What maize has taught me about waiting on God.
There is a small garden right outside my door. Growing in it are my mum’s version of flowers; JJobyo, dodo (something amaranthathus) interspersed with maize. The maize is still young and is less than a foot tall. This evening as I retired for the night, God decided that maize would drive this point home the best.
See, I find myself in a place never imagined. It is a place that I find quite difficult to put into words. Anyhow, I shall pick a part of it to illustrate and put my maize story into context. It was one of those evenings where condemnation was loud. Now, I know condemnation is negative and more often than not will result in anything but what is beneficial. In fact, I find that it only makes an already bad situation worse for its bearer.
Today was not any different. I had been triggered by an experience earlier that day. Something happened that bought to the surface my insecurity. Those are many but this particular one was about my prolonged unemployment. Because it was a result of me walking away from my job, The guilt of having made the decision weighs heavy on me at times. Today was one of those days.
Having been through a number of these trigger-shame-condemnation cycles, I have learnt to coach myself through them. I understand that these negative emotions arise from my ego and have learned (painfully) to summon my higher self and speak wise counsel into that situation. That is where the maize comes in.
Looking at it today, I could not help and wonder how fast they had grown. Just a week or so ago, I was in awe at how tiny and grasslike they looked. I had to ask my sister if they were indeed maize plants because I had never seen them so young. At the time they were about 10 cm high and to be honest looked more like grass than maize to me. When I looked at them again today, I was surprised at how fast they had grown!
I pondered this rapid growth and how it could have happened right outside of my front door and yet I had not noticed. Right there, a thought occurred to me; “just because you did not see it grow did not mean it was not growing”. Honestly it felt like I had blinked and boom! The baby maize was now a teenager. The thought continued and in no time had turned this into a whole revelation for me; Just because you don not see it happen does not mean nothing is happening.
Of course, the maize was growing because I could see the change in its size. What I did not see despite having it directly out of my front door and passing by it daily was how it was growing. How the nutrients were absorbed and turned into the plant I could see. I must say I also did not see the nutrient separation that ensured that the dodo leaves did not end up on the maize and vice versa. All I saw was the steady increase in height and even that I could not account for it on a daily.
One could say that that happens underground and obviously cannot be seen. Granted, but neither did I see the leaves elongate to increase the maize height threefold or the leaves multiply to make it thicker. It is almost as if the plant grew from thin air! You and I know that tech is not yet that advanced and neither is nature. This can only mean that there IS a lot of background work happening to grow this plant. Just because we cannot see it does not mean it is not happening.
I find myself discouraged because I am in a season where the physical manifestation of the work I am doing is slow or absent. I often wonder if this waiting season has a purpose and benefit to it. I am so fixated on that that I can see or touch that I am tempted to under look that that I cannot see. A healthy self image is good but it is not yet a currency I can use to pay my bills. An increased Linkedin following is spectacular but not as much as living a debt free life. Having healthy boundaries is awesome but what to do when the loneliness persists?
Resultantly, I have struggled with the temptation to give up or quit my efforts. Why? I have been at it over a year and still see nothing of the end goals I seek. Back to my unemployment example. The end goal for me here is a job and so anything less than is a fail… or is it? The means does justify the end for sure. What is the point in ending up in a toxic job that results in damaged mental health? What is the point of getting more income that fuels my addictions or runs me into immoral decisions?
Yes, having a goal is good. However, If I have learnt anything from the maize growth is that the small and subtle milestones inbetween are significant too! It is not just the end that matters but how you get there too. On a personal growth journey some of this may be overlooked but it is just as crucial as the end goal we fixate on so much.
So whenever I am discouraged now, I celebrate my small wins. Every small step that brings me closer to my goal or makes me better as a person. It all matters! It most definitely makes the waiting easier and makes for a better attitude. You are welcome!