Every day at lunchtime Alex unlocks the white metal cupboard on the wall. The cupboard is about as big as two of my lunchboxes or if I was using what I learned in maths I would say two times as big as my lunchbox. No kids are allowed to open the cupboard even though I know where the key is but I don’t want to go in the cupboard and plus I couldn’t reach.
Every day at lunchtime Alex gets a bag out of the cupboard that is shaped like a toy cow and he gets a spoon out of the toy cow and also a packet of tablets and then he goes out of the classroom and comes back with a spoonful of yoghurt which he gives to Noah. When Noah eats the yoghurt Alex says thank you even though he is the one who gave Noah something.
Noah is no fun before recess and Noah is a lot of fun after recess but Noah is no fun again after lunch. Noah is funny because he is naughty but I am funny because I am funny. I say funny things but Noah does naughty things that people think are funny. Sometimes he is fun but sometimes he is annoying. Sometimes he comes to school being extra funny but then Alex does a phone call and gives him yoghurt before it is even recess time.
When I ask Alex why Noah has the yoghurt he reminds me that everybody is at this school for different reasons and I remember that my reason is because I get angry. I think Noah is here because he is naughty and rude. Sometimes I am rude but when I am rude Alex tells me why it was rude so I know not to be rude that way again.
I wish I had yoghurt that would stop me being angry like how Noah has yoghurt that stops him being naughty. I do want to stop being angry but I don’t want to stop being funny.
Alex laughs at all of my jokes and he will even laugh at them if I say them more than once and sometimes he laughs at things that I didn’t think were funny but he thinks that they are funny so I guess they must be funny. I am trying to say more things like the things he thinks are funny but sometimes it is hard to be funny on purpose.
Alex laughs at everybody’s jokes but I can tell when it is a real laugh and when it isn’t a real laugh. Sometimes I see Alex get annoyed and I know it is because people aren’t listening to him because I also get annoyed when people aren’t listening to me.
Alex likes to play with us and if anyone needs a break they always ask Alex because I think he always wants a break too. I don’t need breaks because when people have a break they run around outside and I just want to sit down. If I need a break I just wear my hat and I think about Super Mario Odyssey on the Nintendo Switch and I think about Batman and and then I blow a spit bubble.
Alex knows a lot about Batman and I think he knows more about Batman than me but he says I know more about Batman than him and that makes me feel proud. I think we know different things about Batman because he is older than me.
Alex is as old as my brother and Gina is as old as my Mum but Ms. Lord is a teacher. Ms. Lord is nice but she is bad at computers and Gina is nice but she is bad at maths. Ms. Lord is from New Zealand and sometimes when we get a question right she does a dance and asks us to give her some skin but she actually wants a high five.
It is after lunch and we are having a class meeting and I am wearing my hat and Alex asks me to take off my hat. We have filled up our random acts of kindness chart so we are going to have a class party and we are going to decide what movie to watch and it is down to Wallace & Gromit or The Lego Batman Movie. We are about to do a vote when Noah starts being silly. It is not funny and I am blowing a spit bubble.
Alex is looking at Noah and he is having a whisper to Gina and Gina is shaking her head and Alex looks at Ms. Lord and she shakes her head and now Alex is going to the white metal cupboard on the wall and doing a smile that is not a real smile.
Noah doesn’t want his yoghurt even though he didn’t have any at lunchtime and he is running around and I am getting angry because I want to do the vote. Ms. Lord is trying to do the vote but no one is listening and it is making me annoyed.
Everyone is laughing at Noah but Noah isn’t being funny and I shout can we please do the vote? and Noah says if you vote for Batman then you are dumb so I kick Noah very hard in his leg and now I am upset because now I am in trouble so I cry and I throw my drink bottle and I sit in the box of cushions and I think about Batman and when I look up at the classroom it is empty except for Alex.
He says why do we fall Bruce? and I say so that we can learn to pick ourselves up and I am excited to be old enough to watch that Batman movie. Alex says it is okay to get angry but it is important to learn how to calm down and I know that he is right. I hope that I will remember how to be calm the next time I am angry.
The class votes to watch Wallace & Gromit so I ask Alex if I am suspended and he says unfortunately yes. I say that is okay because I am going to watch The Lego Batman Movie at home and Alex does a real laugh. I don’t care if the class doesn’t like Batman but I care if they tell me I am dumb for liking Batman. When I tell Alex that it is okay that different people like different things he gives me a high five and he doesn’t ask me for my skin.
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Five terrible tattoos — none that I had planned. I have not fulfilled my contract.
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Matt Young is a writer, comedian, and two-time university dropout. He enjoys reading self-help manuals, watching TV shows developed by Jason Katims, and listening to white noise. When he’s not writing, Matt is either educating children with behavioural disorders or performing absurdist sketch comedy.