Dr. Otto Octavius at the Roast of Spiderman

Dais: Spiderman, Mary Jane, Uncle Ben, Doctor Octopus, the spider that bit Peter, Gwen Stacy, Wolverine, Captain America, Stan Lee, the Hulk, Jessica Jones, Deadpool (hosting)

Deadpool, your mind is as reliable as the reverse transcription of viral ribonucleic material into a host microorganism. To translate into your own idiom, Deadpool, you’re a dodo.

Thank you for having me tonight, the one token villain on this dais. Now I may be a hardened criminal but I’m still the highest scoring member of ratemyprofessor.com. And after the current administration’s cuts to the national science budget, I won’t be the only postdoctorate who turns to robbing banks to finance their work.

I’m so glad that both Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy are here so they can have a conversation with each other about something other than a man. With all the offensive material we’ve planned tonight I’d hate for us to be accidentally sexist.

Still, I loved the Netflix documentary series on the life of Jessica Jones. Although it is a shame that this triumph of feminist storytelling really didn’t get the ball moving until the leading man appeared. My condolences for your loss, Jessica.

Captain America is here. Thank you for your service, captain. I must say, you are the perfect symbol of American exceptionalism. Your mind is from the 40s, your superpowers are mediocre at best, and by any rational metric you should have died 10 years ago. And yet, here you carry on, as we all pretend that nothing’s changed. Tell me captain, are you still trolling the hospice looking for old girlfriends? You’ll have to wait your turn with Aunt May, it seems Tony Stark is planting his flag as we speak. Though knowing Tony, I’m sure you’ll be getting a “letter from Iwo Jima” in due time.

Now, I’ve heard of the boyfriends of single mothers buying gifts to win over their kids but a fully featured cybernetic exoskeleton for fighting crime? You may as well call him daddy now, Peter, just not in the way Uncle Ben is imagining. And yet here Tony is, missing his protege’s big night. Does it feel different Peter? Having your father figure fail you personally instead of dying tragically? I guess we’ll know for sure once Pepper Pots is back in the picture.

We have Dr. Bruce Banner in attendance who’s recently forgone accomplished careers in both science and crime fighting to pursue his true calling as a WWE gladiator in outer space. What’s the matter Bruce, too sensitive for academia? Was I too harsh in peer review? What was that warning again? “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry?” We didn’t like you when you were glad! Still, it’s good that you’re spending time with Thor right now. Since the gamma ray incident, I’m glad you can be with someone on your same level both physically and intellectually.

Now I hate to go back to Tony, but what is it that’s got you all so in love with this billionaire? Would a cocaine habit make me more charming to you people, just like Robert Downey Jr in the 90s back when he actually was banging Marisa Tomei? Tony Stark builds humanity enslaving robots, Bruce Banner destroys entire cities in a day, and yet I’m the one who needs “greater oversight” in his reckless pursuit of science. I guess if we wanted a universe that made sense we should look to someone other than Stan Lee for our moral leadership.

And lastly, the man of the hour, Spiderman. Peter, you’d have us believe that an experimental spider carries an active human retrovirus with the transmission rate of 1 teenager and becomes totally dormant after infection? Now I’m not saying there’s an epidemic on our hands, but anyone who’s exchanged fluids with the boy should really get themselves checked out.

And just so we’re clear, spiders don’t typically transmit their own DNA as a defense mechanism. No Peter, that’s how the AIDS virus works. Ladies, again, please take care of yourselves. And get far away from that walking, talking, transmission vector here on stage.

Peter, it saddens me to lose one of our brightest young scientific minds to the circus freak-show of the Marvel cinematic universe, where you can have countless more father figures tragically die on you. But if it happens anyway nearly as awesome as the ending of Logan, it’ll be totally worth it. Take care of yourself Parker, so that one day the Superior Spiderman can truly serve this good city. Thank you everyone, and goodnight.