Songs of the Season, Part I: The Cellar Dwellers
There is perhaps no better way to distill the feeling of a memory, of a hyper-specific place and moment in time, than through music. Singers ranging from Billy Joel to Eric Church have included the conveniently sounding “melody” and “memory” pairing in songs, and we eat it up every time. The MLB season is long, and 162 games are a lot to take in. So, in honor of the regular season ending and the postseason getting underway, I’m going to do my best to distill the seasons of all 30 teams into 30 songs. I’m sure I’ll get some pushback from the six people that end of reading this, but while I tried to use songs that can appeal to everyone, a lot will come from oldies and Dad Rock. I recommend playing the songs as you read to really set the mood. Now, without further ado… the worst that the MLB had to offer this season:
30. Detroit Tigers (47–115, Last in AL Central) — “One,” Three Dog Night
Poor Miguel Cabrera. The former AL MVP and triple crown winner is the last man standing from the competitive era of Detroit baseball, and now it’s just getting sad. To be fair, Cabrera is no longer the superstar he once was, and age has taken a toll. But YIKES was this season ugly in Detroit. I can only imagine that the march to a 47–115 is accompanied by sour piano notes and constant reminders of your crushing loneliness, so Three Dog Night gets the nod here (with the assist to Harry Nilsson).
Let’s run through some numbers, because you don’t just win 47 games by accident. The Tigers leading home run hitter in 2019, Brandon “Bandit” Dixon, only hit 15 dingers for the season. He also slashed .248/.290/.435 which, without getting too in the weeds, isn’t great. Miggy led the team in RBI with a paltry 59, but that’s what you would expect on a team that scored the fewest runs in the big leagues. Things didn’t go much better on the mound for the Tigers, though their 5.24 team ERA wasn’t quite the worst in the MLB. Matthew Boyd led the pitching staff with nine wins. NINE. His 9–12 record and 4.56 ERA stands out as one of the only “bright” spots in the Tigers’ rotation. Only four players (including Boyd) made more than 20 starts for the Tigers in 2019. Their records? 9–12, 3–17, 3–13, 1–13. That’s a combined 16–55. Again, won’t bog you down with advanced analytics, but that is AWFUL.
So, back to the main point: the Tigers were very, very bad, and have (maybe) hit rock bottom after almost a decade of relevance in the AL Central. It wasn’t so long ago that the Tigers were feared in the American League, as Dave Dombrowski built an annual contender starring Cabrera, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer and a whole host of other superstars. Now, Miggy can only watch as his former teammates play in meaningful games and win World Series rings, as he languishes in the Motor City. He has become, in essence, the Will Smith meme:
29. Baltimore Orioles (54–108, Last in AL East) — “The Sound of Silence,” Simon & Garfunkel
Hello Darkness, my old friend. The Orioles weren’t the worst team in Major League Baseball this year, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. The O’s followed up an abysmal 47–115 season from 2018 with a slightly-improved 54–108. Maybe, just maybe, players like Adley Rutschman (1st overall pick in 2019) can make this tank job worth it, similarly to how the Astros cratered before going on their current run of success. It just takes a strong constitution to wallow through multiple seasons of such ineptitude.
Unlike the Tigers, though, there were some real bright spots this year. Rookie starter John Means was getting some serious Rookie of the Year buzz before slugger Yordan Alvarez starting hitting moonshots in Houston. Means put together a solid first campaign, going 12–11 with a 3.60 ERA. Compared to how the rest of the staff pitched, that performance looks Cy Young-worthy. At the plate, right fielder Trey Mancini had himself a career year (.291, 35 HR, 97 RBI), and third baseman Renato Nunez chipped in 31 home runs of his own. If it is true that “the night is always darkest before the dawn,” maybe the Orioles actually are on their way up.
HOWEVER, this was still a shitty year in Baltimore. And “The Sound of Silence” is a wildly appropriate soundtrack to the season, especially given the cinematic history behind the song. For the unfamiliar, here is the last scene of the fantastic 1969 film The Graduate:
This is how I have to imagine team flights for Baltimore went this season. Means, Mancinci and Nunez all celebrating after a win. Maybe Mancini went yard. Maybe Means struck out 10. They board the plane, ecstatic, thrilled, with high hopes for the future. And then they remember: They’re on the Baltimore Orioles.
Hello Darkness, my old friend.
28. Miami Marlins (57–105, Last in NL East) — “Help!”, The Beatles
First, a fun little story about this song. Some people learn about the Beatles because their tweed-jacket wearing fathers sit them down in front of a record player and put on Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band every night before bed (or something). And some people hear a bunch of Beatles songs across mediocre children’s movies growing up, and then one day someone cooler than them in middle school says, “The Beatles are the greatest band of all time,” and they nod along but then run home and look up The Beatles on Limewire (because they weren’t on iTunes) and realize they do, in fact, know who the Beatles are. Anyways, I was obviously in the latter category, and so I will always associate “Help!” with the movie Cheaper By The Dozen. For the uninformed, the plot is basically that Steve Martin does a terrible job trying to wrangle 12 children while coaching a Division-III football team (as an aside: this movie features some of the shittiest older siblings of all-time.) And that’s kind of what the Miami Marlins franchise feels like.
For the purposes of this analogy, Starlin Castro will be Steve Martin, and Derek Jeter is the asshole older brother who doesn’t help at all. Castro has been a very good if not spectacular player for his entire career, and yet he keeps getting traded when something better comes along. After being supplanted in Chicago by Addison Russell, Castro was the “centerpiece” of the deal that sent former Marlins star (and NL MVP) Giancarlo Stanton to the Yankees. Castro then had to sit idly by while Jeter and Co. slashed payroll and broke up the best outfield in baseball for pennies on the dollar. Christian Yelich got traded to the Brewers and Marcell Ozuna got sent to the Cardinals, and to make matters worse, catcher JT Realmuto was sent to the Phillies a year later. Now, all that’s left is a 29-year old Castro trying to lead a group of misfits to mediocrity.
Now, the trouble with this analogy is that the Marlins aren’t particularly young. If they were trotting out a lineup of 21- and 22-year old up-and-comers, this situation may feel a little different. Instead, Castro is putting up solid numbers (.270, 22 HR, 86 RBI) on a team with no clear direction, very little young, exciting talent, and a shell of Curtis Granderson hitting.183. Jon Berti and Brian Anderson were fine this season, but no one is mistaking them for Alex Bregman and Carlos Correa. The Marlins organization is chaotic at best and intentionally bad at worst, and Castro is just sitting around trying to make sure the place doesn’t burn down.
Castro is no longer a young, brash, up-and-coming superstar. He needs someone, anyone, to help him if they can.
27. Kansas City Royals (59–103, 4th in AL Central) — “Dust In The Wind,” Kansas
In staying with the ultra-depressing theme of this group, I bring you one of the most unintentionally hilarious music videos of all time. Just four years ago, the Kansas City Royals went to their second straight World Series, and they returned home with a title. They nearly won in 2014, too, but ran into an unconscious Madison Bumgarner and the Giants even-year streak. Even then, Alex Gordon came within 90 feet of tying up that year’s Game Seven. Now, in a flash, the Royals find themselves in the 100-loss club once again.
Back in 2015, Kansas City was the paragon of team-building, especially for smaller market teams. Life comes at you fast. Just as quickly as it began, the Grit-N-Grind era (sorry, Memphis Grizzlies) ended in Kansas City. They were on top for a moment, and then the moment was gone.
The 2019 Royals have very little in common with the 2015 World Champions. Sure, Alex Gordon is still around, but he’s now hitting .266 with limited power, and is reportedly contemplating retirement. Former World Series MVP Salvador Perez missed all of 2019 following Tommy John surgery, hit just .235 in 2018, and appears to be much older than 29 years-old. Mike Moustakas, Lorenzo Cain and Eric Hosmer are all over in the National League. That team’s three-headed monster approach in the bullpen is employed by a large number of successful MLB teams, but Kansas City hasn’t found the same magic at the end of their bullpen. Looking up and down the roster, it isn’t a big surprise that they’ve fallen so far.
Now, it isn’t all bad in Kansas City. Right fielder Jorge Soler just led the American League by mashing 48 home runs. Whit Merrifield is still a model of consistency, despite the fact that you wouldn’t recognize him in line at the grocery store. And third baseman Hunter Dozier impressed with a .279/.348/.522 slash line and 26 home runs.
Maybe it’s time to get excited again in Kansas City. Maybe a division title will soon be within reach once again. But the Royals are a constant reminder of our own mortality, signaling that all good things must come to an end, and that they might not last as long as we would like.
26. Toronto Blue Jays (67–95, 4th in AL East) — “I’ll Be There For You,” The Rembrants
Finally, some good news! Yes, Toronto was worse than I (naively) expected them to be. Yes, their pitching is still a bit of a mystery, and steadfast ace Marcus Stroman is now in New York. No, it wasn’t the Blue Jays’ day, their month, or even their year. But the future has arrived in Toronto, and boy does it look bright.
The New Hampshire Fisher Cats, the Double-A affiliate of the Blue Jays, was perhaps a hotter ticket in 2018 than the big league club. MLB bloodlines were everywhere, and the team won a title on the back of a loaded roster that included the names Guerrero, Biggio and Bichette. This season, those three all got called up to the big leagues, and they all showed flashes of brilliance.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr., son of Hall of Fame outfielder Vladimir Guerrero, was perhaps the most-hyped prospect to make his big league debut since Bryce Harper. Admittedly, we all have short memories and forget what it felt like even last season as Ronald Acuna Jr. got called up, but something about Vladdy felt different. We’ve been watching him mash baseballs since he was 15, and he absolutely annihilated minor league pitching last season, hitting some of the loudest home runs I’ve ever heard on his way to hitting over .400. Vladdy Jr. had his ups and downs this season, and will eventually have to change his workout routine, but he has the pedigree to become a premiere big league hitter.
Cavan Biggio, son of Hall of Famer Craig, and Bo Bichette, son of former All-Star Dante, complete the trifecta of heralded prospects to debut in Toronto this year. Second baseman Biggio came up first, and while he only hit .234, he flashed big-time positional power with 16 HRs, and he even hit for the cycle at just 24 years old. Bichette, meanwhile, wasn’t called up until the end of the season, and he came out with a bang. If this brief stretch is any indication, the 21-year old Bichette could end up being a generational shortstop, and may be the best of the bunch. Regardless, the Blue Jays should feel confident in their infield of the future. All of this also completely ignores Lourdes Gurriel Jr., younger brother of the Astros’ Yuli Gurriel, and first baseman Rowdy Tellez, both of whom are already young contributors to this Blue Jays squad.
So no, the Blue Jays didn’t have a good season. But they have a core in place that could lead them to the Promised Land, as well as star in a network sitcom. I’d watch a show that had Guerrero, Bichette and Biggio all living together in a way-too-big Toronto apartment. I can only imagine streaming “The One Where Vlad Wins The Home Run Derby” or “The One Where Bo Hit All Those Doubles” on Netflix. Despite only winning 67 games this season, it should be all smiles about Toronto baseball.
Stay tuned to continue on with the soundtrack of the season…
