What are you? A mixed woman contemplates life as the token POC.

I was inspired to write this piece after reading this article, the story of another METCO alum, like myself, and how he navigates life as the token Black friend.

When people ask about my experience with METCO, my usual answer is gratitude. I am grateful to have been able to attend a school with more hands-on learning and attention I craved. I do not believe I would be where I am today without it.

It also conditioned me to behave a certain way to survive white spaces as a POC.

“Aren’t you all related?”

When asked about any other POC in our K-12 school.

“ My mom said I’m not allowed to come over your house because it isn’t safe.”

When trying to have friends over to play.

“Are you okay with all of your white classmates reading the n-word out loud?”

Myself, another Black student, and a Latinx student being singled out in 7th grade English class during the in class reading of a book on slavery.

“No, I meant for you to talk about your culture.”

My teacher asked, after I explained my favorite parts about my Polish heritage during a Spanish class.

“No way, you are definitely adopted.”

After a fellow student saw my Mom pick me and my sister up from school.

“Why was your dad so late picking you up yesterday?”

After my dad was pulled over in her predominantly white neighborhood for looking “out of place.”

“I know it is racist, but…”

“Don’t be offended, but…”

“I don’t mean this the wrong way, but…”

The beginning of any question, statement, or a definitely racist joke regarding a POC stereotype mentioned by my fellow classmates

“I just wanted to touch it.”

After a fellow student grabbed at my curly ponytail out of the blue.

“Your last name sounds German, but you aren’t German, are you?”

When asked why my last name doesn’t match the person they see before them.

And my all time favorite:

What are you?

Asked by parents, classmates, teachers, coworkers, complete strangers on the subway, people yelling from cars stopped in traffic…

Growing up in predominantly white spaces, I have been conditioned to get used to these questions, so much so, I have purposefully introduced my ethnicity in a conversation early on to make the other person comfortable. It was even a factor in my college decision, which looking back, makes me quite sad.

I attended a small predominantly white engineering focussed university in New England. Post graduation I entered the very white world of civil engineering, and now work in the very very white world of tech. I have been asked every question under the sun, been people’s first, and only POC friend, held my tongue to avoid falling into a variety of stereotypes, overheard conversations I wasn’t supposed to and put my job on the line by saying something, educated those who were just plain ignorant, advocated for other POCs, and constantly worked to be seen for my achievements vs. the color of my skin.

And you know what, I’m tired.

Tired of band-aids, underwear, tights, shoes, beauty products, and many other goods labelled “nude”, that definitely aren’t my definition of “nude”.

Tired of curly hair being referred to as messy, unkempt, dirty, or unprofessional.

Tired of guessing which racial stereotype I fall into for any given interaction or conversation.

Tired of being expected to publicly challenge a peer, when they say something that the entire group knew wasn’t right, alone. But then also be expected to immediately diffuse the situation with something like, “Don’t worry, I promise I wasn’t offended…”

Tired of being labeled the “diversity hire” rather than for my own achievements.

Tired of watching people that look like me, that could be me, getting killed by police or the average person for buying groceries, jogging, driving, existing…

Tired of being asked “What are you?”

I am a human being who deserves equal rights and opportunities.

My question for the white folks reading this, when the news cycle has moved on and your social media feeds are no longer filled with peer pressure, will you commit to do the work, everyday?

Will you:

• Question what you’ve been taught about your history?
• Dismantle the unfair systems you and your ancestors have built, maintained, and profited from?
• Confront your peers, family, friends, neighbors, lawmakers, and strangers?
• Work to change the outdated policies and laws in your cities, towns, and places of business?
• Unlearn, learn, and relearn?
• Actually take a step back and listen?
• Vote to help us?

+ the many other actions that I’ve missed in this very short list.

Oh, and if you thought you could get away with just helping the Black community, you are sadly mistaken. I will not speak for marginalized groups that I am not a part of, but I will use this platform to lift up their plight as well.

“Now, we’ve got to have some changes in this country. And not only changes for the Black man, and only changes for the Black woman, but the changes we have to have in this country are going to be for liberation of all people — because nobody’s free until everybody’s free.”

Fanny Lou Hamer, 1971

My Mom’s version of “the talk” went something like this. A white mother, who read countless books on how to raise well adjusted Black children:

“You will have to work harder than everyone else solely because of the way you look, but that doesn’t mean your ideas, voice, and abilities aren’t any less powerful or valuable. Just like the Little Engine That Could, try, try, try again.”

My Mom, 1999

And so I will try again.

I will continue my crusade of questioning my white friends and peers after the next act of police brutality (or the 15th after that), bring race into everyday conversations, be brave and speak up, and question those who question me on my right to be here.

I’ve navigated this world long enough that yes, although I should not be expected to be the teacher, and to some this may seem like a waste of energy, I’ve learned the key words, phrases, etc. to do the introductory work relatively effectively. I then plan to point folks in the direction of other more robust resources.

The difference, this time around, is that I will do so without sacrificing my own identity. I no longer will make others feel comfortable while confronting the atrocities they should have seen all along.

I will be unapologetically myself in all spaces.