease we ate a good bowl of mare e Monte which was very tasty. Gennaro was due back soon and I was a bit nervous being in his home he returned and gave me a kiss and a cosmopolitan hand shake. I felt very comfortable at his home i thought to myself stage 1 completed he likes me. Afterwards Veronica accompanied me back to piazza garribaldi the main train station in Naples and I got the train back to Paestum where mikell met me.the next couple of weeks Veronica didn’t return to Paestum. a football trial was arranged by mikell who knew a football scout in Basilicata which was about 2 hours from Naples we made the long journey to potenza and stopped off on the way to meet Giovanni the scout he fed us and we drove climbing up the assent to rionero the journey seemed to last ages. The game started and I played really well and was instantly signed up we discussed money and I signed I was to return a week later my clothes were still wet after the down pour days earlier.i got the train from Paestum to Salerno which lasted only half an hour I changed to head into the sparse Basilicatan county side, again I changed to catch another train still accending and winding along the tracks very slowly I felt instantly alone! Jesus where am I going and what am I getting myself into? The journey lasted 1h so that’s 3hours in total. I walked to the stadium suitcase in tow. I entered the changing rooms and I could hear the chit chatter of the players I couldn’t understand a word, I felt even more alone in this unreal part of Italy remote from anywhere. it was getting dark and my suit case was saturated I decided to hang my clothes on the wired fence poking them through the square miniature wire. I headed back to the changing rooms the manager walked through and shook my hand and blurted something out in Italian I smiled as I didn’t have a clue what he was trying to say I picked up some Italian on my time spent in Italy but this just sounded so different then one of the players said something to me and was talking to the others and laughing. I got changed and warmed up with my new team members, even the warm up stretching was different it seemed like everything was done for show I’ve never even seen these excersises before. We trained and played a game afterwards I wanted to make an impression on my first training session I played right midfield and was playing my normal game which was obviously too quick for their liking as I heard Giovanni say he’s English ! I knew what he was saying this was football there’s only one language in football and that’s football! I felt safe with Gianni he wanted me to feel at home here he was neopolitan after all. training over it was time to discuss digs I knew the other lads from different areas far away stayed in a house in the town but I fancied a bit of tranquility. No luck there Gianni drove me back to the digs a town house ok we went in there was Salvatore from Calabria cooking away the open planned living kitchen was quite spacious Gianni said cook cook sassa buona cook. I agreed with Gianni and sassa had a big grin on his face and made a gesture that I knew from my dad which was passed down they would put their finger on the cheek and twist the finger the meat what he was cooking was going to be good. We sat down and Gianni said passata buona ! I understand passata as in the past not the name of the tomato based sauce. I tried to say yes I had already eaten this sauce so I said passata mangiato in passatto , which meant I have already eaten passata in the passata. they all laughed until there eyes were well filled with tears of elation. The digs were cold and had no hot water to be honest I felt like bolting on the upside Gianni would go home to Naples after the games so I asked Veronica if her parents would havee stay over Sunday and Monday nights . Her parents thought alot of me so they agreed which was awesome this way I could spend more time with Veronica. I watched the first game because my international clearance was taking ages they won and I traveled back to Naples with Gianni getting to Naples seemed like a lifetime ! Descending on the way back in giannis Peugeot 306 it took nearly 2half hours Gianni dropped me off at the capodimonte church and was met by gennaro and Veronica the idea was going well spending a couple of days with the family and then meeting Gianni on Tuesday early afternoon at the church to go back to reonero. Training was at 5pm Tuesday to the Sunday when we played we met up at a restaurant before the game and ate together, there was a choice pasta in Bianca pasta with no sauce just parmesan cheese and olive oil then veal or proscuto and grana cheese. I opted for the pasta in Bianca and veal . It tasted great the organic olive oil was superb great pre match meal. My international clearance was bugging me October came and went and November was freezing . We slept in bunk beds there were 4 bunks so eight in one room. Never had I had digs like this no central heating and no hot water combined with not understanding anyone and the international clearance delay was killing me. I was feeling very worn out trying to process actually what I was doing living in what seemed like the end of existence. Christmas looming and the team were 4th in a league of 15. I actually was pleasantly surprised at the standard of football. The fans were amazing the ultras made a couple of banners for me saying we’re all crazy for Matt. They have never had an English ex pro footballer playing for them. They kept asking me when I was to play? I couldn’t tell them I didn’t have a clue. I was asking the president every day what was going on . Looking back I should have called the English fa myself but the president’s wife spoke some English so I left it to her. Mid December and the season was closing for a Christmas break the Italian fa always has a 10 day break over the Christmas holidays. I spoke to the chairman and asked for a contribution towards my flight home to England as I was not to be payed until my registration was cleared which seemed fair the club bought us food and payed the rent remember this was not a professional club it was league below serie c which is considered professional. the president gave me 100 euros and wished me a happy Christmas with my family in England. I traveled back to Naples on the 17th December I had already booked a flight back for Christmas then I thought how great it be if Veronica could come with me to. I spoke to Veronica and she agreed to ask her mum and dad I knew it was a tall order but thought it was worth a shot. He parents decided to let her come with me for 10days. I was so grateful for this and told my mum and dad they were over joyed but also felt a huge responsibility as she was only 19y. I spoke to gennaro and Maria pia and in my best Italia thanked them for letting her little princess come over to England and stay with people they have never even met in a strange country. We were waved off to a crowd of friends and family there must have been 20 people sending us off as if we were never to return. I found this very embarrassing as I had already flown several times before but without the comotion. We landed to be met by my dad who was open armed he hugged Veronica and myself it was a great pleasure to introduce Veronica the drive home was good and no traffic my mum was waving at the window she was obviously so excited hearing all about Veronica and her beautiful family over the last 8months. It really did feel like Christmas lights were up tree decorated I was home at last, I was translating the conversation between us three mum even said to me shall I buy a hat ? Which was a way of saying is this the one? I said maybe. We spent Christmas with my family including my three brothers Andy the elder like and Adam the baby of the family even though he was 20y Christmas and New year flew by I showed Veronica where I grew up where I played football and she met my friends. I wasn’t looking forward to returning to Italy I felt very homesick but knew I was bettering myself in Italy and so we traveled back to Italy I said my good-byes to my family and friends. We landed in Naples to a crowd of friends and family they even made a banner saying welcome home Matt and Veronica! Again I was embarrassed but felt the love for us. Veronicas mum and dad held her and didn’t let go at that point I realized how generous they were to let their daughter come over to england. I was back training and was informed that my international clearance was ready. I played the first game it want easy i played center half and felt a little out of tune. After all I hadn’t played for 3months, the games came thick and fast my April we were 6th and had no way of winning promotion. The president decide to half most of the players wages although he only deducted 200 from mine which was bad enough! I decided to buy a car so me gennaro and his colleague went to guiliano to see why was about I bought a seat Ibiza it was 1.4 and had only 40000 kilometers on the clock. it changed my life I told the manager i would only train twice a week which he didn’t like . The Easter break was here and I had ten days, I met an agent from Naples through gennaro and his colleague Antonello. We discussed the options and the agent told me there was a possibility for a trial for Trapani in Sicily. they were full time professionals and played in serie c. I excitedly booked my flight to Palermo after only a 45 minute flight I landed the airport in Palermo was just off the coast it seemed though we going to land on water! I waited for the agent outsude the airport it was still very warm at 7pm. he arrived in his car to pick me up he must have been 18 stone and didn’t seem at all well. We went to dinner with his associate and afterwards went back to his house by the coast I took a while to get to sleep but managed I’ve slept on so many different beds for the love and passion for my football career this wasn’t the most comfortable one out of the lot. The next day I woke up early my agent was lying on his back the door was open I assumed he looked like a seasoned snorer but he wasn’t making any noise. I actually thought he was dead! He told me the night before we had to leave at 9am it was nearly nine already ! I watched him threw the door he was on his back with his arms stretched out in a crucifix style pose. Suddenly he let out a thundering fart which woke himself up I darted back in my room. The trial went very well and the 5days were up I was invited to a BBQ at a friend of agent we had an amazing food fish meat fresh salads he told me I was the best they have seen this year and wanted me to sign for 3.000 euros a month which was a living wage. Sorted I was buzzing with joy imaging playing pro football again in this beautiful part of Italy . I caught my flig couldn’t wait to get back to Paestum where Veronica was with the family. Bruno a close friend big the family met me at Naples airport and drove me to my car close to gennars house. I drove South and arrived with bated breath! It was around 9pm. I told of my great experience and that I had been offered a deal to sign in 2weeks time! We had a relaxing weekend and even went for a paddle although it was too cold to go above the waist. Easter Sunday was lovely eating great food the whole days eating was planned from the night before taking about what food we were going to eat. We ate in season artichoke which was slowly cooked on the BBQ I had never seen a real life artichoke before we would take the whole bud and rub oil and garlic and salt into the leaf great way to eat without any messing around spoiling the natural tastes. I think I’m England we try to pair to many things with vegetables including pasta. I still had some game time for rionero so I returned to the mountains training and playing I waited for the news from my agent 3weeks passed and nothing I rang him constantly but no answer I thought this was strange. Maybe he had died ? The weeks passed not hearing anything so I played as we as I could I was getting some interest from other clubs around but nothing concrete clubs pull back the money when there is no chance of promotion. May 5 and the last game of the season we had lost the last 2 games but were safe lying mid table. The last game of the season was away to Santar angelo. They were just above the bottom 3 and needed a point to secure safety. I drove from Paestum were we were staying and made the 1.30 hour trip to the small town met the players sitting down in the changing room the manager explained in no on certain terms should we win ! The game was to be fixed! My teammates seemed ok with that but I stood up and said I’m not English I play to win! The game started and they scored from guess what? A penalty! I was playing midfield I was trying to make an impression on the game and was getting into some good positions high up the field but no-one was passing the ball. I was getting some abuse from the 200 fans ultras of the home team they were calling me a filthy German obviously they saw my blonde highlights which mimmo had excellently made a few days before. I was begging to score the ball bounced kindly to me and I volleyed it towards the goal it nestled in the bottom left hand corner away form the outstretched keeper. Yes screw u! 1–1 this was midway through the second half my goal celebration was one of stupidity and …… as I turned away from the goal I put a finger in a shuss pose and in Italian I said shut up and get work! Now in southern Italy there is little work even in a big city such as Naples let alone a small town in the country with nothing but fruit and vegetables to pick which no Italian would want to do . Only the immigration’s would do this type of work and get paid peanuts. anyway back to my goal celebration, I said it now as I did this gesture I knew I would be in danger some games in the past fans had chases one guy off the pitch and through the fields! I noticed my colleagues weren’t so happy with my goal e back I could see why luckily there was fencing all around the pitch I often wondered why? Well now I could see why. The ref restarted the game I was on the ball and their team were just kicking me making no effort to take the ball. The ref just looked straight through me with a concerned look on his face. With the ball on the penalty spot our striker punched there winger in the face the whole stadium erupted! Players everywhere I decided to let it off the pitch towards the changing rooms hoping they wouldn’t be locked . Luckily our kit man had opened it, I locked myself in one of the toilets and prayed, I was the number 1 target! We got changed and the police escort arrived the bus was parked outside the changing rooms we mounted the bus and left with police cars behind and Infront of us stones were thrown at the coach luckily non of the windows were broken I have to say I felt a bit guilty having been the protagonist, the season ended we were saved they stayed up so It was what it was. Still no news from my agent I called him up he answered this this time he explained that he had a fall and had broken his hip. He explained the situation at Trapani FC and it wasn’t good news they had resigned their old captain he was a center half and they didn’t have any more cash to sign an already big squad. August 2003 we spent a few weeks in Paestum Monday morning gennaro would return to Naples then come back to Paestum Friday mornings my parents were coming to stay with us in Paestum it was Ferra Agosto an Italian summer holiday and my parents had booked 5days with us we picked them up at Naples airport and drove down to pastum stopping in the Amalfi coast for a drink and to take in the stunning views. My mum and dad met Veronicas family it was a special event the bond was to be made between us and reinforced I was constantly translating which was tough while Veronica helped the best she could. We had some great memories in Paestum all together mum spoiling the little guiesspe playing with him on the beach. I was so proud having my parents with me sharing the memories and making new ones. It seems stupid now 16 year’s later but I felt awful and very anxious having my parents here because I imagined if this was the last time I would see them or maybe one of them death scared me love ones being ill I suppose because I was so far away I started to feel even more I’ll. I know it was just a psychological thing. The 5days passed and it was time to set off for the airport again I waved mum and dad goodbye as they went through the baggage control and tried to whatch them right up to the last possible point where they disappeared and to be honest I wished I was with them.. trial was arranged close by at nocerino fc they were professional and in a higher league than Trapani with some anxiety i agreed to have a trial game it wasn’t far from Naples or Paestum I was picked up by my agent and played a full game I didn’t feel that good and the 30 degree sun was too much I finished the game with a bad feeling. I caught a train back this time Giovanni had already driven from potenza to Paestum to pick me up ! I had a sick feeling down low in my tummy as if there was something trying to get up right through me and out of my mouth I wasn’t in any pain just an uncomfortable feeling. When I got back to Paestum and walked back to the hous which was a couple of kilometers distance gennaro was in Naples again so there was no lift available I got back to the house it was passed dinner time so Maria pia warmed me up some pasta pisseli. I remember a sick feeling deep inside my stomach. I knew this was something bad I was almost climbing the walls with the pain, I had to get myself some help Veronica couldn’t drive nor could Maria pia so I got in the car Veronica by my side and started to drive to the 24 h surgery throwing up several times on the short journey to the neibouring village we got there and I was examined by the two doctors they asked me some questions and they thought I had a urine infection but I knew it wasn’t I was doubled up with the excrectating pain they attached me to a drip and pain relief but no change I managed to poo but this didn’t help. They suggested to get an ambulance to the hospital but I declined stupidity. We returned to Paestum I was up all night with the pain the birds were singing and it was dawn I went outside and crawled on the driveway in despair. Gennaro brother arrived from Naples that morning it must have been 9am and saw me crawling on the ground immediately he took me to the hospital nearby in agropoli I saw a doctor who again assessed me but couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I was desperate so with no further development I went home that night I was vomiting aggressively every ten minutes I had a fever of 42 and was having pain relief injections that gennaro gave me and asprin to try to lower the temperature but non of this worked. At this point I thought I was dying. Again the following morning I went to the hospital by this time everyone was extremely worried I Hadn’t even called my parents to let them know I was so ill I didn’t want to worry them! I saw the same doctor and he suggested to send me by ambulance to another hospital to get a scan. We arrived and they did a scan the results showed nothing I was In all this pain and nothing showed up on the scan I was completely deluded. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days it was brand new, I had another scan with a dye injected to see any abnormalities again nothing showed up, they said it was probably kidney stones I knew this wasn’t the case again I signed a release form and travelled back to Paestum. The pain subsided considerably buy the fever was still very high. A few days passed and it was already 2weeks since the illness started I was going through 3 changes of sheets a night. We headed back to Naples that night the fever was at its highest 44 we went straight to A&E carderelli in Naples it was the most important hospital in the south of Italy. The nurse assessed me and looked into my eyes and immediately sent me through to the other side but when I got through the doors in the bed what I saw was something like out of a scene from the war time, bloodied sheets abandoned in the corner and a corridor full of patients in beds . I was scared, actually petrified! A young lad was screaming in pain and was taken through to the operating theatre, I did think to myself I might have had a burst appendix but then with two weeks passing since the pain started I would surely be a gonna? A polish nurse came to me wanting to fit a drip into my arm she wasn’t very reassuring as she tremoured while trying to find a vein 3 attempts passed my arm was now red sore and I was absolutely destrort I signed another form and myself and Veronica gennaro went back home. I could see the worry on their faces I realized now how important it was to get a prognosis gennaro had a cousin who was a doorman at san gennaro hospital in the Bronx of Naples so the next day we arrived at San gennaro hospital to meet tonnino I had met him in the summer in Paestum lovely guy, I got assessed after a half an hour and the doctor prescribed me Antibiotics to fight any infection he told me to take them 5 days and return to see the progress. three days in the Pain was still easier but the fever was still 43–44 we returned that morning I hadn’t properly slept for 2 weeks and I was not eating hardly at all taken little fluids to stay hydrated which was impossible with the fever. A specialist saw me and saw that I was leaning alot to the left he prodded me to the side of my back I jumped up in ascruciating pain he then told us to go immediately to have an ultra sound there the doctor squirted the cold gell onto my stomach and started the process he stopped in a certain area and looked up at me and said this is very serious u need to be operated on immediately! My first thought was I need to phone home my family knew I hadn’t been well but not to worry them I played it down. Gennaro and Veronica were waiting outside the room I said I need to go to be operated on but I have to call home my mum answered and I said mum I need to be operated on its an infection but don’t worry I love u and will phone u after thinking oh my god please help me I kissed Veronica and told her I loved her vey much and not to worry, I was rushed down to theatre on a bed and was told to sign a disclaimer form I did and was worried for my life lying there I prayed to God and my gran Maria and my grandad jim for help I thought about life for a second but had to stay mentally strong I needed to survive I thought of my family and of course Veronica who had been amazing. The anesthesiologist put a needle in my arm and my last thought were nan please help me! I felt close to my Italian nan and grandad seeing I was living in Naples as that was were their love and our love began. I woke dozy and freezing cold tremoring uncontrollably I was wheeled into anward and transfred to a bed I had a needle in my neck with a thin tube and another needle in my wrist I felt a pain in my throat and realized I had a tube in my nostrils which went to my stomach to take away any acid there was a bag attached to my side I looked down with pain in my nostrils and my throat felt like I had something stuck in inside I looked down and saw two drainage bags with a yellow substance inside Franco Veronicas uncle was by my side with Veronica and gennaro I asked for a drink i was so thirsty ! But I was nil by mouth then the most tremendous pain struck me like an hgv lorry below in my tummy I realized I had to call my mum so I did and reassured her that I was ok. The pain seemed to increase in was given a plastic ball which was attached to the vein in my wrist and told to shake it to release the pain relief but this didn’t even touch the sides. What I really needed was gas and air ! Pain relief in Italy is not as heavy than in england. I looked down at the scare which was slightly open at the bottom to be manually scweezed by the doctor to release any extra puss which built up on top of the wound. I kept asking for fluids but was only given a wet bit of cotton wool to suck on my digestive system needed to repose. Still in agony lying on the bed with this constant heavy tube in my nose I felt like a fish caught on the end of a fishing line! I had no choice but to lye there looking at the ceiling. I then heared talking. And realised there were other people in the ward intact there were another 4 Ill people one in particular called testa that was his surname I don’t remember his first name he was a fishmonger from Naples nobody seemed to know what was wrong with him accept he had a sore just beneath his scrotum another who had an appendix removed called Antonio and Giovanni who had a lump removed from his back. I asked Veronica what the procedure was that I had she said there was a massive infection and the appendix had been consumed by the infection then the doctor came in and said it was the worst burst appendix he had ever seen and it was lucky I was still here basically they had to call upon the leading surgeon and all the others to save me and said they had to drain liters of puss and infection from my stomach which was rising up past my liver and kidney towards my lungs and the reason the previous scans didn’t show anything was because it was hidden between my kidney and liver. Now I understood how lucky I was. Every doctor was saying we caught u by the skin of Ur teeth. Or in Italian per un pelo. By one hair which means the same. That night I didn’t sleep at all the pain was too much i called out for more pain relief but nothing other than a new ball was available. Franco was still by my side talking which was so nice and important I told him when I get better I would buy a lemon soda and drink it all in one go, I was more than thirsty remember it had been almost two weeks since I ate it drank anything substantial. The next morning Veronica was coming at around 9.30 I asked Franco the time it was only 5 in the morning! Veronica had been my saviour theses past few weeks being so strong for me even though she was petrified inside it didn’t show, her eyes again lit the whole room up even for the others with me.9.30 came and Veronica walked in looking amazing it was still very hot in Naples in early September I kept trying to look up at her but the nose tube limited me I tried to turn to one side but was restricted by this fucking nose tube! It was ok Veronica stood by bedside over me so I could see her. The pain. Felt as if someone was stabbing me with a knife and twisting it inside the pain was unbearable still unable to move my head I became very low. The head doctor came to my side and explained he needed to inspect the wound he then squeezed hard either side of the wound I yelled out loud as the puss came pouring out the smell was awful. He then checked the gastric bag which had little fluids inside, my tummy was so swollen it was like I was pregnant and the doctor explained I would need to change it I was a bit confused but as soon. As he said it Veronica and gennaro were escorted out of the room and a nurse came in and took the old tube out he was holding a new one then restrained me while inserting it through my nose I screamed with pain he kept saying swallow swallow and I did it I could feel every single second it went down from top of my larynx to the osoogus and down finally it was over and Veronica came in with gennaro I had tears in my eyes and felt like I had been assulted. The nights gennaro would sleep next to me and clean me and care for me, in Italy the relations look after their lives ones, night after night gennaro would be by my bedside bless him he was amazing even though he was woeking in the room there started to be a bad smell testa was being looked at and everyone accept myself were asked to leave the room. They were looking at the would which by this time was in a terrible state the stench which was coming over from him was like nothing I have ever smelt before like stinking bishop cheese ! I was told he was being eaten alive. Poor guy his moaning was one of torture ! Gianni the oldest in patient in the room kept my spirits alive talking to me in a realty caring way he was incredibly positive. Antonio who was very funny kept telling jokes in his neopolitan dialect which I became to understand quite well. A few days past and I was told I could try to stand up I refused knowing there was no way I could do it but the boys were cheering for me so I tried and felt sheer pain like I was going to explode the deep burning sensation was immense. I never give up so hanging on to the bed and Veronica began to put my legs over the bed the doctors lifted me up bent over I stayed on my feet for a few minutes but the pain was too much to handle down I went again.i kept asking them to take out the gastric tube because it was giving me a really sore throat from the way it was shoved down my throat. Again testa was to be cleaned the same rancid stench wofted over at this point his body was being eaten alive by maggots I felt for him but I was already battling my sickness and my stomach was upside down already. It was later arranged that I was to be moved to the other room I was so close to Gianni and Antonio that seeing there were three beds free they could come with me to stay. The trouble staying around those two was the pain from laughing so much. These guys pulled me through the pain and despair they were constantly joking with gennaro and Veronica the nurse was amazing I forgave him for shoving the tube down my throat by then. I was taken to have an x-ray to scan my lungs and torso it went well even if I felt like I was only using half the capacity. The scan was all clear with no fluid on the lungs I was wheeled back to my ward to find Gianni packing his bags. Giannini was ready to leave the hospital I welled up and cried uncontrollably, I was really upset, but he said he would keep in touch and left his number with gennaro. The days went by slowly until it was my turn to check out, we got back home to Veronicas house I had lost a stone half in weight and was still feeling fragile and quite ill I gathered strength day by day putting on some good weight a couple of weeks later I was signed off by the doctors at the hospital and returned back home to my parents and family in England Veronica came with me and we enjoyed spending time with family and friends. The two weeks flew by and we headed back to naples, Veronica’s mum went for a scan on her breast she had found a lump on her breast, we drove down to the scanning clinic and she went in we waited nervously for the results which were analised there and then, the news wasn’t good they had found a what they thought was a cancerous lump the doctor confirmed it looked very much like a malignant tumour. The following week Maria pia was booked in to test the lymph nodes and a sample of the tumour. Test results showed a malignant tumour which luckily hadn’t spread elsewhere. The weeks to come were awfu taking Maria pia to have chemo and waiting for hours to pick her up myself and Veronica were doing all we could, gennaro was working and we looked after guissppe as well as we could. Roberta was only 17 and still at the teenage years of thinking about her own lifes trials and tribulations after all she was at a very impressionable age. Maria pia was very sick and losing her hair she was so strong and carried on smiling through everything, gennaro was very quite and pensive. Over the next few weeks we could see his behaviour change towards everyone his attitude was negative and was short tempered. I would take little Giuseppe to school in the mornings and pick him up at lunch time, Veronica cooked and looked after the house and Maria pia. The next few months were hard and maria pia gave us all strength smiling the whole way threw, she was at the end of her three months of chemo and radio therapy. Myself and Veronica had been looking at houses to buy and decided to set off to bagni di lucca nr pisa which was a long way from naples we wanted to do b & b we set off in the car and headed for pisa it was July and extremely hot! We travelled through Rome and up to tuscany, we had a great time it was an escape from all the stress back in naples our relationship had been put under lots of pressure and we put everything before our relationship. This was our time, we viewed a few beautiful houses which had potential to turn into a B&B Florence was stunning and sienna too. Our escapism came to an end and we arrived in naples the family felt the void we had left but were very excited to hear our adventures. Maria pia was in remission and her hair was growing back myself and Veronica decided to look to buy a house closer to naples near where we first met in paestum. Agropoli was a lovely town on the cilento coast with its medieval town at the top overlooking the port, we looked in at an estate agency in the town and they told us there was a villa for sale 3k away in torchiara we looked at the villa and really liked it it was half way up the hill from torchiara which was a little town on the hills of cilento over looking the cilento coast it was facing the sea and we could see the old town directly in the distance the villa had three double bedrooms and a hugeopen planned living room and kitchen great for when relatives and family come over, my house in Northampton sold a few months before actually I sold it to my dad who rented it out. The price was £135.000 which was £90. 000 at that point in 2003 luckily the exchange rate was excellent. Now the euro is almost pound to euro. The sale went through and we moved in the villa in April 2003 I was traning with agropoli calcio on the Italian 3rd division. Again things didn’t work out, there was no reason just no money there to spend on new players… I met claudio whilst traning with agropoli he looked a bit like a gypsy to be honest bearded scruffy type with receding long hair wrapped up in a pony tail, he was larger than life with a bellowing voice u could hear from a mile away we instantly became friends and I coached the children at his football school which was great! They all knew were I played by looking me up on Google and I also showed them all the football articals and photos everyone wanted a piece of me in fact I had alot of people in football. Wanting me to go for trial games here and there I was getting tired of this as I didn’t really know them I became increasingly more demoralised with football I wasn’t working as such and we had a mortgage on our house Veronica was homesick and I was too. From naples and England. It was sprjng time and one day we were standing in our garden there was an amazing jasmine plant which was blossoming and the perfume was gorgeous, standing there sun on our faces 20 degrees looking far into the distance at the amalfi coast and the stunning mountains which hid the sorrento naples bay. I daud to Veronica when we have a child we should cal her jasmine! She said yep when and if it’s a girl?? Which I replied it will be and how about jasmine?, she smiled and said yes that’s a lovely idea. Weeks passed and I slumped into a depression feeling low and sleepy the only commitment was coaching the kids of claudio which wasn’t always easy the 7y olds were not very well behaved at times but listened to my coaching although it would break down at times when they argued amongst one another. Enough was enough it was April and I couldn’t go on any longer I had to back to England to recover I was playing football with torchira calcio and getting paid 100£,a game that was the only money coming in and the bills were triple that alone the mortgage was 500 month which was being paid by my dad and I couldn’t have him paying for it. I returned home tired and feeling a failure Veronica returned to naples to be with her family I had an open ticket so I didn’t know when I would be well enough to return, after a week Veronica came over to England to spend some time with me and the family it was good and we managed to see some friends and spend some quality time together my depression lifted and the thought of returning to torchiara daunted me I had left our house left the football club and made my excuses as always when suffering from my mental condition it made me feel under pressure to return I told them I had a thyroid condition, Veronica left for naples i stayed in 🏴. I returned home from a run one day the following week mum mum said matt I’ve got some news do u want to sit down? I thought what the fuck is this news where I should sit down, my mum didn’t look serious and was not tearful so I didn’t panic she said Veronica has just spoke to me she’s pregnant!! I instantly jumped up with joy and said is it 100%!? In which my mum replied very! I was excited about the future but my mum was tearful she was worried that she wouldn’t see our baby grow up being brought up in Italy, I reassured her that it would be OK and we could visit frequently. I returned to naples a couple of days later to be with Veronica and prepare for the future with a precious new life with our child to be jasmine was due in August we headed back to torchiara and decided to move in with Veronicas mum and dad and the little guiseepe, naples life was uncountable living with the family Roberta was still at home and I slept in the sofa bed in the living room, after a couple of months I was getting increasingly depressed and having periods of anxiety the traffic the lack of work and the thought of bringing up our baby in naples was killing me. Again time ti rest and I flew back to England to spend some time out! The rest seemed to do me a world of good Veronica traveld to spend some time with me and mum and dad we went down to see uncle Eric who had recently returned from working in the bank along side my dad for many years, he was always part of our life and me and him even ran a half marathon together years ago. He bought a house with his partner down in Devon it was a beautiful place he was a great character and all us kids loved him when we were young. It was time for Veronica and her big bump to go back to naples we gave birth to the most beautiful baby jasmine was born 7august 2005 a very hot summer I was a very proud father. The first few weeks were tough bringing a baby up in a tiny appartament with four of us and Maria pia and geenaro. The most important thing was there was loads of love for us and even at the birth we had at least 20family and friends eagerly waiting for the arrival of jasmine strange but this was naples! In fact everyone was so helpful and the love was huge we had amazing support from everyone. Again my mental illness returned mum and dad came over to visit when jasmine was born and mum was in her element holding jasmine and spending time at te hospital with Veronica. The first time I held jasmine I was petrified what if I was harming her in some way? We traveld to paestum to escape the sweltering heat of the city. I was having all these irrational thoughts about harming her in some way maybe because I was a smoker some how the smoke was going in to her lungs, I was imagining the smoke traveling from somewhere far where I had been smoking irrational as it was it was very destressing. I became so ill. I was ringing my mum up at least every couple of hours askjng her if this could be real she as always responded with a reassuring explanation and comforted me by saying it was impossible. It got so bad I had to get on a plane and come home very relunctly as jasmine e was only a couple of weeks old. Rest time again my head was all. Over the place worried sick thinking I had harmed the most precious thing in my life. The thoughts were subsiding and time with my brothers and mum and dad was mending me. I had to get better for Veronica also I needed to be close to the both of them. I was getting back to running again which was an excellent therapy for anxiety and depression, then came one day out of the blue I got up and had a bit of breakfast my mum came in the room with a plate of eclares and asked me how many were on the plate? I counted three she replied no how many? I felt like she was testing me in some way like she didn’t believe me it wasn’t her fault but I bolted picked up the car keys and shot off in the Peugeot 306 I didn’t know where I was going but headed to henley my mindset was that somehow u was being investigated and followed by the secret service! I drove through henley and then stopped the car to ask directions it was a taxi driver he had an ear piece and I asked him directions to the argyll pub which I knew were it was I thought I could throw the secret service of my track it was now clear in my mind he was part of it. I had never seen these Bluetooth handsets before not I Italy it was 2005 so they were quite new. I headed off to the town car park stopped the car. Vans obsessively stared to check the tyres all four and repeated this several times I then saw in my head a clown appear what the fuck!!! I haven’t got a phopia of clowns so I thought it was quite strange but plaussable I guess then a guy dressed as a baseball referee and I chuckled to myself, the argyll pub was just at the back of the car park so I made my way back on foot avoiding the pub and got to a bar called bar med I didn’t have any money on me or ciggeettes butbthe nice barman gave me Water I chatted then made my way to another pub angel on the bridge lovely pub on the river Thames I sat down outside but having money I just Sat there there was a man and a women sitting on the table next to me and I thought I could hear them talking about me I was hearing hem saying he’s not right and this constant whispering paranoia was well. And truly a big issue and what I didn’t know is that I was entering psychosis.