Four Things I learned in College

Hey guys, I am currently in my last semester of college, and I’d like to share four things I have learned so far. These are by no means the five most important things, they’re just four things.

These first two things I did not learn through experience. I just believe that college equips you with critical thinking skills that allows you to figure things out.

1) It is impossible to kick open a revolving door. Seriously guys, if you just put some thought into this, I think we will all come to an agreement. It’s not like that carnival game where you throw a ring over a bottle, and you might get it one out of a hundred tries or something. It is actually impossible. As long as ten dimes make a dollar, this will be impossible. It’s even too impossible to be featured as a stunt in the Mission Impossible movies. If Tom Cruise kicked open a revolving door, I would yell, “Yeah right!” so loud. I totally believe Cruise can fight a villain on top of a high speed train, because that is statistically way more possible than being able to kick open a revolving door. I’m not sure what the purpose of this fact is, but I’m sure there is one.

2) If you chug a bottle of Children’s Advil, it doesn’t work as some kind of potion that turns you into a kid again. I repeat, I did not learn this through experience. It’s not like one day I put on clothes I wore in fourth grade, and thought, “after I chug this bottle, these clothes will fit me perfectly again.” I just gave it some thought, and this wide believed myth did not hold up. I couldn’t believe it either. You just have to trust me on this one, guys. If you are missing your youth, and just want to feel young again, this is not a viable option. You’re probably better off buying a motorcycle something. I heard those make people feel young again in a commercial I saw one time. I’m really sorry that I’m the bearer of bad news here. I never imagined myself as this guy either, but if this helps even one person, I will rest knowing I did the right thing.

O.K. the last couple things you’re not going to find in any textbook. These are things I learned from experience.

3) You know those signs on the back of trucks that ask, “how’s my driving?” then it gives you a number to call? I’m pretty these signs are there to keep the truck drivers in check, because the second they think they’re Vin Diesel or something someone has the ability to tattle tale on them. BUT, what I learned is, you don’t have to call this number and be a jerk, you can just be nice. You can call and say something like, “Hey buddy, I’m sure you’ve had a really long day driving that big truck around, I know it isn’t as easy as you make it look, but I just want to tell you that you’re a competent driver. You’re respecting the rules of the road and others. You’re an under appreciated hero. Thanks for making this country so great.” You’ll be amazed by how many lifelong friends you make this way. It’s free to be nice.

4) The last thing I learned is a perfect pickup line. It will work one hundred percent of the time. You have an equal chance of messing this up as you do kicking open a revolving door. So, this is how it works. You go to a place where you will likely find ladies, (ladies feel free to make this your own) let’s just say in this scenario you are at a Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future. Walk up to an average looking woman, then just keep walking. This pick up line is too good for boundaries. You go straight to the lady you have your sights set out on the most, and tell her that you can guess the name of the perfume she is wearing. At this point, just rattle off as many Kathy Bates movies as you can think of; the more the better. Misery, Titanic, Angus, Fried Green Tomatoes, The Blindside, just keep going. Chances are you will not correctly guess the name of the perfume she is wearing, however she will be very impressed by how knowledgeable you are on Kathy Bates. She’ll say something like, “wow I’m very impressed by how knowledgeable you are on Kathy Bates.” From this point, it is very hard to mess up. In her mind she already has you buckled in on a one way trip to Make Out Creek. I promise. I promise. I promise.

I hope this was a learning experience for you and you are now at least a little bit more intelligent.

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