If You Were Drunk and In a Room Full of Everyone You Ever Loved
I follow the “berlin-artparasites” account on Facebook and recently one of the pictures they posted was accompanied by a message similar to this: “I wonder whose arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved”. Now I have to make the disclaimer that I don’t think I ever was really drunk — maybe tipsy 2 or 3 times only in my life. It also does not mean that if you are drunk and in that room, you’d have to run into someone’s arms. You may just sit there in a corner. However, it’s that type of a post that breaks your work routine and gets you over-thinking (at least for me it does). Let’s just consider you’re in that room and destined to run into someone’s arms, based solely on your feelings, not rational thinking, because you’re drunk and that should be the excuse for you being able to act irrational.
Who would that room include for you? Your family, your lover, some ex-lovers, your friends, maybe some people that were very dear to you but are now dead? Those are all people that this made me think of and I quickly found myself on an emotional carrousel.
I guess I would start with my family. I am on good terms with them, we care about each other. I could however never really open up to them much, particularly because they don’t seem to be able to relate to most of my interests / passions. So I avoid talking about those, just actively listen to / engage in the conversations they start. My parents always wanted me to be able to stand up for myself and manage to do things on my own, not be dependent on them — when I was a kid emotionally and later on financially. But they also wanted me to learn to work with others in order to perform at work, thus pushing me to be less introvert than I would have probably been. They would not hug me too often not even when I was a kid. So I would have no instinct to run into their arms as I feel it’s unusual. But they wanted me to be sociable with people I did not feel the need to be. That upbringing did however trigger an unexpected result. I was sick of having to be nice to everyone but not speak my mind. I got sick of having to do business cases for anything I wanted to do since I was a kid. I saw people in the movies kissing their kids good night and I was begging my parents for that sort of a thing, but they almost never agreed, considering it would be spoiling me too much. So since their affection was somewhat forbidden, instead of growing up as a rather unaffectionate person, I felt the need to find someone whom I could act affectionate with and shower with all my love, unconditionally. As a child I wanted an incredibly strong friendship bond — but that was not really happening. Even as a child, a person would generally only go so far for their friends. And it’s normal, so I felt it was inappropriate to ask for more. Not that I wanted people to jump into a fire or anything of that sort. But I wanted them to be very open and less selfish, to put others first like I used to do at that age. What is more, I wasted my good will unconditionally on people who sometimes were abusing it. With time I learned to steer away from those people. And as I grew up I could find more of what I was looking for in lovers. At least partially and especially if they had similar emotional needs and were people ready to open up and be vulnerable in the same way, just to get a deep connection with someone. Now looking back, it makes me feel kind of bad that at the time I started relationships I thought it’s all unconditional, but sometimes it seems now it was like a win-win emotional trade-off … to make us both feel like we belonged somewhere that felt right and where we could just be ourselves, be uninhibited. I am not even sure it is the past I am talking about, I still do that in some ways and then don’t we all do that at least a bit?
So there starts the debate again, this time about if our good intended actions are as good intended/selfless as they seem or actually still selfish, because there is at least an emotional gain (you feel good that you did a good thing)? Oh the old story with the “ is human nature good or bad”? I often think it is neither… The world, it seems to me, is not all black and white as some philosophers have tried sometimes to describe it, in order to simplify concepts. It’s not all binary… Even if some may try to define human types and say there are only 10 types of people or personalities etc. in the world … good and bad? :P … No, it is not even a whole palette of grays . It is a full color spectrum with many color variations that our eyes and mind can’t even fully perceive. So that’s why in fact, it’s really hard to apply some rules and values. Because every situation and person has different circumstances.
So don’t judge me, but it would be really hard for me to choose someone from that room. I’d have to actually be there and see where my instincts would take me. Because thinking of it rationally now, I can’t choose. Mainly all the people I ever loved, I still love them. And even if I kind of hate a few, that’s still a very strong feeling and underneath there may be a need to reconcile just to gain peace of mind.
Since I describe myself as a melomaniac, I decided I’ll try to add to each post a song/piece, the one of my mood when writing these posts. So here is my first one — and please don’t judge my choice, just a few lyrics may fit, but I have already excused myself about having a hard time choosing stuff in this post :P :