All the social isolation I have faced because of my Asperger’s has caused me for years to fantasize someday in future where I would be surrounded by supportive and cool friends. These would be people who would look past my social awkwardness and see the worthy individual I truly am.
Honestly, with my track record of people who I find interesting seeing only my “annoyingness” or staying in my life for only a short time and the strong difficulty I have with connecting with people, I’m starting to think that a social butterfly lifestyle isn’t really something I’ll being able to accomplish.
I’m really not angry anymore the people who have shit on me now I that I’m aware of my Asperger’s. It’s really a waste of energy and time anyways to get angry at people who don’t give a damn about how you feel.
I tried to reinvent myself when I came to college, before I was just the super awkward girl who said and liked “weird” things and had no friends. Coming into my Freshman year, I decided I was going to be an extrovert. I tried clubs, activism, parties and sex with many partners. The more I tried to deny my real identity, the unhappier and depressed I became. Although I was not aware that I had Asperger’s at the time, I lost my real interests (the obsessions) and thus, my true self because of how much I focused on being someone I wasn’t. My grades also suffered severely because of that fake lifestyle.
I think the glamorization of “being popular” and the depiction of people with few friends as “pathetic” in the media definitely has played a role in developing my insecurity about not really having friends. That kind of social stuff I’m sure is awesome for some people, but I’m now realizing that there’s nothing wrong if I end up having a more introverted life in the future.
I used to get so depressed about having such a lonely life, but now that I have my boyfriend (another very introverted individual) I’m realizing that I don’t need to party and go out with friends every week to have fun. He’s very supportive and giving and while I work to better my relationship with my mom and sister, I’m learning that I already have a decent support system. Honestly, allistic people can have being social because I finally realized that just because I may live a more introverted life doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. I understand that labels can’t help everyone, but finding out last month that I have Aspergers has been some of the best news ever for me. I’m so lucky that I’ve finally realized the mistakes I’ve made for the past 3 years of college and right now, I'm taking a year off from school to find myself again.