Sweet talk: Why do I keep counting All these things that I’ve done (?)

“How do you feel?”, quite often we make us the same question before going to sleep. But this time is different. We both know that. It’s been a very particular year for many reasons. But specially for the second part of it, we could say that it was “Wonderful wonderful”. We begin the year with the wrong foot, but maybe it was necessary in order to put an end on that matter. And we did. “Get this weight of my shoulders. I carried it well”. We have eased our mind. I think that we finally have learn how to manage it. “Keep my eyes from the fire. They can’t handle the flame”. It might be the longest period, and is great. Our will remains strong enough.

August came with a “new” factor –well, an old acquaintance–. And September finally put us back in track. It was very stupid to wait so long for that, though it seemed reasonable. That’s not the major point. We weren’t expecting the other element. It was pathetic. And the solely thing we were thinking was: “Oh, come on, you gotta be kidding me! Please…”. We even went back there. Once in home, we were wishing it to be like that. Curiosity was killing us. Until the light appeared and left us blind. Is ridiculously how happy we were. Probably, that was the semester’s cornerstone.

It was about a lot of feelings that came at the same time. There lies the reason why we dedicated so much time to that. We already knew that it would help vastly academically and to the “local” GPA version, but we had another reason over there. The anxiety was driving us mad. A permanent state of “it can be that day”, “it’s going to be tomorrow”, “definitely today”. As a motivation, leaving aside all the circus that it was generating in our head, it was great. We were very happy with the first result; we treasured it, not for what we obtain, it wasn’t atypical. It was due to the meaning we gave it. When we got to tell our name, that was marvelous. Everything was turning out to be as we wanted, not just with that. The problem was that it began to absorb our time. It was nearly impossible keeping it out of our mind.

Sadly, sometimes things start to change. We desired more result like the first one, and it didn’t seemed very hard. Eventually, anxiety turned against us (I know, not that surprising). Our patience filled up. And we change the positive attitudes we had towards it into negative ones. Ironically, we got released for something that in other circumstances only would have reinforced the previous effect on us. Is obvious that it was a sort of defense mechanism. We knew that it wasn’t good, and we needed to put an end on it. However, we also had good reasons. Went too far with it. We felt mocked. Anyway, is better not to focus too much in the last part. We were harmed and our thoughts emanated from that. So we must rescue the lessons learn and be grateful to the ones we learn from directly or not, whether they’ve wanted us to go with it or not. Despite everything, proved to be worth it. Now I’m hoping and begging not have exposed. I don’t think that all what we’ve done this last months around the issue has been clever.

The year that just went was fantastic. The tide is quiet. It’s just a matter of time. We have to let it grow inside and deal with it once the conditions be the ones. “If I only knew the answer. If I change my way of living”. I don’t know. Time will tell. For now, we only have to wait. I’m afraid that it will take too many years. That’s the price we’ve got to pay. “When there’s nowhere else to run, Is there room for one more son? One more son”. I can’t see where we’ll be in the future; nevertheless, I deeply expect that when the image appears happiness be there. “I want to stand up, I want to let go. You know, you know. No, you don’t, you don’t”. Eight years is not a time that I’d like to wait. Youth passes by, but I don’t have what it takes to give a step forward, so it could be eight, twelve or more. Maybe is not that bad, it give us time to find direction to (some) perfection. “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier”. Let’s be honest. We must not fool ourselves, it may never happen… and it scares me. “Time, truth and hearts”. Thank you so much, 2017.

Oh, right, how do I feel? Tired, mostly.

Lima, 01/01/2018.

P.S.: Maybe we should thank the congressman. Despite he assited just to one class and a half. We wouldn’t know of this if it wasn’t for him. Medium seems cool. I doubt that it be as popular as Twitter, so maybe not many people has a clue of it’s existance. I like that. This will be our private pensieve.

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