If Only I Could Turn Back Time

I was having a good time listening to 90's pop songs and I ran into Aqua. Made me ask myself, what if I really could turn back time? What if I had a chance to go back to some point of my life, where and when or at what age would it be?

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

Given the chance, would you go back and change your past? An optimist would answer “No. I’m happy with what I have now. What’s in the past was either gifts or lessons I both benefited from. I have no regrets, and I have nothing to change.”

Eerrgghh. However “happy” and “contented” we are now, we have this little secret of “if onlys”. So I’m just gonna be honest and share what I think would be the best time for me to get back to (if given the chance).

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

I would want to go back to 2009, right after highschool graduation, when I was making a decision of what course/program to take. I would go back to the day of college enrollment, scratch everything ahead of that, and start again.

I would still choose BSA at FEU, but study harder. I would focus on achieving higher grades and make myself an academic scholar for my whole stay. As I did before, I wouldn’t mind taking the qualifying exam and shift to IA rightaway (we had no choice for choosing IA directly before). I would make myself a Cum Laude at least, and use it to have a better job at a better company after grad.

I would still want to work with my old company, but if given the chance, I would audit a bigger bank. Along with my job, I would also work on refreshing IA theories to gain more knowledge and experiences to help myself pass the CIA certification. I wouldn’t stop working hard until I earn that certification; it would be my priority.

When I was at my first year at work, my dad had an operation which had cost us a lot of money. That was really a very unfortunate event, so I had to look for another job that could support me more. I would still take the opportunity of working at a pharma.

Yes, with regards of work, I couldn’t think of a bigger change because I have done a pretty good job as is. I just wanted to experience school again and do better. Lol.

In love, I would never say yes to War (my ex) ever. Yep, one of life’s regrets. Not because he’s a jerk, but my relationship with him made me colder than ice. I became so insensitive, stubborn, and I had no idea I was going to melt in time. So yea, after realizing how cold I was, I melted, became whole again, then I became the most fragile thing i could ever imagined. I became super sensitive, scared, paranoid, etc. What a transformation, eh? So yea, I would never do any kind of relationship with War again.

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

I am writing this blog entry because I hate my life right now. I hate that I’m not academically smart (they think I am, but people you have to level up your standards, really). I hate that I’m unemployed. I hate that I never expected I’m going to need what I had before. I hate that I didn’t do anything for my near future at least. I hate that I can’t trust anyone. I hate that I can’t love anyone with my whole heart. I hate that I am too fragile. I hate that I overthink everything. Even the content of this post. I hate myself, honestly. I hate that I’m trying to go on and accept things just because I need to. I hate that I don’t want this life. I hate that I don’t like myself.

But while I was drafting this, I realized, my life isn’t actually that bad. I graduated college, I got good jobs even though I had no title at all, I got through the pain of seeing my dad sick, I survived my first huge heartbreak.

If everything in the past didn’t happen, maybe I wouldn’t learn these things now. Writing this post made me realize I just need courage, inspirations, and will to continue the journey. If those things hadn’t happen, I wouldn’t treasure the rest of my time with my family or I wouldn’t even know D.

I’m loving this journal prompts for self-reflections, but Im still kinda sad so excuse my poor grammar or let me know my errors so I can edit it later. Aaannd why don’t you try self-reflecting as well? It’s going to make you cry a little but it’s going to make you feel nice eventually, I promise.

“For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. Im always the one terrified of losing the people that I hold close.”

P.S. Excuse the quote. It’s just my fave quote for the day.

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