Faith Renewed
“I love God, but hate religion.” I heard that on a spoken word Youtube video and I had never resonated with anything in regards to religion until those words were uttered. I do not consider myself religious. I don’t attend church, I don’t pray every night, I don’t read the bible. I don’t agree with how religious institutions preach about lines from a book and claim that their way of interpreting those words are more valid than another religious institution. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of religion? Berating someone else’s source of guidance? However, I do believe in God. I believe in a savior watching over me and guiding me in the right direction. That being said, that belief has faltered greatly within the past few years. My entrance into college was also the beginning of the admittance of my depression.
With my depression, I tell myself that no one else needs to feel the burden of my pain and so I keep to myself. This mentality also causes me to feel like God shouldn’t be wasting time on me when they could help someone else. And so I pushed myself farther from any sort of guidance — family, friends, and God. For 3 years I have felt separated from everything, and tonight is the first night I feel whole again. I’ve survived these past 3 years by involving myself in organizations that have given me a sense of purpose. One of these organizations is the Orientation Program for my University. This organization has given me so much in terms of self-confidence and self-discovery and I really felt like I was recovering from the dark hole I had fallen into. The incoming students that I talked to made me feel like I had worthwhile advice to give. They made me feel like my life has an impact on others. I have purpose. One of these incoming students saved my life tonight.
During Orientation I did not have a full on conversation with Tina*. We had a few words exchanged here and there, but I did not fully engage with her like some of the other incoming students. Fast forward to the middle of the school year and I bump into her while walking to class. We make small talk and then she asks if we can hangout. During our hangout she reveals to me a lot of her hardships and opens up quite quickly. From then on I knew I needed to be there for her. I knew that she needed guidance and I had to be that and I had no problem with that. We became closer as the year went on, but we sort of lost contact within this last month. That is solely my fault. My depression became worse at the end of this year. Each day I would wake up not motivated. I began cancelling more and more hangouts because social interaction made me panic and I didn’t want to bring down any of my friends. I began distancing myself to make sure I hurt no one, but me.
…..It came to the point where my thoughts became consumed with “Would it really matter if I stuck around” “Everyone would be happier if they didn’t have me to worry about” “This pain is too much”.
…..It came to the point of self-harm.
I went out with Tina after my work shift today expecting nothing more than boba and light conversation. What I got instead was her breaking down in my car exclaiming how much I meant to her and how I had helped her with her college experience. She said “If you ever left, half of my heart would be taken with you”. And that’s when I broke down. I mattered. Someone actually needed me in their life. I had a purpose. Here I was on the verge of ending my life and this first year who I just happened to bump into at the start of the year was my savior. Call it coincidence, call it fate, call it God, but all I know is that someone was watching over me. That is why my faith is renewed.
In no way, shape, or form is my depression gone. It is still and will continue to be a constant presence in my life, but tonight’s events have pushed me to return to counseling and seek guidance for myself.
Much love,
MTW
