An Open Letter To My CEO
talia jane


It looks like your 15 minutes of fame are going stretch into maybe a lifetime of fame. Unfortunately for you, your fame will be as a whiner and a fool.

Turns out your “I’m eating out of a bag of rice” whine is a lie. Or your Twitter account is. Seems as though your story doesn’t hold up to basic research:

While Narcissa by the Bay wallowed in public self-pity over her inability to afford groceries (“bread is a luxury to me”), her social media accounts were filled with food, glorious food.

Eagle-eyed Internet users archived Instagram and Twitter images of Talia Jane indulging in a spa day with a fashionable facial mask made of Lush-brand coffee grounds; showing off her well-stocked kitchen, where she baked sumptuous cupcakes, “prosciutto-brie-cilantro-garlic biscuits,” “brie-stuffed meatballs topped with brie and rosemary sprigs,” “roast chuck marinated in herbs,” “a s — ton of Swedish potatoes au gratin,” and “mini pumpkin pies.”

In one of her richer moments (pun intended), Jane brags about having Bulleit Kentucky Bourbon delivered to her office through a smartphone app. “I’ve been meaning to buy whiskey,” she burbles, but I always forget until after I’m phone and my pants are off” (presumably when she’s under all her blankets shivering from cold and deprivation). “(A)lcohol delivery services aren’t available where I live because I’m in the suburbs,” so “I had alcohol delivery to my job. (O)ddly enough, no one asked about it.”

Talia, I own my business. I’d be excited for you to apply for an open position with our firm. You would get to interview with my partner and me, no intermediaries. If you survive that, we’ll let our wives chat with you.

Let me be clear. Your an ungrateful, not-very-bright, twit. I really hope you used a pen name - but obviously you didn’t - because your parents are running for cover. I almost feel bad for them. Almost. They obviously didn’t do a great job raising you.

With any luck at all, you may never work again. If you do, it certainly won’t be a good experience for your employer. Or you.

Oh, and one last thought, I’ve never had much use for Yelp, but the fact that they canned your worthless, ungrateful behind as encouraged me to give them another chance.

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