The 5 Personal Questions to Ask Yourself to Kickoff 2020

As the year closes the Medium’s of the internet are getting flooded with retrospectives and nostalgia. Closing your own’s chunk of life is a beautiful practice in understanding where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. In other words, the text is more for me rather than any of you. Nonetheless, as long as you can draw parallels to your own life, maybe it’ll be a useful or an entertaining read.

For the past few years, I have been asking myself the same few questions as the year loomed to its end. Let me challenge you. Answer for yourself the individual questions first before reading my own takes. Where’s the challenge in that? The questions are hard-hitting and personal. The very best you can do is answer them honestly, with no pretense. After all, you’d be just cheating yourself.

Have I been a creator or a consumer?

(Alternatively if you dare: Have I added anything of value into the world?)

Looking back, my 2019 was spent consuming, rather than creating.

I’ve finished and released two tiny games, prototyped about 8 more and kept on paper another dozen. I’ve done some drawing, modeling, animating, sound, memes… the usual stuff that comes when you are an indie game dev. When asked what am I up to, the answer has always been: “There’s so much to learn and do.”

Everyday I was blown away how easy and accessible learning has become. Internet just is the best university. A dozen dollars gets you what’s not free and if you do have a few hundred it’ll get you an access to the top global mentors. Decade or two back you had to spend thousands, get lucky and hustle your way in to probably maybe get a chance to talk to a renown someone.

What will I change next year?

Both my parents has passed on me the graceful gene of workaholism, which means I can easily get lost in work and work and work and work. Knowing this and encouraged by the public discourse into mental health I restrained myself and some of the days was just for playing videogames, watching a movie or a show, read a book or three or having a day out with friends.

I didn’t care for it. In retrospect and as a foresight to 2020 I’m all-in for the club “Long Hours & Hard Work.” To everyone their own, balance is important and all that. I’ve tried to spend the past year at a leisure pace and while I felt good mentally (that much works) I feel like shit now for not working my ass off harder.

On another note, being a Leo is supposedly the reason why I and my 6 days older girlfriend are often a little self-centered. While we’re polite and quite empathetic, many of our dialogs center around “I” followed by our perspective. Obviously I see the irony of this piece of writing, but nevertheless it’s where I want to grow personally.

What is the biggest obstacle I will overcome next year?

(Alternatively: What have I not been able to change year over year?)

The most curious people have a special place in the Dunning-Kruger diagram, called the Aristotle hole. By learning and practicing just enough in all-kinds of crafts (witchcraft included) you experience first hand how many lifetimes are needed to master everything. It’s an accumulative effect especially felt in games, due to their inclusion of all the other media.

The Aristotle hole is difficult to dig out of. You get buried under tons of imposter syndrome, the public mental health discussion makes you even more aware and scared of things you probably don’t even have- Hypochondria 2.0. The other creators of the world are not helping your situation by sharing their years of practice, most of them perfecting a field or two at most. If only you’d have the luxury to master just one thing too. The doubt and fear in the generalist hole is real and bright. Actually so bright, you are blinded and circle around like a stray dog.

My way out so far is closing eyes for long enough to clear out my vision and play it by ear. As long as I’m growing every day in my craft, art or personally, the deep hole will one day dim down and I’ll have a breathtaking view of the Valley of Wisdom. I’m not going to be standing on a high mountain of perfectionism, seeing the rest of the world as small hills, which are now too far to reach.

Over the years I’ve burned myself by over planning, over thinking or over doing. Next year I intend to close my eyes when I’m over-anything and go with my gut.

Have I been happy with my life this past year?

During the Holidays in a conversation with my family we’ve came across the topic of hobbies. Which is better: to have no hobbies or too many to ever do them all? Like the proverb: “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”, I wouldn’t trade the thrill to learn and solve for anything.

The turbulent timeframe one can feel from social media is demoralizing. Everyone seems to be getting a hang of a musical instrument, painting, programming quickly or just really well- doing amazing thing I feel envious for.

I’m grateful and happy for the small victories. I keep reminding myself twice a day my goals are a very long marathon. To strengthen the metaphor I’ve been running and having done successfully half-marathon clocking at around 2 hours. Try it if you can, it gives the expression a whole new meaning.

I am happy personally in my relationships and where I took my life in the past 2 years, after leaving the unsustainable startup mentality behind in the 2010s.

Am I closer to where I want to be in life?

(Alternatively: What do I want to have done before I die?)

Next year, 2020 will be the year I’ll hit 30. I’ve been that age for about 20 years now. The only difference is the graying hairline, which I’ll take over a receding one any day.

Still the number is something you discuss internally and with your peers. I wanted to be in the then popular, now ridiculed lists of people who’ve made it in life. Looking at the people in there and seeing what work they do and share I no longer care.

It’s also the number society thinks people end their youth years. Good thing I don’t care about societal norms all that much. My lifelong partner of 12 years and I have a healthy relationship, with kids some years away.

Spending the past years on hard professional work paid off and I’ve had an extremely luxurious position of a complete freedom as a creative for the past 18 months. That time runs out in 2020. My head has been once again solving how to best combine the time of growth while not starving to death.

Finding and cultivating passions is the hardest thing for a widely curious creative. Which one, how, when… is it really the one? I’m thankful I had the opportunity to explore mine. Where I am now mentally feels more than ever before where I really want to be. My wish to 2020 is to make it more than a feeling, but a proof.

For the next year I’ve set myself a pompous goal of a game/experience/thing a month. Utilizing and building upon everything I’ve done and learned will be the proof I need to get myself pumped up for the final run. It will be the proof others need to see to accept whatever I am about. After all it’s always easier to show than tell.

Thanks for reading!

Maybe ¯\(ツ)/¯ Great

This is an opinion. Opinions tend to be subjective. Actually that’s the only kind that is worth something. My opinions are surprisingly mine if not stated otherwise.