Lex Luthor at the DC vs Marvel Roast Battle

Team Marvel: Deadpool, Thanos, Wolverine, Magneto, Spider-Man, Thor, Kingpin, Ant-Man

Team DC: Batman, Green Lantern, Joker, Harley Quinn, Wonder Woman, Superman, Cat Woman, Lex Luthor

I must confess, I am genuinely impressed with success of Mr Thanos sitting across from me here. Now I am no fan of genocide, well, of humans at least, but I recognize effective leadership when I see it. Let’s connect at the next executive conference.

The mutants are finally here, congratulations on the merger.

Wolverine is so haunted by demons that Dr. Strange had to contract the Ghostbusters.

Wolverine’s superpower is being the only Canadian who doesn’t have to wait 6 months for healthcare.

Magneto, a survivor of the holocaust, wants to conquer the inferior human race. I think you missed the lesson of WWII. Now I know why they say antifa are the real fascists.

Between Wolverine and Magneto, it seems Xavier’s greatest power is being the world’s most patient life coach.

A note to the Avengers, I would be cautious about teaming with Wolverine. I’m sure Jean Grey has something to say about workplace harassment, and I don’t want Scarlet Witch to become the next Rose McGowan. He’s got a thing for redheads.

We have Thor, yet another undocumented refugee. In the previous two films, Thor lost his father, his brother, his hammer, and his entire home planet. And yet he perseveres, regaining his strength so he can turn the tide of battle.

It goes to show that you can take away a man’s kingdom, his family, and his privilege, but you can’t keep a good patriarch down.

Side note, everyone is calling me an evil white man while Thanos is having secret meetings with the Red Skull? Clean your house, Marvel.

I’m being unfair, though. I believe in the freedom of speech. Now guys, I do not agree with the Red Skull, but he’s got some really interesting ideas I think we should hear out.

The Kingpin is here. Nice to have another MBA on stage. Recently Kingpin allied with an ancient order of magic ninjas to fulfill his master plan of… gentrifying Hell’s Kitchen. KP, have you heard of the term “overkill?”. Red lining isn’t that hard. Speaking as an investor, “The Hand” strikes me as a massive liability.

You all don’t know this, but Captain Marvel was scheduled to appear tonight. It makes sense that she had to drop out, her comic couldn’t find an audience either. She’s like if Ronda Rousey had studied Tumblr instead of judo.

It was my intention tonight to belittle Peter Parker for attempting a career in photojournalism, but instead we have Miles Morales, the black Spiderman, and he doesn’t have a job.

Don’t waste your time in college, son, we’ve got a home for you in Lexcorp. Mentoring a black scientist should finally get the Daily Planet off my back, although I wouldn’t mind seeing Lois Lane on hers.

Oh, Clark, I didn’t see you there. Are you still being cucked by your alter ego? We all know, by the way. Your disguise is more transparent than Bruce Wayne’s lingering concussion trauma. Stay sharp, Superman. And expect The Batman to become Chris Benoit any day now.

Moving on, Ant-Man violates the laws of physics worse than Deadpool violates the innocence of children.

Deadpool claims to hate Wolverine but really he wants to be sliced in half so he can expose his regrown child testicles to all of us for a second time. I wonder if it was TJ Miller who wrote that scene, the parody of Basic Instinct for pedophiles. Thinking again, it was probably James Gunn.

Yes, thank you. Your collective hatred truly is my kryptonite.

My Fellow Americans, we are DC. We are the manifestations of gods, the apotheosis of cosmic archetype forever entwined in righteous conflict, the metaphysic that constructs the human soul.

These people at Marvel are the flavor of the week of social justice activism. And in this great oppression shortage of 2018, the only thing they’re shutting down is every comic book store in the country. Soon, you will all learn that my superpower, the invisible hand of capitalism, always has the final say. Fight on, brave heroes, and, Excelsior! *Finger snap*