3rd anniversary. 3 years (+ 3 days) since Greg left us.
I thought about that phrasing. He left us.
Greg : passed, died, took his life, completed his suicidal ideation. He quit. He gave up. He didn’t have the energy to do any more. Greg was tired of the bullshit. The struggle. The cycles of life. He turned in his card. He gave up the ghost. Greg drew a line in the sand. No more christian gaslighting. Greg was not one for hypocrisy.
If you are here, you probably know that I struggle with this thing called “life,” every day, all the time. I have been taking an inventory of all of the things that have evolved in my life since losing Greg. Since permanently losing Greg. Because I definitely lost him long before he left. But the love was always there. Because, many of us know: losing someone does not stop the love.
Since Gregory Thomas Sincheff opted out of life, I have wondered at the evolution of life. Fanny Flagg taught us: “You know, a heart can be broken, but it keeps on beating, just the same.”
Life, and/or time doesn’t give a shit how we hurt. The prime imperative of life and time is to keep moving forward. Ready or not.
Life can grind one down. And I have been more than eager in my fantasies about a retirement from this life that sucks all of the energy from me. Like the pod people from “The Dark Crystal,” I want to take my life force back from the Skeksis fuckers that stole it away from me for their own means (narcissism, greed & consumption).
In the past few years, I have:
Made healthy boundaries with my parents/sibling that I am still (proudly) standing by
Made connections with extended family & friends that have been lifelines
Returned to the Motherland & searched for my biological family
Experienced relief in Korea that I can’t adequately describe & only other KADs seem to understand
Spent time extensive time connecting to my culture of origin
Found Korean adoptees who I feel deeply connected to
Realized how deep and negative colonization/assimilation is to POCI, especially transracial adoptees
Shared my life with Luna, who is much more than a dog or human
Found non-cancerous tumors (grapefruit & racquetball sized) in my body
Had an abdominal hysterectomy to have them removed
Found a therapist of my own race, for the first time in 46 years
Been diagnosed with a learning disability
Started extensively cooking Korean food
Took Korean language classes
Watched the racism that my parents denied my entire life raise its ugly head and show itself to be legitimately present, armed, and harmful
Continued to reject american gaslighting
Voted for the first elected black, trans city council-person
Saw LGBTQ & POCI women of color elected to congress (still a minority!)
Watched the impeachment of a rich, special, privileged, cheating, traitorous, pedophile, rapist that “chistians” comfortably still rally around
Hung out with old friends that have given me a sense of “home away from home.”
First draft of this list. I have been thinking of Greg daily since his passing. Sometimes I talk to him, ask him questions. Sometimes I just have jokes. But Greg is never far from my thoughts. The first time we reunited (2006 or ‘07), I remember he said: “I thought of you every day. At first I was mad, but then I just remembered the things I missed.” I experienced that too. The following break ups & make-ups were about the same.
I am not saying we would have stayed together. I am saying that we meant a lot to each other to the end, and that was unique to me.
Loss is an untamable creature. You can calm it down, chill it momentarily, but it loss is like rust. It never sleeps.
