How to fight well: steadying yourself in conflict

The moment we find ourselves in a perceived conflict, our oldest and most core functionality kicks in.

The fight or flight (not forgetting freeze and fawn) response ensures we are mentally and physically prepared for dealing with life-threatening danger.

However, while society has evolved to a point where our lives are rarely at risk, our evolutionary biology hasn’t.

As a result, we regularly experience the same response when we perceive a colleague to be acting against us, when a partner makes an unhelpful remark or someone jumps the queue in the supermarket.

For many people, this neanderthal tool has become so sensitive that we experience this triggered state on a daily basis, to the point where our minds and bodies can’t take it any more and we experience burnout.

In the moment when a true conflict arises that doesn’t involve a physical threat to life, it’s a deeply unhelpful state to be in.

However, you do have some control — or at least influence — over this primal programming.

How our bodies respond

Just some of the wonderful things that happen when we’ve subconsciously judged ourselves to be ‘in danger’.

• Our Sympathetic Nervous System, part of the autonomic nervous system (which regulates unconscious functions like breathing) releases stress hormones ephedrine and cortisol.
• Our breathing becomes shallow, our heart rate rises, digestion slows and we get tunnel-vision.
• Our body diverts blood to the major muscle groups in preparation for a sprint or a brawl.
• Our thinking becomes very narrow and singular — only allowing us to focus on problem-solving.
• We are much more likely to experience anxiety or anger and become much less capable of empathy.

As a result of all of this, not only are we no fun to be around (or to be, for that matter) we are actually physically incapable of creative thinking, understanding other perspectives or having good dialogue.

When we’re caught in a cycle of stress and anxiety — or find ourselves in relationships that regularly trigger these responses — it becomes a vicious circle.

Finding a way out

Our primal programming wants us to be consumed by this state — the feelings it brings with it, the judgements of others and urges to respond with attacking and defending.

It genuinely believes that unless you do, your survival is under threat.

But unless you’re actually being attacked, none of these responses are very helpful.

So we have to get good at managing our state if we’re to give ourselves options, rather than simply being controlled by our unconscious.

Here’s how:

1. Awareness

We have to start by getting really good at noticing what’s going on so that we actually have a choice.

• Noticing our thoughts (judging other or self, an urge to hit out)
• Feelings (big and overwhelming — anger, fear)
• Physical responses (increased heart rate, breathing)

As soon as you can feel any of these happening, take a moment to say to yourself: “Ah, I’m triggered again.”

The more you can recognise these symptoms and differentiate between your state and the reality of the situation, the more practiced you can become at rebalancing yourself.

2. Acceptance

In a conflict, practice saying to yourself: “I’m angry, I want to lash out and that’s OK.”

(Replace lash out’ with whatever your urge to punish or attack is).

This is self-empathy in practice — not trying to deny or repress our urges but recognise them as a perfectly natural (or habitual response).

By taking this step, we reduce the barriers to a clear conversation with the other because we’re not in conflict with ourselves.

3. Hard reset

Next we need the body to realign all of our systems back to our normal — or rest — state.

One simple way is through the breath.

By practicing basic, slow and deep breathing we get more oxygen into our lungs, triggering a whole series of neurophysical events that give the simple message that danger has passed.

You can try the Square Breathing or Box Breathing technique, supposedly developed by the US Navy Seals for dealing with high-stress situations.

1. Breath in for a count of four seconds.
2. Hold that breath in for a count of four seconds.
3. Breath out for a count of four seconds.
4. Hold the out-breath for a count of four seconds.

Repeat this for as long as it takes for the overt physical and mental symptoms of fight-or-flight to subside.

4. Turn down the invitation

One of the reasons our primal functionality has been triggered is because the situation we find ourselves in genuinely represents a threat.

Once upon a time, possibly when were very young, we experienced something similar where we were ashamed, humiliated, hurt or rejected (for instance).

In this new moment your implicit memories of that event trigger a script — a set of decision-making principles that place you and the person you’re with in distinct roles.

This is the drama triangle — a way of understanding how we relate and the ‘games’ we play with each other.

In a triggering moment we are throwing out an invitation to the other to play out one of our dramas.

And often this is likely to be happening for the other person too.

So it’s important to recognise the behaviours that might constitute an invitation (provoking someone for a response, for example) and — unless you’d like to be sucked into your own past drama or that of another — politely turn it down by not responding.

5. Take time and make space

Don’t expect any of this to suddenly get you from super-fucking-angry to compassionate Zen being in under a minute.

This is our rawest programming at work and it genuinely believes you’re going to die — even if it’s simply that your boss has shown you up in front of the team.

The Amygdala generates these tidal waves of emotion that are overwhelming — it’s what makes it possible for people to do the most unimaginable and inhuman things in the name of revenge.

So instead of trying to swim upstream through the tidal waves, there is no shame in saying to yourself or the person you’re with: “I’m too triggered right now to react how I’d like to, I just need some space.”

You are in control

While it might not feel like it, you are not your anger. You are not your fear.

While these are strong emotions and powerful responses, you are still the same person you were moments ago when life was fine and the sun shone.

That person is still there, you just need to calm the system that drowns them out.

And those thoughts about the other — their wrong-doings or shortcomings and what they should do, or have done to them — are a fantasy based on your own internal anxieties, insecurities and past trauma.

Again, while these thoughts and feelings might feel like immutable truths, they’re not and acting on them will simply lead you into repeating cycles of conflict.

Practice these five steps, over and over again.

Make them yours — find your own language, your own tools.

Reclaim your ability to choose.