Fuck Your Fake Christmas Lights

Seriously, you fucking quitter. You should be ashamed of yourself.

People, we have a lot of problems right now. We have yet another American president who didn’t win the popular vote, further widening the ravine between the left and right in this country. Across the pond, a bunch of idiots passed Brexit and then immediately started googling “what is the EU?”. We’ve lost way too many amazing singers and actors this year. Freaking Snape, guys. Freaking Shepard Book. It’s just…the worst. 2016 has been pretty much the worst ever.

So I guess it’s fitting that this would be the year when everyone in America just gives up completely on life and decides to make fake Christmas lights. Yep, because that’s the kind of year 2016 has been: the kind of year when a projector sending rotating red and green dots up against the side of your brick four bedroom passes as fucking Christmas decorations. Ridiculous.

I’m fat. I’m lazy. I understand fat and lazy behavior. But even I got my fat, lazy ass out into the front yard and draped two strings of colored Christmas lights over my bushes. Does it look particularly good? No, not really, but it looks a shit ton better than your POS fake Christmas lights that you bought off an infomercial.

Oh my god! It looks like real lights!

Really? Like…really? Stop lying to yourself. I know 2016 has done permanent damage to your soul, but are you really so far gone that you actually think a faded green and red blob that annoyingly pulsates over your gutter and windows looks even remotely like Christmas lights? I’ve lost a lot of faith in humanity this year, but this is the last straw.

So if you have one of these dumb ass creations meant to be the final step in our collective descent into madness, do us all a favor and destroy it. Below are five suggestions for how to rid the world of this mechanical white flag that you’re shamelessly waving in your front yard.

1) Get in your Prius and run that thing over repeatedly while blasting “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” and chugging a peppermint latte.

2) Wrap it tightly in actual Christmas lights until its vague Christmas-colored fog is no longer visible to the neighbors who absolutely deserve better.

3) Mail it to Donald Trump. It’s exactly the kind of gaudy ass shit he’ll be doing at the White House next year. Let’s just save him the money.

4) Set it ablaze with a Molotov cocktail of eggnog, peppermint schnapps, and the tears of everyone who wishes 2016 was just the worst, longest nightmare in history.

5) Travel to Cuba and bury that abomination at the grave of Fidel Castro. He deserves to continue being vexed by America in the afterlife.

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. Kwanzaa. Festivus. Yule. Whatever. I hope it’s happy as shit. I hope you eat too many cinnamon rolls, get hammered, and forget about all the shit that’s made 2016 a nuclear train wreck into a glass castle full of puppies. I really, really do.

But fuck your fake Christmas lights. Seriously. Your house looks like it has a Christmas-themed venereal disease.