Marriage of 53 years in a world where nothing lasts
Today my parents complete 53 years of being together. A lot has changed in the world since they got married. The world ( at least the world i come from) questions the very existence and the need of this institution. I catch myself question it sometimes too. Is it really needed ? Does one really have to go though it ? Does one even need to have kids ? After all life changes and you have to constantly put someone else before you put your own needs to action. So much adjustment. It’s tough to live with your own demons . How do you put up with someone else’s? And then to top it all extended family and kids get added to that equation. Is marriage really required? Is it even worth it !!!!!
What does it mean to spend your entire life with one person? And what if you get stuck with someone who changes with time beyond recognition and you don’t like the person you are married to? Love is one thing but “like” is a whole different thing altogether. So much more important to like the person you live with.
My parents are like chalk and cheese. My dad has lived his very regimented life and my mom is a free flowing artist . They like different things. My mom loves to read , write , meet people , travel. For my dad his family is his whole world. He is happy with his TV , his golf , his spending time at home and meeting his kids and grandkid’s and yes cooking his famous “ball curry” . He has few friends who he is in touch with on regular basis. He is practical and my mom is super emotional. Over time he has become the glue in our family. He keeps us together. My mom on the other hand is the “ heart” of the family . She is the doer . The go to person when you need something to be done. My mom always says “ yes” to everything we say and my dad always starts with a “No”. They are polar opposites . With time he has become soft & she has become a no nonsense person. They have in-someway rubbed off on each other.
In my home everything is decided around what dad wants . From the time i can remember my mom always asked my dad what he wanted to eat and that is what was cooked for all of us to eat. We watched what he wanted to and if an outing was planned , it was because dad has planned it. He decided . Period. Of course he has always decided right after giving everything a lot of thought and we have always trusted his judgement. Even if we throw a fit in the end we always say “ dad was right” 🙂. In my life i have many moments when I think “i wish i had listened to dad. “
Being a fiercely independent woman i have always found this part very tough to digest . How can my mom let my dad decide everything. She is such an independent person. How can she let the reigns of her life be given to someone. else . Does she lack confidence ? Does she not trust her own judgement ?. I of course was coming from a space of immaturity. I think when you live long enough with someone . You come to realise the strengths of one another and then find ways to depend on that strength . She knows he is better with finances . It has ensured that they are not dependent on anyone even as they cross 75 years . They are still in a position to give . They don’t need to ask anyone for help. When it comes to tougher things that are emotional , my dad depends on my mom to solve it . She is the toughie. The doer. The executioner. Their roles are very clear. They know who is incharge for what. They have no ambiguity . No doubts. The lines are very clear.
They have been through many tough times together . Including the 71 war. Many financial crisis where there was no money to buy anything . Emotional upheavals they have seen their kids go through ( nothing is tougher than that ) death of close friends and family , professional downs , health scares , insecurities , bad days of each other , boring days , happy days , questioning days , disappointments , disillusionment, emotional crisis , they have been through many rains together. They have raised kids , raised grandkid’s , been there with each other through good times and bad. Would a relationship other than marriage offer this sort of a support system ? Definitely not. If they were in a relationship . They would have quit long back. I don’t know what is it about marriage but it somehow makes you stick it out. If you manage to go through the rough roads , you can enjoy a lifetime of happy times. My parents have done that and done that so successfully.
They have shouldered the responsibility together and they have made sure that they are by each other’s side . They have had ample reasons not to be with. each other but they have had thousands to stick it through and love each other. They like each other 🙂. Today when life has challenged them with the “toughest time” they are still there together . Holding fort for each other. They know with each other around they can go through anything….all they need is each other. It’s wonderful for me as a child to watch these two fiercely independent people so dependent on each other . There is beauty in rising beyond ones ego and to accept that to be happy and to survive what life throws at you “ one needs” a partner. To accept that life is wholesome only when you have company . That one can do everything alone but its such an amazing joy when you have someone to do it with. Someone who has seen you in all your shades . Good and bad. Someone who has seen the nakedness of your mind and soul . Someone who has seen all your ugly sides and still chose to be with you and love you unconditionally.
If you have such a person in your life. Feel blessed. It’s getting rare these days.
Cheers to you mom and dad . You are the reason i still believe in “till death do us apart” . Happy 53rd.
P.S : this tree reminds me of my parents . Independent yet together ♥️